RECESSION PROOF, MY EYE!

Dear Crabby:

I was at my local coffee house yesterday waiting in line behind a businessman in an expensive suit and top coat. Two of the waitresses behind the counter were quietly complaining to one another about how their hours had been cut because business just wasn’t what it used to be. One even speculated that she might be let go all together if things remained status quo with the company.

After ordering his coffee, the businessman turned to them and very authoritatively said, “I suppose you’ll just have to learn how to be happy with less.”

I wanted to punch him. Here he was, pressed from a GQ magazine cover with a manicure and expensive leather shoes and satchel and he’s telling the rest of us to be happy with less. I notice that advice did not apply to him. What do you do or say in a situation like that?

- Georgia, ‘the groundskeeper’ – Duluth



Dear Sweet Peach with a Sour Pit:

I too grow weary of the rich who think the rest of us have been put on this planet to simply lick up their crumbs with a humble smile and grateful attitude. The last time I checked, I wasn’t born to amuse anybody. The same advice applies to you. And I am not amused at the insolence of your businessman either. I’m glad you didn’t sock him because then you would have been feeding into his stereotype of you.

Sounds to me like your businessman falls into what I classify as the ‘rich dummy’ category of the human species; someone so pampered and plush in their own existence that they are oblivious to the world beyond their own navel and naturally assume everyone else can just tighten their belts and make due.

To be clear, for this fellow ‘making due’ probably means cutting back on his lattes, down from four to three. Meanwhile, for the waitress it more than likely means she will have to start choosing between spending her limited finances on either food for the family or personal hygiene.

I don’t place faith, stock or merit in people who have all the money in the world to burn, but tell the rest of us who are on a budget how it should best be spent. They haven’t a clue how a dollar is made.

You’re a groundskeeper. You’re rolling in mud, not dough. The exec’ who stood before you yesterday has probably never even had a speck of dirt under his fingernails.

Bear this in mind. A recession is coming and it’s going to affect everyone except the ultra-wealthy. I don’t think your businessman falls into that category. He’s just an uppity upper-middle classman who gives a good show at playing rich because so far his salary has afforded him the opportunity.

But who do you think will be better equipped to weather our current and future economic downslide? Someone like yourself, who’s been pulling her share and then some all her life, or someone to whom a chipped nail means utter catastrophe?

I’ll say this; some of us are in for a rude awakening very soon. Most however, have already had their eyes wide open.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic


Dear Crabby:

I was driving home and heard some economist talking about the absolute toxic nature of our new President’s economic plan and how it will devastate the already severely compromised U.S. economy. I have to tell you, as a divorced mom of two holding down three part time jobs, it scared the hell out of me and I don’t think I am alone in my fears. What are your thoughts?

-Sharon in Jersey
Dear Jersey:

Get ready because you’re about to be milked!

I think that left to his own devices President elect Obama’s economic policies will cripple the U.S. economy severely. Before being elected, Mr. Obama preached regularly on his pretty ideologies concerning free tuition, health care and tax rebates for the needy. It all sounded good, but you know what they say – too good to be true…and it probably is.

Those same economists who were silent prior to Obama’s win are only now starting to come out of the woodwork with their preliminary predictions of the financial Armageddon that’s fast approaching.

Now, for the good news. I don’t think Mr. Obama will hold true to his campaign promises. He wouldn’t be the first politico to ditch a voter commitment for an electoral caveat. I also don’t think he’ll have a fixed rudder on the economic plan he unveiled prior to being elected, for the simple fact that his advisors have probably since filled in the blanks about how utterly misguided his initial fiscal daydream was.

Recall that Obama first preached how he was going to ‘stick it’ to corporate greed and force successful companies to yield to the will of their workers. In effect, Obama’s America was a socialist one where the status quo was going to be ironed out until we all had the same amount of wrinkles. Sounds good, except for one small problem: no successful company is about to bow to any government, simply because its’ President says so.

For example: if you told IBM tomorrow that they were just going to have to give away 40% of their profits to the less fortunate in order to do business in the U.S., IBM would likely pack up their old kit bag, smile and hightail it over to China where worker wages and expectations on worker’s quality of life remain at a bare minimal. It’s a pity individuals like yourself, who are about to see their taxation go through the roof, cannot afford the same luxury of pulling up stakes to some other sunny retreat on the planet.

The good news then is that Obama’s need for a second term in office will preclude him from acting with more derelict disregard for ‘Joe the Plumber’ than he probably would have if he had sailed into office on a golden parachute of good economic times. That’s good news for everyone.

The bad news is that the economy is going to get worse – perhaps a lot more – before it gets better.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic



Dear Crabby:

Mister! You got rocks in your head!

We’re not in a recession! North Americans have always come in three classes: rich, middle class and poor. Nothing’s going to change that. While you’re talking about tougher times, you neglect to mention that everyone has it rough at one time or another and that’s just life. Get on with it and stop complaining.

- Geoff in Bradley


Dear Rich Dummy:

Ding! Ding! Ding! Wake up call!

The world economy has been in a slump for some time. The other day, the U.S. government finally admitted as much by declaring that we are, in fact, in a recession.

I don’t know where you get your news from, but it’s rather obvious to me that you are utterly clueless when it comes to commenting about where the economy is headed. To be this misguided you either have to be drinking the 'good Kool-aid' or very well off.

Since you’ve proven your ability to type an email to me, I have to categorize you in the second category. Good for you. Whether you made your millions yourself, inherited them or simple married into money is irrelevant to this discussion.

I just wish you’d bear in mind that not everyone shares your viewpoint or your budget. Most middle class incomes are plummeting. Unemployment is on the rise. Good paying jobs are fast becoming a thing of the past and the price of daily essentials; food, gas, hydro bills, continues to rise.

We’ve already seen the instability of the financial markets reach a point of critical mass. Expensive bailouts are pending for the manufacturing industry. A lot of big chain retailers are also on the cusp of total annihilation.

Where have you been? If the answer is ‘on vacation’, then it must have been a long one! If you've merely been napping, I am here to tell you that you've been asleep too long!

Open your eyes, Geoffrey. President Obama will see to it that you’re forced to open your wallet.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

@The Crabby Critic 2008 (all rights reserved).

DISHING, rather than DIGGING DIRT ON THE BIG THREE

Dear Crabby:

What’s your opinion on the snafu with the Big Three?

Dale in Detroit


Dear Dale:

I’m rather torn in my opinion on what’s to be done with the nose-diving automotive industry. Clearly, management at the Big Three (Ford, Chrysler and General Motors) have made some gargantuan missteps that have paved the way for the situation.

Big expense accounts, huge – and unwarranted - executive bonuses, misguided union bullying and a downturn in the local economy have all conspired to make the future of America’s automotive sector dangerously bleak.

I speak these words with all the regret as a former Chrysler employee – one of many sacked in 2005 – as well as from the vantage that my father (a retired GM line worker) is in danger of losing the pension he put all of his blood, sweat and tears into to earn.

The arrival in Washington of CEOs from these companies on private corporate jets left a bad taste in everyone’s mouth. I agree with the congressional backlash that has gone on record as stating that most of the Big Three’s woes and wounds have been self inflicted.

This is not the time for grandstanding or refusing to answer the question of what they – the CEOs – would be willing to do to save the companies they preside over. When asked such a question earlier, GM’s chairman and CEO, Rick Wagner refused to commit himself to a $1.00 annual salary until such time as his company might be restored to profitability by the suggested government bail out.

It is a genuine pity that Mr. Wagner doesn’t see the error of his ways and what accepting such an offer might have done to sway congress into thinking that their billions would best be spent on bailing out car makers at this critical junction in their precariously balanced history. Such smugness in the face of looming financial disaster is not only ill timed but entirely irresponsible. I think it is time for Mr. Wagner to reconsider his position as chairman of the company. I should point out that I’ve had that thought for some time.

If I were sitting on the congressional decision making panel, I would enforce certain stipulations on the Big Three as a requirement for the bail out monies.

First:

No executive bonuses and a 50% reduction in top income salaries across the board. Any money congress spends on restoring the Big Three to profitability has to go exclusively to producing cars and technologies that will benefit the future.

Second:

Enforced resignations of all executives who are proven to be, at least in part, responsible for this current crisis. There’s a paper trail at each corporate office of all the mistakes that have been made along the way and at the bottom of most memos is a signature. The Big Three cannot afford to maintain their ‘dead-headed’ dead wood any longer. Top heavy mismanagement ought to have been a thing of the past long ago. It has never had a place in business logic. It certainly has no place in it right now!

Third:

I would encourage congress to appoint an independent automotive committee to oversee allocation and distribution of the funds, and, to also oversee the operations of each of the Big Three with monthly reporting from management to this committee as mandatory.

Personally, I’d like to see someone like Lee Iacocca back in the driver’s seat – not inside any one of these companies but as one of the independent automotive committee members, if not, in fact its ‘Chairman.’

Without a visionary like Iacocca at the helm, The Big Three have proven that, left to their own devices, they cannot manage their way out of a paper bag. So much for MBA degrees, pie charts and market research! The independent committee I speak of would be responsible for keeping everyone in check and on track – period!

Finally, I am not at all entirely convinced that even with my stipulations put into play that the Big Three would enjoy a return to fiscal solvency in any foreseeable time frame, if, in fact, ever.

Yet, unlike the pundits who are out for blood, I am not of the opinion that Congress should just walk away from this crisis and let history reduce these companies to a pick n’ save bankruptcy sale. Those who have suggested as much, forget that if one or all of these companies goes the way of the dinosaur, it will decimate virtually every other sector of the U.S. and Canadian economy.

Not only will it contribute to another Great Depression – it may very well end a way of life that both countries not only have become accustom to, but utterly depend on for mere survival.

To those who demand ‘change’ for the industry and the economy, I defiantly say that turning up the nose on some sort of practical restructuring agreement is decidedly NOT the way go about reshaping the greatest nation on earth. It will instead lead to its’ utter destruction.

Sincerely,
The Crabby Critic

Dear Crabby:

…or maybe I should say, ‘stupid!’ Despite all your muckraking Obama won! Just goes to show you don’t know everything!

- anonymous



Dear Chicken-Liver:

I don’t usually respond to ‘nameless’ emails, primarily because I figure that if you haven’t the guts to ask me a question as one person to another, I’ll be darned if I spend the time to answer you as one person should to another.

With regards to being ‘stupid’ – personal intelligence has absolutely nothing to do with expressing a personal opinion in public. Mine varied from yours – obviously. That doesn’t make either less genuine or valid. Perhaps some day you’ll recognize this.

With regards to ‘muckraking’ - since when is reporting factual data readily available from major news media sources on a Presidential candidate in a clear and concise way ‘muckraking’? Check your dictionary. The definition of ‘fact’ and ‘muckraking’ are not indivisible.

Finally, Obama won. So what?

It doesn’t prove I am wrong in my opinion about his capabilities to lead the nation any more than it proves those who elected him into office are on the right track. Time will tell. I suppose, on that matter we’ll all just have to wait and see.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

@The Crabby Critic 2008 (all rights reserved).

PUNDITS, POLOROIDS AND POWER PUFFS...

Dear Crabby:

I am so confused. I thought I had my political candidate all picked out this year – it was Hillary – and then I was asked to sympathize with Obama and thought, ‘Oh, well…I guess I should’ because we’re both Democrats. But then he went and picked a guy for his running mate and that left me cold.

Now, I hear rumors that Obama has sent political dirt diggers to Alaska to get something on Sarah Palin, the only woman in the race. I don’t think I’d ever vote for a gender, per say, but frankly I’m disgusted by the way Palin’s been represented on the news. I think she’s about the only honest one in the bunch. Why doesn’t this come across more in the way she’s being advertised?

Jessica M. in Florida


Dear Thinking for Yourself:

Palin’s the real deal. That’s the bottom line. Obama’s campaign – that reported to be all about ‘change’ in the beginning - has actually shown its true colors of late. He’s run one of the dirtiest, most underhanded smear jobs that it’s ever been my misfortune to witness.

The fact that the main stream press continues to treat Obama with kid gloves as though he were the second coming is disgusting; particularly in light of the facts that have surfaced about Obama’s ties to terrorist Bill Ayres and felon Tony Resco and his affiliations with Rev. Jeremiah Wright; all self righteous intellectually smug and self thought of superiors to the rest of us.

Lest we forget that every time Obama doesn’t like a question being posed to him he simply chooses to cut and run without providing any satisfactory answer to the American people. If he’s going to be Commander and Chief he needs to rethink that strategy.

After Sarah Palin’s Republican acceptance speech knocked Obama’s glossy ‘Roman-esque’ diatribe off the front page of every major media outlet the first line of defense from the Obama camp was to refer to Palin as a former ‘mayor’ instead of as a sitting governor – which is what she is. To her credit, Palin shot back with the fact that all Obama has been so far is a one term Senator and a ‘community organizer.’

Asked to define the term ‘community organizer’ the Obama camp is currently claiming that Jesus too was a ‘community organizer’,

Hence, the religious moniker ascribed to Obama by radio talk show guru Rush Limbaugh many months before – as ‘the self anointed, self-appointed messiah of the American people’ has laughingly come to pass. Obama’s temperament and ego are in line with sainthood; though someone should point out to the high and mighty ‘O’ that Jesus was not seeking fame, fortune or sovereign control over a free nation’s peoples.

Come to think of it, the more I see of Barack Obama the more I don’t like him – which is a personal taste – but more importantly, the less I believe he is ready, willing and able to lead America on to anything but utter chaos and complete ruin.

Obama is a misguided and inexperienced elitist who did not even realize he had stepped in it deep when he told ABC political analyst George Stephanopoulis that he was, in fact, a Muslim (something the New Yorker Magazine front cover made fun of previously, if you’ll recall). Currently, there is a law suit filed that claims Obama isn’t even American – that he is, in fact, Kenyan born and hence, ineligible for the Presidency. You must be a born an American in order to run for the office.

But back to Governor Sarah Palin; a hard working, no nonsense, tough as nails self professed pit bull ‘hockey mom’ who proudly wears her lipstick next to her tried and true legacy as a level-headed leader; first in the city of Wassilla, then as commander and chief of the entire state of Alaska. The reason Palin appears to be clean under the finger nails has to do with the fact that she has not been rooting through the political swill of her contemporaries – much as Obama’s ‘pig’ reference would suggest a lesser calling to her name and stature.

If it were up to me, I’d vote for Sarah Palin as president and not V.P. She has guts, humility and a genuine respect for the position she currently holds. She also knows full well what the challenges are that await her if she gets in on the McCain ticket this November election. Obama just wants the Presidency as the last feather for his cap – much in the same way a Boy Scout collects badges for being able to perform a magic trick or start a fire once in his life – then forgets how and never does it ever again.

You don’t need a magician in the White House. You need a miracle worker. Sarah Palin’s already performed a few miracles in her brief tenure as nominated V.P. She’s thrown the Obama camp into a tailspin; she’s upset what appeared to be a pretty definite cake walk for the ‘chosen one’ and she did it without flash or those Obama-approved ‘Greco-Roman’ columns that she herself made fun of during her speech.

Palin trumps Obama in the ‘experience department’ too. Obama knows this and it ticks him off. So, like all bullies – whether in the school yard or political arena – he’s chosen an attempt to bloody the reputation of his opponent rather than to simply remain silent on the matter. His camp has poked fun at small town America – their religion, guns and Bibles – in general, and Governor Palin’s home town genuineness in particular.

Obama’s frowned upon Palin’s decision to give birth to a special needs child and has even questioned how any woman with five children is able to find the time to govern unless, of course, she does so by sacrificing her own ‘family values’ – hence, the sting of an unwed pregnant teenager to contend with.

Now, how Presidential is that, I ask you?!?

In lobbying these attacks, Barack Obama has brought down his own house of cards. Only this time, he isn’t going down for the count alone.

In a recent poll, 70% of Americans now believe that the main stream media have been ‘in bed’ with Obama from the start in delivering their own heavy handed and thoroughly biased backing of his campaign. NBC’s Chris Matthews openly admitted that he gets a ‘tingly feeling’ down his leg when he hears Obama speak.

How bipartisan is that?

And what about the other self appointed, self-anointed ‘O’ in this equation – Oprah Winfrey?

Now that Oprah openly refused to have Governor Palin on her show as a guest (while she’s had both Barak and his wife Michelle)- until perhaps “after” the election, it is my sincere hope that the millions of women that make up Oprah’s viewers will start clicking off The Oprah Winfrey Show in support for Sarah Palin.

Let’s see how smug and superior Ms. Winfrey will be after her Neilson’s come a tumblin’ down and her sponsor’s bail on her because her female base has finally realized what a rank and dishonest hypocrite she has been to them all along.

Because in the final analysis, this campaign is not about race or gender. It’s about who’s the best person in line for the job.

Barack Obama is NOT that person.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic




Dear Crabby:

I think I am in love with my best friend’s mother. I’m thirty-two, as is my best friend. She’s fifty-one and has been divorced from her husband ever since me and her son were kids in grade school. She’s never remarried, but she also doesn’t really know I’m alive…except as her son’s best friend. Anyway, I need some pointers here, because I don’t want to give off any weird vibes and I also don’t want to lose a best friend over this. What should I do?

Tyler in Connecticut


Dear Ty-ed Down To Your Heart:

Get a hobby – another one. You’re situation is not unique, but it does come with its own set of difficulties as you’ve already discovered. Let’s deconstruct the issue in bits to better deal with the whole picture.

First, mom doesn’t know you like her, so her attentions toward you have been strictly honorable. She’s a middle-aged gal who apparently is content being the single mother of your best friend. That isn’t to say she hasn’t had other gentlemen callers in her past, but her perspective on the matter seems to be that she’s dedicated her whole life to raising the fellow you call your best friend. In my books that makes mom good people. She put her child’s interests ahead of her own.

Second, your best friend doesn’t know you fancy his mum. Good thing too, because as a son he probably has a hard time thinking of his mother having sex at all; even with his father, let alone his best friend. So, unless you want to see him stick his head through a plate glass window or start clucking like a chicken in heat, it’s best that he doesn’t know anything about your feelings.

Third – and this is the problem area – you’re all adults. This would be a real easy case if you were fifteen and mom was thirty-one. I’d tell you to get your hormones in check and expound on the ways your perspective towards women in general was going to change within the next few years. Above all, I would have told you

– DON’T DO IT! in no uncertain terms.

The fact that you’ve all passed the age of puberty and are steadily marching either toward or past middle age presents a quandary because legally speaking, there’s nothing wrong in the way you feel. There would also be nothing harmful about pursuing such a relationship, provided the lady was willing.

But I’m going to step out on a limb here and stick to my original answer.

DON’T DO IT! because you’ve pointed out that you don’t want to lose a best friend. Courting his mother would probably kill your friendship.

It would be different if, say, mom liked you and then brokered the deal of getting to know you better with her son. But your situation is the other way around. Worst case scenario: you tell mom you’re hot for her and she thinks you’re a scummy little creep; tells you to get out, and then, tells sonny boy what you’ve done – in which case he’ll beat the living snot out of you before high noon tomorrow. So again, my best advice is move on.
At your age I have every reason to believe what you feel is love and not mere lust but it doesn’t matter because the outcome would be the same. To ease the situation for you, I might recommend that you and your best friend do ‘best friend things’ in a venue other than his family home where you’ll be tempted to moon over his mother. The less time you spend in her presence the more likely you are to feel better about sacrificing the ‘what might have been’ for what actually is.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

Dear Crabby:

I hate my sister. I mean it. She’s been a thorn in my side ever since our mother died when I was eight and she was twelve. She thinks she is my mother; always telling me what to do and who to date and how to live. She thinks she’s so smart, just because she’s married and successful and I’m still trying to find my way. I just want her to leave me alone, but she’s forever meddling in what I’m doing. How do I get rid of this pest?

Sheila in Baton Rouge


Dear Snotty Sibling:

It’s a pity you view your sister as a pest because from what you’ve told me the only assessment I can make is that she wants to be helpful, useful and close to you in any way that she can. Clearly, the death of your mother made her feel a sense of responsibility and duty towards you. She knows she’s not your mother but she also has more tenure on the planet and is willing to share her life’s experiences to help ease you through the rough spots in yours.

I am an only child, so the question of ‘meddlesome’ sibling intervention is a moot point. But I often wish there were another brother or sister – older or same age – in whom I could confide my plans, fears, wishes and dreams. It sounds to me as though you’re being terribly ungrateful for the time your sister has invested in your overall development and well being. Even with a husband and family of her own, she wants to make room and time for you and continue to be that sounding board you can respect, turn to and trust.

My advice; don’t throw that away. As the year’s roll on you’ll realize that men and children will come and go but a sister is that perennial for all your live long days. I suppose if you don’t want to be as close to your sister as you have been, then you could not answer her phone calls and avoid her in public. But then she would consider you a brat. I already do.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic



Dear Crabby:

Is twenty-four too old to be a virgin?

Anonymous in Alaska



Dear Hiding from the Truth:

The short answer is ‘No!’ But while we’re on the subject of virginal expiration, I should point out that there is ‘no’ timeline for this next transitional phase in human experience. Just because some people are already working on double digit conquests by your age doesn’t mean that should be the status quo for you to aspire to. If you’re not ready, then you’re just NOT ready! Period!

So, when will you be ready? That’s a question only you can answer. But you shouldn’t dwell on it. You can’t plan for losing your virginity any more than you can plan for an eyelash getting stuck in your eye. It just happens when it does and when it feels right to happen. So cheer up and go play some hockey or something. Life will go on!

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

Dear Crabby:

I married way too young – at eighteen and was divorced by the time I was twenty-four. No kids, thank heaven! Problem: my first marriage wasn’t particularly bad but it was awkward. I’ve stayed out of the meat market for the last twelve years by choice. My friends tell me its time to get back into the swing of things. I suppose I should point out that they were married around the same time as me, but their marriages stuck. They’re still married. Anyway, are they right? Should I get back into the swing of things?

Jodi in Belfast


Dear Blind Leading the Brain Dead:

Just because you’re friends tell you to do something doesn’t mean you should. After all, they were probably instrumental in helping you take the first plunge and look how well that turned out. I think sometimes married friends who have been married for awhile forget that ‘single’ and ‘alone’ are two very different things. Just because you’re single doesn’t mean you’re ‘alone’ or – more to the point – ‘lonely!’

You say you’ve been out of circulation for twelve years. That makes you roughly 36. Not old, but definitely old enough to know your own mind. You don’t need a gallop poll to tell you its time for another stab at romance. Besides, in those twelve years of romantic abstinence I think you’ve figured out an essential that your friends have not: that when the chips are down you can count on you to look after yourself.

I also have to tell you as one single person to another single person that as the years roll by being married just doesn’t seem to be a top priority any more. It isn’t that you’re anti-marriage, but you suddenly realize that you’ve become comfortable with being yourself by yourself. That’s not a bad thing and it certainly should not be the only criteria in getting involved in another relationship before its time.

So, when is it time? Well, the answer to that question may be ‘never’. You may decide that living alone suits you best and if that’s your choice and you’re comfortable with it then you’ve made the right decision for you. Don’t let your friends bully you into thinking you’re odd just because you’re not packing a hubby his lunches and baking cookies for the PTA. Live your life as you think it should be lived and let the chips fall where they may.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic@The Crabby Critic 2008 (all rights reserved).

FREE TO GOOD HOME?

Dear Crabby:

I’m getting pretty sick and tired of my boyfriend’s lack of interest in my problems. Whenever we go shopping together and I try to get him to give me an answer about what I should buy, you know, color, style – yada, yada, yada – he just says ‘I don’t know. Whatever you want.’ Yesterday I asked him if he thought I was getting too heavy. I’ve put on fifteen pounds in the last year, and he just shrugged his shoulders and said, ‘I don’t know. No.’ Like, what is that? How do I get him to be more responsive?

Giselle in Naples

Dear Hurricane Waiting To Happen:

I’ll bet your boyfriend’s pretty sick of you too, getting on his case every time he doesn’t give you the answer he thinks you want to hear. Let me give you a few clues.

Clue #1:

Some men start out with definite opinions in a relationship and others just go with the flow. Sounds to me like to lucked out with guy #2. He gives you an answer. I’ll grant you that it’s not a very decisive one, but it’s still an answer and you should be happy with it or you’ll wind up making the two of you miserable as I suspect you already have.

Clue #2:

A man is not like a house that you buy in the low rent district with visions of fixing it up into your kind of place. He comes with a set of thoughts and ideas, perceptions and personal interests already pre-programmed and built in long before you took him off the market. You came with a set of these principles yourself! It’s just that you suddenly realized the two sets – yours and his – are not quite compatible.

I get a lot of letters from women who want to change their guy. Bad idea. It doesn’t work. He won’t change any more than you will. He shouldn’t have to, either!

Clue #3:

The perfect person doesn’t exist. The right mate for anyone is the person stepping onto that same level of inarticulacy as you. No one will ever be an exact match. So, you find that person who meets most of your main criteria.

What are the main criteria?

I always say that young couples in lust need to have a basic chat about the following fundamentals – preferable before they’ve slept together, because it alleviates a lot of heartache later on.

Topics open for discussion include (1) kids – when and how many, (2) career plans – if you want a corporate CEO and he’s happy just being the garbage man it won’t work, (3) sexual frequency, habits and fantasies – you want it once a year and missionary; he needs it twice daily in every position but, and in between trolling the net for lesbian porn (4) place of residence – you want to move to a California bungalow near the beach and he’s more at home wearing a parka in some remote outpost in Alaska, and finally (5) hobbies.

This last one often gets overlooked but it says a lot about the guy or gal you’ve become attached to. It also creates a lot of problems for gals when they discover that their man’s a sports freak who block books whole seasons to indulge in his arm chair viewing while she would rather be ballroom dancing, hiking, having a Cosmo on a beach in the south of France…you get my point.

And YES – I am deadly serious about these criteria. For the most part, I find that woman just settle for the guy they’re with – problem areas and all – then, spend a good portion of their courtship and/or marriage attempting to uproot all of their guy’s trademarks because they suddenly realized they can’t live with the boy in their bedroom as is.

Why do women do this?

Well, in short – the guy is hot and he’s rocked her world.

Why do men put up with it?

Well, in short, the gal is hot and she’s rocked his world.

Hey, guess what?

You two have something in common!

Clue #4:

Finally, stop dragging your beau around mall trips to the ladies department and asking him loaded questions like ‘are you fat?’ and expecting an honest answer or any answer for that matter. I suspect that radical sixties feminism – that old ‘you can have your cake and eat it too’ mentality - is to blame for this currency of women who expect that their mates should be joined at their hip at all times.

WRONG!

If you’re shopping for clothes with a man just take it as a given that he would rather be looking at power tools, lawn furniture or DVD players than comparing pink chiffon to chantilly lace. That doesn’t make him insensitive or a moron!

After all, you probably don’t care for any of the aforementioned items I just listed that would leave your guy salivating hours on end at the Home Depot or Best Buy.

You want to shop for a new dress and heels? – take your sister, mother, girlfriend(s) with you. You’ll have a better time and so will your guy…doing whatever he wants to do without you nagging him.

So, after all that – the short answer to your question is ‘you can’t get your guy to be something more than what he is.’

He is who he is; not a house that just needs a new coat of paint and some shutters and certainly NOT your pet that needs to be house trained!

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

Dear Crabby:

I want to get married – desperately! The problem that I have is that I always seem to attract the wrong sort of guy. I think they’re normal when I first meet them. Then something happens and I lose interest. What’s wrong with me?

Rachel in Nevada


Dear Arid Romantic:

I don’t think you’re as desperate as you’ve made yourself sound. Desperation usually breeds conflict and resolution – especially in women looking for Mr. Right. Even if you don’t find him, you do the prowl, pick a guy who represents ‘second best’ or a ‘compromise’ and then find a way to make it work because that ring finger is just too, too bare.

In your case, you’ve a discerning nature.

You’re picky!

That’s a good thing, so long as you don’t get carried away. Like, if you meet a man and he’s literally perfect for you in all respects, except that he scratches his left arm pit from time to time and in public…that’s not a deal breaker. You have to be accepting and move on. I don’t think that’s your problem.

I also think you’ll eventually find love. But don’t lower your standards to do so. There’s nothing more attractive to a man than a woman who knows her own mind. It takes the onus off him for having to second guess every little picky detail and answer a litany of stupid questions that really don’t involve or engage him in any way.

Want my advice? If you haven’t found Mr. Right in the places you’ve been looking – make a change of venue to someplace you may not have even considered. For example: if you want a devote Christian who’s religious and church going, my best advice is that you don the white gloves and Easter bonnet and hit the holy roller’s club.

If you are the athletic type who, say, loves to cycle, why not join a local racing club or hang out with a girlfriend at the local gym where athletic guys are likely to be out in full flourish fleece and muscle tees?

Think of your search for Mr. R in the same vane as mailing out your résumé. Example: if you wanted a job as a marketing research assistant with a major design house you wouldn’t go around submitting your credentials to McDonalds and expect that they’d call you in to help pick out fabrics for the next restaurant they were opening.

I find that a lot of singles who ‘desperately’ want to marry think that just by showing up in a public venue it will guarantee their success in procuring a mate who shares their interests and moral ideals.

Big mistake!

Choice of venue is just as important. Give it some thought. Think seriously about what you want – then go out and get it. It’s that simple.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

@Crabby Critic 2008 (all rights reserved).

DON'T SELL YOUR SOUL TO THE DEVIL...

...or anyone else who's willing to pay

Dear Crabby:

I am going through a messy divorce. So messy, in fact, that my wife’s attorney has now informed my attorney that she intends to ask for not only our house, but our cottage in the Hamptons and my apartment in London. I love that place! My wife’s predilection for accumulating communal property is based on the fact that she is holding all the cards – i.e. she’s the one who caught me spending way too much time on the computer paying for websites that I probably shouldn’t have been surfing in the first place.

These proceedings have really left me dazed and confused. I didn’t think my wife had a leg to stand on but my own attorney informs me that she does and I’ll most likely lose my case in the end. Don’t I have any rights at all?

Drakos in New York



Dear Drak’ in the Sack:

I’m not an attorney so the question of your rights is moot. My first bit of advice to you would be that if at first you don’t succeed consult a better attorney. Yours sounds as though he’s already given up on both you and your case.

With regards to your obvious affection for a place – your London flat – rather than the person – your wife – who was supposed to share it with you…well, I suppose you should have thought more seriously about both the apartment and your wife before wasting your time looking at airbrushed nudie pictures on the net.

Frankly, I’ve never understood why any married man would spend his days and nights looking at 2-D images of other naked women when he could just as easily find a real 3-D naked woman in his own bed.
And just so that we’re clear, I seriously doubt – given your attorney’s statement – that that’s the only reason your wife filed in the first place. I don’t know of a single judge who’ll give a woman every asset in a divorce settlement based solely on her partner’s aggressive foreplay with a keyboard. They’re just zeros and ones, you know.

Be that as it may, it sounds to me like you’ve stepped in it fairly deep and are now looking for a clean place to wipe your clogs. There may or may not be a good matt lying around. Only your attorney and the judge presiding over your hearing will know for sure.

My advice: plan to kiss the London apartment goodbye, along with whatever other assets your wife has attached to her petition. She may or may not get what she’s asking for but I would resign myself to the losses off the bat. That way, anything you do retain you’ll consider gravy rather than sloppy leftovers – which is probably the way your wife is feeling about you right about now.
You haven’t mentioned children, so I will assume there are none (a blessing) – in which case the judge will most likely rule you must keep your wife in the manner to which she has become accustomed. From your brief description, I believe that she has become accustom to quite a lot.

Perhaps, if both parties are willing – you and your wife can work out a time share on these properties you seem to both hold dearer to than your marriage.

I can’t make, or even suggest that this is a reality for you. But my best advice to you now, considering it’s your fault, is to step lively and tread lightly on where you go from here. It’s also fairly important that you remember your Shakespeare: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned…”

Oh yeah, baby. Feel them burns!

Yours truly
The Crabby Critic

Dear Crabby:

I think my wife must be the most sexually frigid human being I have ever met. We’ve been married for three months and I want to try new things. Nothing kinky. Just a different position now and then would be nice. But she doesn’t even want to think it over. Any advice on how to loosen her up?

Ronald in Ballarat Australia


Dear Aussie Adventurer:

I suppose you could start off by telling your wife to stop being a little sex Nazi, only I have a feeling you wouldn’t be very popular in the bedroom then – so, let’s rethink your options. After all, one position is better than none.

Now, before I get a litany of angry female rebukes to my reply, telling me that I have no idea what this particular woman’s problem is, I’m going to step out on my own limb in her defense and tell you that ‘experimentation’ is a term I generally relegate to trying out a new restaurant in town or using a Bunsen burner during some high school science experiment.

However, not even willing to contemplate another position sounds pretty up tight to me. You haven’t explained that your wife was always like this while you were dating, but I’ll have to assume that she was. Women don’t just seize up after the band of gold is affixed to their finger. My best non-educated advice would be that you get to the bottom of your wife’s hang-ups. Don’t just come out with something like “So, what’s your problem?”

Rather, try the tender, enlightened approach.

Start off by asking if there’s anything you haven’t been doing to her that she would like you to or if there’s anything you have been doing that she wishes would just stop. If the answer to either or both questions is ‘yes’ then my next bit of advice is that you adhere to your wife’s requests. After you’ve proven a willingness to comply with her tastes and preferences your wife may very well be more open and receptive to attempting some sort of variation on your behalf to satisfy your needs.

I’d also like to point out that sexual timidity isn’t a bad thing. On the contrary, it illustrates a fundamental truth about your wife’s sexual past; that it probably wasn’t based on a series of wild teenage orgies in the Catskills.

Relax, Ron – you have yourself a good woman who probably just needs to be reassured that you’re not the kind who’s going to open up the Pandora’s Box of kink leading to hot wax, golden showers, bizarre toys, threesomes and live webcam coverage.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

Dear Crabby:

Okay, this is going to sound ridiculous but it’s true. I was at a family picnic three weeks ago. When my mother-in-law – a devote Catholic – asked if I’d like another one of her sister’s homemade donuts I made the off kilter remark, “Oh, I’d sell my soul to the devil for another one of those.”

I meant it as a compliment. The donuts were fantastic. My mother-in-law quietly went to the table, brought back the tray of donuts to where I was and simply patted me on the back before returning to the party.

Since then the woman won’t speak to me. We used to talk two or three times a week on the phone before. Now I find out that she told my husband, her son, that perhaps my faith – or lack thereof - is the reason that we haven’t been able to conceive a child as yet and that perhaps he might want to consider having children with someone else. I mean, honestly – all this over a donut?!?

Becky in Woodland Park, Colorado
Dear Head-Spinner:

On the surface, I’ll admit that to bring up the evil one’s name in conversation to a highly religious woman seems a bit of a ‘well, duh!’ moment to me. I mean, it wasn’t like you just found out yesterday that your mother-in-law took the Bible and her faith very seriously.

But I’ll also reserve the right to suggest herein that mama doesn’t sound quite as stable as she pretends to be if a little light banter about pitchforks and brimstone is enough to convince her that you’re the demon’s seed.

You made a mistake!

Perhaps it was tactless and stupid on your part – in point of fact, it was! But it doesn’t mean that you’re going to start burning live children and house pets in the front yard any time soon.

If you want to smooth this over as quickly as possible, my advice to you is to have your husband bring his mother over to your house for a very heartfelt apology on your part – something so utterly sincere that his mother will instantly see the light, retract her statements, and also be able to have good cause to suspect that the same afterglow of religious fervor is still very much a hallmark of your own spiritual makeup.

Be legit. I don’t think the damage to your relationship is irreversible, but it will take some considerable pussyfooting on your part to get things back on track.

And the next time you feel the sudden need to stupidly bring up Satin in mixed conversation my advice is that you take a wafer and big swig of communal wine and then go to sleep: pray for brains.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

@2008 Crabby Critic (all rights reserved).

WITCHES, WANDERERS AND WEDDINGS

Dear Crabby:

I’m not sure how to handle my mother in law. She’s opinionated, demanding, obtrusive and a nuisance when she’s around. The other night my husband and I had a mixed crowd over and she proceeded to tell everyone how my potato salad wasn’t as good as hers and furthermore, that it probably would never be. “Some people just have it when it comes to cooking,” is what she told everybody. I found myself apologizing for the food I served even though nobody else seemed to complain and there were no leftovers to be had.

Help! Help! HELP!

Clarisa in Madison Wisconsin




Dear Swallowed Whole by the Monster-in-Law:

Reprimanding mama should really be the domain of your hubby. However, since you left any reference to your man out of your question I’ll assume he did nothing to stop the onslaught of maternal abuse and guilt. Ergo, your husband’s still a little boy, rather than a man, when it comes to his own mother. He’s seeking her satisfaction and her favor. Poor you.

Yep, I concur. Your mother-in-law has overstepped her bounds. She needs to be put in her place and fast, so that you can stop stressing over her misperceived inadequacies about you with regard to the proper care and feeding of her little boy.

I am a firm believer in never dwelling on the past. To be clear – it’s okay to look back in reflection from time to time, but those reflections should primarily be focused on the more pleasurable moments and memories of your life and NOT on the mistakes you’ve made.

Still, I think you made a big one at the party. You should NOT have apologized for the food you served, particularly if the dishes that were returned were empty and there were no leftovers. Clearly, others thought enough of your culinary skills to devour every morsel on their plates!

Since we can’t go back to the party, perhaps we can use it as an example to prepare you for the next time this demonic Julia Childs decides to shish ka -barb and skewer her comments in your direction.

First, let’s assume for a moment that this maleficent Martha Stewart was right – your potato salad wasn’t as good as hers…so what? It wasn’t bad either. It also wasn’t spoiled or otherwise not fit to eat. Perhaps in using the term ‘not as good’ your mother-in-law merely meant that your potato salad differed from hers. Okay, I’ll bet the two of you don’t make identical anything. So, what was her point? Clearly, to embarrass you in front of your guests.

Shame on her!

Shame on your husband too, for not sticking up for you and your potato salad!

Bottom line: your mother-in-law may not see you as a lesser when it comes to looking after her child. She may simply be jealous. She needs a challenge to put her in her place and I want you to give it to her. Just remember, whatever you do or say, it cannot appear on the surface as an ultimatum or you’ll be the one who looks like the evil woman.

So, the next time you hear mom tell your guests that she’s a better cook than you I want you to be polite and unnerved and come back with something like,

“Well, that’s an opinion, isn’t it? Maybe I should take you up on that. After all, you’ve had more years in the kitchen. How about we move into my kitchen? You give me pointers and I’ll give it my best shot.”

The onus will then be on her. Either your husband’s mother will want to ‘straighten you out’ in the kitchen or she’ll back down from helping you out because you’ve called her bluff. Either way, you’ll have set a precedent when it comes to your cooking: hands off and pass the potato salad.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic





Dear Crabby:

I think my wife is having an affair with her sister’s husband. We had a barbeque two weeks ago in our backyard with a lot of friends and family. There were several moments throughout the afternoon where I caught them spending what I would argue was ‘unhealthy’ friendly time together.

At one point he was holding her around the waist in the pool and at another moment they were slow dancing together. I heard a friend of a friend comment what a ‘lovely couple’ they made because this person assumed my wife and her sister’s husband were she and me!!! I straightened out that confusion pretty quick!

Anyway, there have been other things going on. Two weeks ago my wife said she was going to her sister’s to just hang out. I went to work. A few hours later I called from work to our house and the babysitter told me that my wife still hadn’t come home so I called her sister’s house and he answered and told me that my wife and he were just watching movies. When I asked how his wife was, he told me she was visiting her mother out of state! Clearly, my wife did not go over to her sister’s to spend time with her!

I made up some story about calling home and finding out that one of our children wasn’t feeling well and asked her to go home and she said she would, but an hour later when I called home again the babysitter was still there. I just hung up.

There’s other curiosities to tell too but I won’t because I know this email is already too long.

Any advice? I’m not sure what’s going on.

Jacob in Wyoming



Dear Totally Confused:

You’re not, really. You’re just in denial. There’s fairly good evidence to suspect your wife based on just these two incidents. She’s spending way too much time with her sister’s man. At the very least, their behavior has been inappropriate. He should not be putting his hands on her person – ANYWHERE – but especially around her bare waist in your swimming pool! Your wife should not be choosing her sister’s man over her children while you’re at work!

The most shocking aspect for me is that the rest of your family and friends – save the one misguided person who thought your wife was dancing with you at your barbeque – seem to be utterly nonchalant about accepting the fact. I think, under the circumstances you behaved properly at the barbeque by not interrupting your wife and her sister’s stud. It would have created a scene and who needs it? The less other people are in on their dirty little secret, and the fact that you’re eating your guts over it, the better.

I think you’ve passed the threshold where a good marriage counselor could have made something out of this mishmash. It’s time to consider ending things amicably. The first step; you need to confirm what you already know by confronting your wife about her relationship with her sister’s husband. You also need to find out what her sister thinks about her man slow dancing with her kin. I mean, where was she while all this extracurricular activity was taking place?

I would begin my inquiries with your wife. Make your accusation clear and pointed. Say something like,

“I know what’s been going”

or

“how much longer did you think I would let this go on?”

It’s a little bit like the penal system in China: guilty until proven innocent.

The onus is on your wife to deny the allegation and defend herself against it. Because you’ve worded the inquiry in such a way that suggests you have concrete knowledge – rather than just a hunch - your wife will be less likely to start her reply with a cover up because she’ll assume you’ve already reached that point where you’ve accepted the affair.

Worst case scenario: your wife confirms your suspicions and asks for a divorce.

Best case scenario: you’ve been hyperactive over nothing and she hates you for a week.

Personally, I don’t think she will. Bottom line, Jake – their presumed affair is on a need to know basis. You NEED to KNOW, because right now you’re driving yourself insane with assumptions.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic



Dear Crabby:

My girlfriend is pregnant with our second child and has just informed me that she intends to have a hysterectomy following the birth. When I asked her why she had changed her mind, my girlfriend said she just didn’t feel comfortable bringing more kids into the world when we weren’t married. What a crock! She knew I wanted a big family before we started and now she’s reneging on our deal in the middle of everything. What manipulation! Frankly, I’m more than insulted.

Bob in Chelsea

Dear Bob:

I’m a little miffed myself – but not for your reasons. Second child and no wedding ring? Why not? If she’s good enough to bed she ought to be good enough to wed – particularly when children are involved.

Do you not realize what you’ve created is an unstable living environment about to become very hostile for two innocent people?

You want a bigger family? I think your significant other wants a white dress. Which one of you is going to win this showdown? Sadly, whoever bends over at this point, your children will be the biggest losers because they will be growing up in a house brimming to the rafters with residual resentment. In my opinion you and your girlfriend both made a colossal mistake. She’s just figured that out. You still haven’t let the ramifications sink beyond that thick skull of yours.

I don’t know what your thoughts were when you pondered creating your own city from scratch, but guess what?

Your woman doesn’t fancy living inside the Von Trapp family commune unless Mr. and Mrs. Von Trapp tie the knot!

Perhaps it took her a little too long to come to that decision but I support her decision completely!

Quid pro quo. You supply that familiar band of gold and your girlfriend may consent to providing you with a few more opportunities to populate the earth with your offspring.

Otherwise, you’ll just move on to some new fertile honey that can fulfill your polygamist fantasy and your current gal pal will get stuck with two illegitimate kids that she’ll struggle to feed, since at the crux of your relationship there never was any real game plan for the future! How tragic for those kids!

You want my advice?

Justice of the peace – tomorrow!

I’ll mail you a bag of rice!

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

@2008 (all rights reserved).

...JUST A BOWL OF CHERRIES

Dear Crabby:

I lost my brother to cancer last year and since then my life doesn’t seem to have meaning anymore. It isn’t that we were two confirmed bachelors, lived together and did practically everything together, but we were also twins. Our parents died when we were very young and we never separated throughout the years. There were girlfriends and such but in the final analysis we decided never to part from one another until my brother became ill last Fall.

I moved into the hospital with him for his care but now that he’s gone I just can’t seem to move on. I don’t know what to do or where to go. Everything just seems utterly pointless. Please, if you can – help me.

Darryl M. in Lavel Quebec



Dear Loyal Sibling and Caregiver:

You’ve been looking out for your brother for so long that in his absence it seems there’s nothing left for you to do. The good news, Darryl is that it just ‘seems’ that way.

It’s time’s like these I wish I had that magic pill or wand or quick reboot so I could just restart the world anew with fresh thoughts. Unfortunately, the ‘power invested in me’ has its limits. While I can’t make you forget the pain you’re feeling right now, perhaps there are a few steps I could suggest to soften the sting of regret that’s so persistent in your life at this moment in time. I want to point out that these steps aren’t ‘cure alls’ – they won’t numb the feelings you’re feeling. But they might change your outlook on the remaining years of your life.

So, Step One:

find some new hobbies to occupy your free time. You said you and your twin did everything together and I suspect that when you do those same activities now – or even think about doing them for that matter – all of the old sorrows over your loss come rushing back like a tidal wave.

My advice would be that you do something that’s out of character – something you and your brother never tried. It could be something as simple as visiting a new bistro in the neighborhood or reading a book you never thought would interest you before. Or it could be something as drastic as taking a vacation to some part of the world that you always wanted to visit but your brother had absolutely no interest in.

Whatever the change is – change, in and of itself, is generally positive in spirit. You wouldn’t be making these changes to spite your brother’s memory. You would be doing it to jump start some new memories for the sake of your own sanity.

Step Two:

get in touch with old friends – or better still – start making some new ones. They can be male or female; platonic or romantic. But test the waters. See what’s out there.

Afford yourself the luxury of companionship without feeling guilty that you’re having a good time with someone who isn’t your brother.

Step Three:

get a pet. I recommend a dog. Dog’s need people, unlike cats who just want their food and fresh water and then hope that you’ll round out your generosity by buzzing off.

A dog is a great companion. No matter what sort of day you’ve had, when you come home those loveable mutts are waiting for you – tails wagging – looking soulfully into your eyes with ‘I love you’ written all over their furry facades. Also, dogs are fairly intuitive. If you’re going through a rough spot, a dog can sense it and will try to be near you to ‘make things right.’

Step Four:

Force yourself to do stuff. I don’t mean just necessities like grocery shopping or gassing up the car. I want you to plan at least one major outing for every week. I don’t care what it is; going to the movies, jogging along the waterfront, signing up for a fitness club, playing tennis, jogging, cycling, hiking, barbequing with friends in the backyard.

I'll rip from Nike here – I want you to ‘just do it!’

No excuses. If you decided today to go for a walk tomorrow but wake up the next morning and discover that it’s raining, then (save the fact that it’s not a twister or hurricane) I want you to pack an umbrella and GO for that walk!

I remember someone telling me that activity merely suggests a life filled with purpose. I would strongly disagree. Activity is purpose. You get in the zone of whatever it is you’re doing and the action becomes a part of your emotional psyche. You feel better doing something that makes you physically productive. So, don’t just sit there staring at the same four walls you remember staring at with your brother. Get out of your shell and your former self. Do it. For yourself and because if you’re brother were here he’d probably be telling you the same thing.

Finally: Step Five:
I want you to do something nice for someone else.

I want it to be a spontaneous selfless act. Nothing grand. If you know someone who’s going through a rough patch like yourself – send them flowers or a singing telegram or a new picture for their office or house. Do it without expecting anything in return – even a phone call. Just put yourself in the other person’s place and become actively involved in what’s going on in somebody else’s life for that moment and see where the inspiration for being charitable will lead. Guaranteed – it won’t lead to boredom or regret.

Above all else, Darryl: losing a loved one is never easy.

No kidding.

It also takes time to massage the emotional wounds to a point where our pain is merely residual rather than all encompassing. I don’t pretend to have the Band-Aid to your problem. But I do know that the more you function as an active participant in the world outside of your own existence, the more likely you are to rediscover that the world at large has a lot more to offer you than the relationship you lost with your brother.

It isn’t that the relationship with your brother wasn’t important. It was. But it’s served its purpose and it’s over. Rediscovering another purpose to take its place is the task set before you now. Embrace it with all the time and personal investment you had in the relationship with your brother and I will guarantee that you won’t be disappointed with your results. Remember, all truly great days begin with a challenge.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic







Dear Crabby:

My 24 year old daughter just told us she’s been a lesbian for the last six years. This has my husband very upset. He thinks my daughter’s just confused and that she’ll get over it eventually. What do you think?

Jarlyene in Tennessee



Dear Denial-in-Waiting:

At 24, being a lesbian isn’t a phase or a means of experimentation. It’s a way of life. Most gay men and woman will tell you that they knew from a very early age that they were not attracted to people of the opposite sex. Your daughter’s been a lesbian for six years. She’s probably known she was one for a lot longer. There’s little to suggest she’ll ‘get over it’ – to use your husband’s terminology – and start chasing after boys in tight jeans instead.

I understand where your husband’s coming from. He probably had ideas of walking his little girl down the isle someday and didn’t factor into the equation that the other person waiting at the altar might also be wearing a dress. But your daughter’s revelation needn’t be a tragedy. Most people take a lifetime to figure out who they are. You’re daughter’s already come to that decision.

I think you had better prepare your husband for the very real understanding that his darling girl in pigtails is not going to wind up giving him a slew of grandchildren – at least, not by means of the old fashioned way of procreation. This doesn’t have to be a deal breaker in their daughter/father bond. But if any change is going to occur, then it’s going to have to come from your husband – not your daughter.

Why not try and soften the blow for your husband with some readily apparent truths; starting with the fact that as far as your daughter is concerned – unwanted pregnancy is a non-issue. So is taking to love some creep who’ll batter her silly or rape her or both and then leave her in the back of a dumpster to be discovered by the trash man the next morning.

Finally, remind your husband that he had a life path and decision to make long ago. He made it and now he’s stuck with it. A real man steps up to the plate. Your daughter’s just starting her journey and apparently needs no help skipping with Toto along the yellow brick road.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic




Dear Crabby:

My girlfriend’s cheating on me with some guy she barely knows. I know because she told me about him after she met him at a club one night. Now, he’s calling our house and her pager and sending her emails all the time and it’s really starting to piss me off. I told my girlfriend she better not contact this guy anymore but she says she can’t just hang up or stop replying to his emails because it would be rude. I don’t care if it’s rude. How do I get her to stop?

Frank in Melbourne



Dear Heavy on the Urine:

I concur...

I don’t care if it’s rude either.

Neither does your girlfriend!

She’s just using that as an excuse so she can keep her young buck in the saddle in case you decide to bolt for the door. While we’re on the subject – why haven’t you told your girlfriend it’s time she found another place to live? How fat, bald and pathetic are you?

What can I say?

Silly lover, tarts aren’t just for dessert anymore.

Besides, it sounds to me like your trollop is enjoying all the attention she’s getting from the cheap seats. She met some stud at a club and thought nothing of tearing off her clothes at the first ‘come hither’ sign of his advances.

Given the situation, perhaps she even came on to him first. So before you go around blaming the other man in this equation for your girlfriend’s infidelities consider that he might not even know you exist. He might think he’s the only man in her life!

After all, I seriously doubt your live-in walked up to him and said something like “I’m with another man right now and I suppose I love him but he’s out for the evening so let me service you for the night. We could have some rough fun because I’m just that sort of ditch pig…so how about it, sweetie? Wanna rock?”

Gee, now how sexy is that?

I don’t understand men or women who stay in relationships after their partner comes to them with a confession of infidelity. I suppose you’re thinking to yourself ‘Well, at least she was honest enough to confide in me about what she did. I should respect that, right?’

WRONG!

Your girlfriend made a gross error in judgment. Her guilt – and her nerves – probably wore her down and she decided to let you in on her secret before you found out from somebody else. That doesn’t make her honest and it certainly doesn’t excuse her misguided bad behavior.

She doesn’t love you more because she told you what happened. She loves you even less, because now her minor trifle has become your major headache. You’re the one who’s consumed with jealousy over the emails, telephoning and paging her. Your girlfriend?…she just thinks it would be ‘impolite’ to refuse this guy’s advances.

Let me ask you this, Frank – how ‘impolite’ was it for her to go slumming with another while you were off working to pay the rent?

In my opinion, this person who currently shares your bed is not worthy of also sharing your life. She’s clearly discounted your relationship and doesn’t much care if you know that she’ll keep replying to the other guy’s messages.

In her mind – you and she are already a thing of the past. The only reason she’s still taking up space in your living room is because Don Juan hasn’t made a similar offer to her at his abode.

He didn’t want her to stay. He just used her for sex and now he’s calling to use her some more. Apparently, your girlfriend’s not only discounted the life you shared together, she’s also made herself a ‘pick n’ save’ for any horny son of a bartender who’s willing.

Your girlfriend finds that sort of perseverance pretty sexy. You should find it appalling!

Get rid of her now – today – this minute and don’t, under any circumstances, look back!

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

@The Crabby Critic 2008 (all rights reserved).