Friday, February 17, 2006



Dear Crabby:

What is it with men’s fascination over breasts?

Carol in Nantucket

Dear Carol:

Chiefly that we don’t have them – at least most of us (until we reach middle age) – so the act of ogling, touching, caressing and fondling them is a novelty.

Let me see if I can lead by example here, by way of a true story: At the end of my last year of undergraduate work in university, I invited a group of eleven individuals (men and women) to my home to cram for a final in English lit. After several hours of hardcore revival on the likes of Chaucer, Shakespeare and Tennyson, we paused in our studies and ordered pizzas.

The conversation understandably drifted to other things. At one point – a very polite and unassuming young lady (whom I never would have guessed from as much) declared to the group that if life and genetics had dealt with her differently she would have desired the male apparatus for herself. Naturally, this statement quietly killed whatever semi-private and unrelated banter was taking place in my family room.

When asked by another girl if this girl meant that she merely wanted a man’s attachment to, oh…shall we say…pleasure herself…this girl who had made the statement emphatically replied “No, I just want a d_ _k,” to which a portly gentleman seated by my fireplace, and quite noncommittal in the conversation until then, simply stated, “Well, I prefer my tits a la carte, sweetheart. But they don’t come that way.”

Translation: you ladies have penis envy. Leave us guys with our daydreams buried deep in your cleavage. After all, better yours than your girlfriends.

Yours truly,
The crabby critic

Dear Crabby:

My boyfriend says I should seriously consider a boob job after we’re married. He says they’re safe now and it would really help get him in the mood for…you know. What do you suggest?

Melina in La Paz

Dear Melina:

Clearly, Mr. Man is getting off right well now without the added attraction of having you look like some top-heavy circus freak just for his amusement. If he can’t get excited with what you have locked and loaded, then he needs to drag his foot long to the next booby bimbette with cantaloupes touching her knees.

Aside from the fact that big breasts are uncomfortable, they’re awkward to find properly fitted clothes and they eventually lead to back problems.

All in all – you’re not doing so bad by taking what the Good Lord gave you with a wink and a smile. If it’s not exactly big and busty, so be it. But you’re boyfriend is emphatically wrong. This procedure is FAR FROM SAFE and comes with a litany of side effects.

Finally, tell your boyfriend that he’s really sweet for considering what would make him happy in this relationship. You just wish he had given as much thoughtfulness to your happiness first. Tell him that you’d prefer his Mr. Happy come in nine inches and with a sack of walnuts. Then hand him a brochure and demo porn to illustrate what nine really looks like.

Yours truly
The crabby critic

Dear Crabby:

Does size matter?

Joe from Lincoln

Dear Joe:

Yes. But even if you haven’t got a fire hose in your trousers you can still flaunt your prowess with a sizable ego to compensate. Remember that aside from those rather freakish male stars of the adult entertainment industry (who, I must admit, are enough to make any novice think twice about substituting a zucchini during foreplay), most guys don’t drive with their Johnson riding shotgun.

If you’re average, then you’re average. I wouldn’t be contemplating penis implants, extensions, spurious pills and/or creams or any other remedy to correct your normalcy.

Remember, average is normal.
Accept that.

Most women you meet (again, unless they’re topless bunnies or porn stars themselves) will actually be satisfied with what you have to offer. And anyway, if I recall correctly, the vagina isn’t exactly a bottomless pit. I mean it ends somewhere and much sooner than you probably think. If you’re feeling insecure try improving your technique with some healthy how-to books from your local Barnes & Noble and maybe some instructional videos. Technique goes a long way – much longer than…you know.

Don’t obsess over stumpy, Joe!
There’s a whole world past the tip of your manhood. It’s time you gave it more consideration.

Yours truly
The crabby critic

Dear C.C.

What do you do if the man you’re with insists that you have plastic surgery?

Latasha in Birmingham

Dear Latasha:

Get another man. Or tell him you’ve never much cared for the way his left nostril pulls to one side. Then recommend hair plugs, lypo for his love handles and some serious reconstructive surgery to make both his butt cheeks hang more symmetrically. After that, if your guy doesn’t flat out apologize for making you feel like you’re not worth the sum of your body parts – I say what I said before: get another man.

Yours truly,
The crabby critic

Dear Crabby:

My girlfriend is constantly comparing me to her ex after we’ve made love. She says I’m okay, but then she puts in jabs about how much better he used to be. What should I do?

Brad in Lima

Dear Brad:

Tell your girlfriend you hope she hasn’t throw out her ex’s telephone number yet because from now on he’s going to be the one servicing her.

It never ceases to amaze me how many mates (men and women) do this sort of comparative study on their current spouses – rating them as good, better or less than their former lovers. If that’s the case – these chicks are more than welcome to return to them as far as I’m concerned.

Sex is way too overrated in its importance to our daily lives. Most couples don’t do it nearly as much as they’d like to and when they do their expectations and the reality of the act are a chasm of deep regrets worthy of the Grand Canyon Award.

The worst thing you could do is to try and be more like your girlfriend’s ex in the sack. Trust me – as far as your girlfriend’s concerned, you’ll never measure up. But consider this, your girlfriend did leave this other guy for you or somebody else in between…or isn’t she the kind that kisses and tells?!?

Bottom line: she’s being cruel by sharing her thoughts on him with you. What does she think that does for YOUR EGO? Or maybe she gets off by humiliating men. There is that sort of female animal out there, you know. Maybe you’ve managed to fall into her cage. But you don’t have to keep licking those wounds, Brad. Sometimes it’s better to let such hell cats freeze.

Yours truly
The crabby critic

Dear Crabby:

I found a stack of men’s fitness magazines under the mattress the other day. When I confronted my wife she said that muscles really get her hot and that she’s been using them as sort of a warm up before we get into bed without me knowing about it. I’m not into bodybuilding. In fact, I’m not very athletic. But I feel cheated. I don’t know whether my wife’s thinking of me or some centerfold while we’re doing it. What should I do?

Davis in Newton Ohio

Dear Davis:

Get buff – fast. It’s a fair assumption that your wife isn’t with you when she’s with you – if you get my meaning. She’s off in some euphoric daydream with a guy who’s so tight that you could bounce footballs off his pecs.

And anyway, a healthier lifestyle won’t kill you. It’ll actually improve most of the facets of your daily life. You’ll be more flexible, have less aches, be able to lift and carry a lot, and have a more positive mental attitude in general, thanks to all those neuron and protons firing at maximum capacity after a healthy workout.

You don’t have to become the stereotypical ‘muscle-head’ but why not get into tiptop physical shape for yourself as well as your mate?

Trust me – the closer you come to her ideal the faster those magazines will hit the shredder. Then you can come home with the satisfaction that the only fantasy guy in your wife’s mind’s eye is you.

Suck it up, Hercules and hit the gym.

Yours truly
The crabby critic

Dear Crabby:

Yesterday I discovered a lump in my breast while taking a shower. I’m afraid it might be cancer. It’s not a very big lump. Actually, it might just be something unimportant. But my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer only a short while ago and died last year from it. I’m afraid – really afraid. What should I do?

Cecilia in Clark’s Harbour

Dear Cecilia:

First – I want to preface my response by saying that I AM NOT A MEDICAL PHYSICIAN, so any advice you glean from this response should NOT be TAKEN as an accurate diagnosis of your condition.

It seems to me that any lump – regardless of how small you may think it is – should be dealt with RIGHT AWAY. There’s no economy in waiting. Most medically trained physicians will tell you that the best way of deducing the size and texture of the lump is by lathering up with soap and water and tracing the contours slowly. Take special note if the lump is hard or soft – if it’s round or oddly shaped. Then RUN – don’t walk – to the nearest specialist to get it looked after.

Just because your sister died of cancer doesn’t mean you will too. The sooner you make an appointment for a biopsy and look after this matter the sooner you’ll know if your lump is malignant or merely a fatty tumor. But you need to know – one way or the other. If I were you, I wouldn’t tell my extended family about your discovery just yet – especially your mother, who will undoubtedly assume the worst and have a mini-breakdown from there.

If you’re a married lady, tell your husband, but make it clear that you don’t want anyone but him to know until the results are official. Again – DON’T WAIT. Not even to the end of this reply. Pick up the phone and CALL your DOCTOR NOW!!! Nothing else you do over the course of the next twenty-four hours will be as vitally important to the rest of your life.

Yours truly,
The crabby critic


Okay, so there is this hot guy at my gym, and I think he's shy (like me). Out of all the treadmills, he chose the one next to mine, and I'm always sneaking glances at him. So how should I approach him? A smile maybe?


Dear Anonymous:

It might be saying something that he’s always picking the same tread next to yours to exercise on. Then again, it might not. I once sat next to a girl in three of my classes during my first year in university without ever noticing that it was, in fact, the same girl. She finally asked me out on a date…at which point I had to confess that I didn’t find her particularly attractive and then relocate my obtuse tooty to another seat in the room.

A lot of the time, as guys, we’re just not that intuitive or in tune with what’s going on around us – particularly if we’re focused on something else intensely like exercise.

However, if this guy is repeating the pattern of following you around the dumbbells, then you might want to make for some polite chitchat the next time he mounts in stride. If he’s receptive and, in fact, been deliberate in his positioning, then things could work out…or he could relocate himself to another piece of equipment at the other end of the gym. Either way, you should make your intentions known. At the very least, getting rejected is better than guessing about where you stand. Right now you’re running in place. Wouldn’t it be better to get on with the chase?

Yours truly,
The crabby critic


My boyfriend of 3 years has been cheating on me.I got an email from the girl asking about him and I - what our relationship was, etc. Apparently, they started seeing each other four months into my and his relationship. She didn't know. I didn't know [obviously]. And to make it worse, he cheated on HER last year, which means he's cheated on both of us at least twice... if not more.

And it’s like, what if he got me sick? Like we always practice safe sex and whatnot, but still? And like just a few days ago he told me he loved me! And he'd always tell me I was the only one when I'd ask and of course, now, it seems SO obvious, ya know? Gaaaaaah.

And yeah, I haven't confronted him yet because I haven’t seen him and I want to do it face to face. But I seriously just can't stop crying, my work sent me home before I even started and yeah. I just can't believe it, my friend is coming over in like an hour and a half to like…be with me. How should I confront him?Marie

Dear Marie:

Some guys will say anything to get in your pants. This one certainly did and, unfortunately, it worked.

Should you dump him?

Like the plague.

He’s not in love with either of you.
He’s not the kind that loves.
He’s the kind that screws and screws a lot, and then, screws some more.

In fact, this bozo would be perfect for a previous writer who was strictly interested in a f _ _k buddy. That’s all your fella really is. That’s all he’s after. You put out. She puts out. He puts in and gets what he wants out of each relationship – sex.

Like, what if he got you sick? Good point. He very well could, if he already hasn’t. Some of the more freaky diseases don’t show up right away, you know.

The problem that I have with women like you, Marie, is that you keep coming back for more. Why? I used to think that women like you were just idiotic and/or desperate. But I’ve reassessed that claim, particularly since I found out that a personal friend is involved in fairly the same sort of ‘affair.’ This girl too is not retarded or needy. So what gives?

I think you think you’ll never find somebody else.

I think you’ve been humiliated and hurt and you’re embarrassed to admit both emotions and claim responsibility for playing the part of the fool. You think everyone will think less of you because you fell for a good line.

But guess what? If you continue to forgive Bobby Boner for his indiscretions you won’t just be playing the fool – you’ll be one.

This guy isn’t a man – he’s a pig.

Since you and this other girl have found out about one another, why don’t you both arrange to meet for dinner or something; pick apart your boyfriend’s M.O. and then confront this Happy Horn-dog on a united front? I can guarantee he won’t be expecting that much from either of you.

The Jolly Pecker needs to be taught a lesson. It’s doubtful he’ll learn it completely even after you two tell him to find someplace else to plant his seed. But tell him you must and thereafter stick to that decision.

Remember, I didn’t say you were a fool. You’ve been playing the part only because you never had all the facts before. Now you do. And look at it this way. The other girl’s been just as foolish and misguided as you. So, you two ought to become the best of friends.

After you’ve both ditched this pig in another trough why don’t you go nightclubbing together for Mr. Right – two of them. Then you’ll not only have new men in your lives but each other to rely on when the going gets tough.

This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship. But Player needs to disappear from the equation first.

Yours truly,
The crabby critic

Dear Crabby,

Why do you men think women want longer d**ks? Honey, it ain't length that matters; it's the girth. It's not my cervix that needs stimulatin'!


Dear Ferocious Feline:

The debate continues to rage between women who prefer length to girth and vice versa. For the former connoisseur, any old pipe cleaner will do. For the latter, only the most expanding of flapjacks will likely suffice. I have never reported to speak for anyone's tastes, but rather have commented on those put forth by people commentating on this site. So permit me to enlighten you on a few details.

As a man, and personally, I have never given much thought or care whether or not what I have to offer is exactly what any woman would ideally wish for. In point of fact, it’s all I have. Take it or leave it.

There are only two things this boy knows for sure – what he wants, and what he’s willing to settle for. On that radar, your cervix isn’t even a blip!

Yours truly,
The crabby critic


Post a Comment

<< Home