Wednesday, February 15, 2006


...just not for this gal!

Dear Crabby:

I am so depressed. Today is Valentine's Day and my boyfriend did nothing for me. I sent him some saucy texts the other day that included pictures of myself in various poses and he texted back "next time warn me when you're going to do something like that so I can open them up at home".

Hello! He was supposed to be home when I sent them. Where in the hell was he anyway? And then he sent me an email today saying "Don't break too many hearts." His is the only heart I'm interested in.

Should I dump him?
Do you think he's giving me the cold shoulder?
We slept together twice. Do you think he didn't like it?

Troubled in San Fran

Dear Troubled:

I have no way of knowing if your boyfriend didn’t ‘like it.’ Men and sex is a tricky-sticky mess for women to wrap their minds around – though it doesn’t sound to me as though you had difficulty wrapping the rest of you around him!

There’s an old saying about buying milk when the cow is free.

Sleeping with someone twice and then texting him some nudies screams your desperation. I suppose you could ramp up your neediness by asking your boyfriend if you’re a decent lay.

That’s tacky, but you’ve already proven that tact isn’t exactly your forte.

What do you mean he should have been home when your message arrived? Suppose he was at his mothers’ or grocery shopping or in a meeting at work when suddenly there you were splayed like a contortionist on crack for all to see.


Your boyfriend has a life outside of his badinage with you. Actually, I don’t think you should be calling this guy your boyfriend just yet – especially since he’s told you not to “break too many hearts.” Clearly, he thinks you’re eight by tens are not reserved exclusively ‘for his eyes only.’

Here’s the deal with a lot of guys and sex:
they don’t equate sex with romance.

Just because a guy is ‘into you’ doesn’t mean that he’s ‘into you’ – if you get my meaning.

Most women tend to attach hearts, flowers and the white picket fence to any act of affection that comes their way. Unfortunately, all the guys in question actually want is what they already got – fifteen minutes of heavy sweating.

That’s why my advice to any woman contemplating getting her Calvin’s in a ball after just one or two dates is always the same:


Now, before you decide that I’m a prude, monk, moralist or zealot, preaching eternal virginity and a return to the chastity belt – let’s get one thing real clear: sex is the most intimate bodily function two people can share. That’s why it’s so depressing to me when I hear of people like you throwing it out there as though it were as common and unattached a practice as picking out what flavor of herbal tea to sip at the bulk barn.

This guy you slept with doesn’t see you as his girlfriend.

He doesn’t want you for anything more than a quick stop off now and then.

He’s embarrassed by your clingy attachment and the pictures you sent.

At this point in his thought process, he’s probably figuring out eleven different ways of kicking you to the curb and moving on to some other assembly line hump that won’t be asking for more mileage from his stick shift.

Should you get another boyfriend?!?!?…that’s a moot point: you never had this one to begin with.

If I were you, I’d definitely look for someone else – someone who will respect you enough to stick around after the condom comes off.

The best way to ensure and secure a soul mate is to focus on another person’s soul first…considering the length and girth of other appendages as an afterthought. So far you’ve been on the prowl for some guy who can rock your world. How about looking for the man that will build a world around for you two to share instead?

Yours truly,
The crabby Critic

Crabby Critic:

I am in love with a married woman whose husband abuses her. She has left him three times only to return. I want to take care of her, even marry her, and raise her children as my own, but she won't let me. Any advice?

Marc in Manhattan

Dear Marc:

Yeah…find a woman who actually wants you to take care of her.

Evidently the “abuse” this woman has sustained in the past isn’t enough to make her want to leave the lumbering oaf who’s giving her a light smack now and then. I’ve known quite a few women who bandy the term “abuse” as flippantly as the words “nice” and “love.” Honestly, how can anyone love a person as much as they do an ice cream cone or the color red?

More than likely this woman was lonely and horny not necessarily in that order – when you first met and she decided to feed you some obtuse line about how terrible her husband/boyfriend is.

Evidently, the sob story aroused your honorable intentions because you wanted to eat your spinach, break down the door and feed Brutus to the wolves. But this babe is not Olive Oil.

The fact that she continues to return to the scene of the crime should provide you with a glimpse into her psyche. She’s not for you.

But listen up, Popeye – because the rest of this reply is strictly for you.

Why do you think a married abused woman is the best that you can do for yourself. True – we can’t always pick who we love. But ‘married in general’ should ALWAYS be off limits to anyone with a shred of self-preservation, respect and the dignity to do the right thing…in this case, by walking away.

You seem semi-on-the-right-track, sailor. How about finding a good woman (a single one) who really wants to be looked after? That’s more your fit.

The next time this babe comes crawling back with another “I’m so unhappy my pantyhose itch” story, you can forward her the email, telephone numbers and addresses of half way houses and/or women’s shelters in her neighborhood.

Arguably, your heart was always in the right place. Stop playing the fool.

Yours truly,
The crabby critic


Do you think long distance relationships can work?

Signed Laurel, in Washington

Dear Laurel:

That depends. I’ve known friends who’ve romanced their grand amour from a continent away. I’ve even known ‘couples’ who continue to live with a province or several states between them – because of their respective jobs. But I don’t know…I suppose I’m old fashion.

If I’m going to put the ring on someone’s finger, at the end of each day I want that person to greet me with open arms instead of a postcard.

It’s called sacrifice and one or both of the people involved in the relationship have to make the decision to give in and move where the other is.

Aside from the fact that this other person could profess total fidelity to you over the phone or in a letter while effectively banging the Playboy triplets without you ever finding out about it, my more immediate concern here is that the long distance relationship will never develop beyond its infancy.

Think about it: you and I are corresponding to one another right now. In another time and under another pretext we could continue this détente for decades, telling one another how great we are, how much we love each other and how much we want to spend the rest of our lives together…if only…

That “if only” will not only keep you and your long distance Don Juan apart – it will keep you lonely. It’s hard enough to keep tabs on somebody who comes home after hours. But a city, state or continent away…who knows?!?

If I were you I’d do the following: if you’ve only met this person through far off correspondence, then make for a time and a place for either him to come to you, or you to go to him. Meet, discuss things – but please, DON’T SLEEP WITH ONE ANOTHER! That’s tacky.

See what the job prospects are like in both places where you live. Make sure he visits you at least once in your home town and you visit him in his at least once too. If the relationship blossoms and you decide you’d like to be with this person (and vice versa) – the decision will have to be made – does he quit his job and move to you, or do you quit your job and move for him.

Provided we’re not talking about trucking your tooty all the way to Singapore – even if you have extended family that you’re close to where you live right now – then travel for holidays, birthdays and special weekends is not entirely out of the question.

Bottom line: neither river, mountain nor a postage stamp should stand in your way from making the connection that could last a life time. Proceed with caution but by all means, proceed!

Yours truly,
The crabby critic

Dear Quotable Me:

Is it okay for a girl to let a guy know she likes him? How do I go about it he doesn't even know I'm alive.


Dear Alicia

My question is “where have you been keeping yourself?” He doesn’t know you’re alive? Boy, that’s some secret you have.

Well, let’s see…jumping out of a cake, wearing only pasties and screaming, “Hey big boy, plant me!” isn’t exactly an auspicious start.

By my estimate there are only 4 ways to make your presence known and make a statement at the same time. So here are the three approaches to getting noticed. Only you can decide which one is right for you.

1) Find out what your cutie pie likes to do. Then put yourself in a target rich environment where he’s likely to notice you. For example: if he’s living at the local sports bar and simply worships the Detroit Tigers then you might want to show up one day at his favorite hangout wearing a Tigers jersey. You’ll win points on two fronts – first, he’ll notice you. Second – he’ll presume an interest on your part in the same things he likes.

But here’s a warning – if you have absolutely ZERO interest in the Tigers or whatever other interest he’s got, DO NOT attempt to FAKE your way into his heart. You’ll just wind up breaking it and yours and making yourself miserable.

2) If you know some of the friends he hangs out with you might want to start hanging out with them too in the hopes that he’ll show up and thereby gain an intro through a friend of a friend.

I wouldn’t go around telling his friends that you think he’s hot, cute, sexy or any other superlative you may want to attach herein. Remember, those friends are more loyal to him than you.

At the very least they’ll gossip amongst themselves, making you the brunt of their jokes. At the worst, they’ll inflate, exaggerate or lie about your intentions and whisper the whole mess to him first with something like “See that dopey little nothing over there. Man, she’s fantasizing about you in your underwear right now. She says she wants to have your child. No kidding.”

How sexy, cute or hot do you think he’ll think you are for telling someone else about your feelings first?!? If you don’t know anybody this guy knows but do know where he’s most likely to wind up next, you might want to show up there too.

3) Work from a deficiency. Let’s say Joe Studly is a rough and tumble jock type who really brings home the points in touchdowns and home runs but is a flunky at math and science. If those happen to be your forte then you could offer yourself up as a tutor. Warning: this scenario takes a lot of guts.

You have to be professional and sincere enough so that he’ll know you’re really trying to help him pass algebra or biology, while still presenting enough of an urge in the passion department so that he doesn’t look upon you as only a bookworm or ‘sister.’ If this is an office scenario: meaning you two work together and you want to get to know him better – maybe you could work on a project for the company together by offering your formidable services as an executive assistant.

4) Straight and direct is how I always play the field – only because I’m not exactly into head games or conspiracy theories on romance. Personally, I think most guys find a woman playing games or needless flirting and skirting the real issue (hey, I like you…do you like me) a rather tedious, silly, annoying and damn idiotic exercise. If you want to be direct, the next time Joe Studly walks into a room you need to brush off your shyness and march right up to him and say, “Hi. I’m Alicia. We’re in so-and-so’s class…or some such thing. I just wanted to meet you, say hello and maybe we’ll see each other around.”

Then leave it alone!

I mean, don’t leave – at least not if there appears to be a reciprocated interest to your response, but don’t go on about what a sweetheart you think he is, or how your toes ignite every time he’s near.

At best he’ll think you’ve got athlete’s foot and at worst he’ll have a tape of Fatal Attraction playing in the back of his head.

If this guy seems receptive to your modestly appointed overture and says he’d like to know more about you then let nature take its course. But if he laughs you off or says, “Get lost, baby” my advice to you is that you do just that. He’s decidedly not for you.

Finally, my motto in all things has always been, “Brace for the worst. Hope for the best.”

There’s only a certain amount of charm you can endow on this romance from afar without killing the passion totally by appearing overly anxious, desperate or just plain crazy. Don’t embarrass yourself no matter the outcome. Your reputation in general is at stake.

Even if the guy doesn’t show an interest in you right away after trying one of these methods, you’re sudden aloofness could spark the right flame in his heart thereafter. But it could also play no deciding factor whatsoever. Bottom line: You are worth more. Someday, somewhere some guy will figure that out and the two of you will make beautiful music together. It doesn’t behoove you at this early stage to allow for being easily plucked like a harp!

Yours truly
The crabby critic

Dear Crabby:

Do you think there's anything wrong with having a f*** buddy?

Sincerely, Erin

Dear Erin:

How sincere could you possibly be if all you’re interested in is a f _ _ k buddy?

And how little do you value your own body if you’re willing to use it merely as a repository for someone else’s sperm? Any guy who would want you just for that – in my opinion, at least – is not worth having, even at this superficial level.

Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that you’re just as cold heartless and equally as superficial and think “oh, he’s not using me…I’m using him.” That doesn’t exactly place you any higher on the scale of women out to better their lives and still have a good time.

You want to be somebody’s sex plaything because you think it gives you a kick or an upper hand in the grand scheme of love and romance – like “hey ladies, look at me. I could have any one of your husbands, boyfriends, brothers, fathers, etc…” that doesn’t make you special or even popular…it just makes you an easy mark, at best, or a whore for hire.

My advice, if all you’re interested in is sex; become a prostitute. At least that way you’ll make a little cash on the side. But before you run off to join Hefner’s House of Happy Hookers, I want to impart a story that I think will have its benefits in your decision making process.

Death, Love and Reputation are walking along the road one sunny afternoon when Death suddenly pauses. He says to his friends, “Friends, I must leave you. I’m bored and I want to return to my vocation. So, if ever you need me, look for me on great battlefields or in hospitals where very sick people reside. For you shall find me there.”

Love turns to the group and says, “Yes, I too have grown weary of this trio. So I must leave you. If you wish to find me, look in bowers under cherry blossoms or along the banks of the river where great lovers roam, or in the arms of couple’s locked in passionate embrace, for that is where you will find me.”

Reputation decides to interrupt. “Friends,” says he, “It is with great regret that I part from your company. For once you leave I am lost to you both for all time.”

Here’s to Reputation, Erin.

Want yours?

– stay away from the idea of a “f _ _ k buddy.

Yours truly,
The crabby criticby critic


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Crabby
Do you think there's anything wrong with having a f*** buddy?
Sincerely, Erin

February 15, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Quotable Me, Is it okay for a girl to let a guy know she likes him? How do I go about it he doesn't even know I'm alive. Alicia

February 15, 2006  
Anonymous Laurel in Washington said...

Crabby, do you think long distance relationships can work? Signed Laurel.

February 15, 2006  
Anonymous Marc in Manhattan said...

Crabby Critic:

I am in love with a married woman whose husband abuses her. She has left him three times only to return. I want to take care of her, even marry her, and raise her children as my own, but she won't let me. Any advice?

February 15, 2006  
Anonymous Marie said...

My boyfriend of 3 years has been cheating on me.

I got an email from the girl asking about him and I - what our relationship was, etc. Apparently, they started seeing each other four months into my and his relationship. She didn't know, I didn't know [obviously]. And to make it worse, he cheated on HER last year, which means he's cheated on both of us atleast twice... if not more. And its like, what if he got me sick? Like we always practice safesex and whatnot, but still?

And like just a few days ago he told me he loved me! And he'd always tell me I was the only one when I'd ask and of course, now, it seems SO obvious, ya know? Gaaaaaah.

And yeah, I haven't confronted him yet because I havent seen him and I want to do it face to face. But I seriously just can't stop crying, my work sent me home before I even started and yeah. I just can't believe it, my friend is coming over in like an hour and a half to like.. be with me.

How should I confront him?


February 16, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Okay, so there is this hot guy at my gym, and I think he's shy(like me). Out of all the treadmills, he chose the one next to mine, and I'm always sneaking glances at him.

So how should I approach him? A smile maybe?

February 16, 2006  

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