Friday, February 10, 2006

LOVER COME BACK...


...just NOT to me...

and more questions get answered by
the crabby critic


Dear Crabby:

My mother’s sleeping with my boyfriend. Do you think I should tell his mother?

Carrie in Rochester


Dear Carrie:

I suppose you could – except that then you too will be considered just as spiteful, jealous and low brow as your despicable mama. Not that you are…only that’s how you will be perceived. Your boyfriend will hate you for it…and, given what I know about your ‘mother’ – so will she.

And what then? You've exposed the two for what they are. You've killed their lust, embarrassed the jerk. Trouble is, you're still playing the part of the fool.

Do you honestly think the damage inflicted will kill 'mum's sexual appetite for the next wayward guy you bring home?!?

The best you can hope for in this situation is a clean break…and no more social introductions between your new boyfriends and Mommie Dearest.

Personally, I’ve always held to the opinion that most people who are parents don’t deserve to be. Some have kids because they think it will help save a crumbling marriage. (Aside: to those contemplating pregnancy to stave off divorce – it DOESN’T WORK!!!)

Others want children because they think it’s their second chance to improve on the mistakes they made in their own lives (you know, the typical control freak parent who tells the child when to sit, stand, fetch and carry the evening paper like a golden retriever, etc).

But most parents just spit out a couple of new links in their gene pool to satisfy their egos. It’s like they’re saying, “Look. I made this. It’s mine. And it’s just too too adorable.”

That is until it turns sixteen and tells them where to get off.

In case you’re wondering, you haven’t been blessed with a parent – but some randy ol’ gal who still thinks she’s twenty-one, and able to conquer the meat market with a wink and a nudge. That would be disgusting enough if your mother were running around town with a bunch of jerks that had her nailed as an easy target. But to steal from her daughter – a guy young enough to be her son – is repulsive to the point of spitefully mean spirited and evil.

Bottom line: the guy’s not worth having because he’s suffering from the Don Juan Complex. He’s a hormonally-driven numb nut who’s decided that his little mother/daughter escapade will fit in nicely into some hidden fancy he’s been cultivating as the studly man about town. What did you expect from the pig but a grunt?!?

If and when your boyfriend comes crawling back to you for forgiveness or advice or just a little more fun on the side with someone whose nipples are rubbing against her knees – or, if he decides to apologize and promises to never ever consider your mother as his part-time play thing again – my advice to you – however painful it may be - is to either suggest a good lubricant for his hand or simply hand him the phone book, open to the escorts section and say, “Here. You might as well get paid for it.”

Remember Carrie: there are only two kinds of lovers in this world; those that will make love to you as an equal and those that will screw you in such a way so as only they get any pleasurable satisfaction from the experience.

He’s made his bed…and you and I both know who’s lying in it.

Yours truly,
The crabby critic


Dear Crabby:

What’s a normal sexual appetite? I ask because my husband, Fred seems to want it all the time. He even comes home at lunch time for a quick one. My sister says that’s abnormal and that Fred should go to some sort of addict’s counseling. Should I suggest couples therapy to my husband?

Tina in South Africa


Dear Tina:

Maybe it’s the heat.

Depending how long the two of you have been married – Fred sounds like just a man with a healthy appetite who’s really into his wife – both figuratively and literally.

But now I have a question for you: what business is it of your sister to meddle in your relationship and why…oh, why…did you feel it necessary to share your intimacies with your extended family?!?!?!

If you were to go over to Fred’s family’s for dinner tonight and his father and brother came over in between the main course and dessert to say something like, “So, Fred tells us you really know how to put out…” you’d be shocked and appalled; at least, I hope you would.

You’d think that Fred had betrayed one of the most sacred trusts in your relationship and you’d feel as though he could no longer be trusted with your most intimate feelings and thoughts. You’d also feel like the next time the two of you crawled into bed that his father and brother were seated just off to the side of the nightstand, like a pair of Olympic judges getting set to grade you on the curve.

“I give her a 3.6, but I really liked the dismount.”

Bottom line: you’ve betrayed Fred’s trust by telling sis’ about his long and distinguished Johnson. How dare you?!?

With regards to your sister – personally, I think she’s just sexually frustrated and/or jealous. The next time she starts to probe for details it would behoove you to tell her to step off and get a life of her own…or a gold membership to one of those ‘naughty’ stores.

Are you satisfied with Fred?

If the answer’s ‘yes’ then that’s what’s normal for the two of you. If you would like to tone down the frequency of your playtime together I suppose you could suggest as much to Fred the next time he’s getting ready to unzip. But you might run the risk of having him think that you’re no longer physically attracted to him.

If it’s a physical issue – meaning that your frequency or tenacity in love making is causing you real physical pain, I’m sure Fred will understand and space out his lusty attempts to satisfy. But if there is NO reason at all – other than your sister telling you that Fred’s not normal – my advice that you tell your sister to ‘go to hell’ and the next time Fred walks through that door, happy to see you – the two of you bounce like quarters around the money jar until one of you becomes pregnant.

Trust me on this one – nothing throws a wet towel over Mr. Floppy more than having a child. Tell me, does your sister happen to know anything about that?!?

Yours truly,
The crabby critic

Dear Crabby:

I don’t like sex. I’m not a lesbian or anything, but I’m just not into having sex the same way my friends are. I don’t enjoy it and I don’t really want to have any with the boy I started seeing lately. Am I a freak?

Josie in Palermo


Dear Josie:

Sounds to me like you’ve made up your mind and there’s little I can say to change it. I’m not sure what ‘not being a lesbian’ has to do with anything. They like sex just as much, albeit with other girls. If you’ve never enjoyed sex maybe that’s something that a good therapist can help you overcome or at the very least discuss.

That’s not to say that you’re crazy or frigid or any other weird moniker anyone might want to slap on you. I do think it would be unfair to your boyfriend, however, if you led him on for a couple of months with the promise that he was going to ‘get some’ when your intension from the word ‘go’ is actually ‘stop.’

If you’re lack of interest stems from some traumatic experience (and this I have no way of knowing) then you may want to share that experience with your boyfriend (depending on how well you know him) so that he will have a firm grasp on where your anxieties are coming from. If he’s the right sort of man, he’ll want to see this through and help you overcome your apprehension.

Depending on how young you are you may just not be ready to dive into an intimate relationship with anyone. That’s not to say that you’re not ‘mature’ enough. But things come suitable to the time and maybe…just maybe…it’s still not your time.

However, I wouldn’t contemplate entering the sisterhood just yet, if I were you.

You might be stuck at the Coliseum, but trust me…the games are just beginning.

Yours truly
The Crabby Critic





Dear Crabby Critic:

My wife has some weird ideas she recently shared with me after we finished making love. We’ve been married for nine years. I thought we were all right, but her secrets really floored me. I pretended like everything was okay, but now I’m terrified to initiate anything in the bedroom.

David in B.C.



Dear Dave:

Define Weird. Not because I care or want to publish it in print on this site – but just because ‘weird’ is a word of broad interpretation. Some people might consider making love by candlelight in a hot tub while listening to Liberace records ‘weird.’ (Aside: In point of fact the aforementioned scenario wouldn’t do anything for me, either.)

Now, you strike me that you’re a man of the world Dave. More importantly, you’ve been making love to the same gal for nine long ones – probably without too much variation. Perhaps your wife was merely suggesting that something more was needed to spice up the romance. But if she shocked the hell out of you after nine years – I think we’re getting into a gray area of acceptability in what most people would consider normal sexual practices.

Here’s my top five guide for ‘weird no-no’s in the bedroom’.

1) No farm animals…or any animals – family pets included. I just couldn’t look at Fluffy twice in the same way afterward. But it does give a whole new meaning to the phrase, “give the dog a bone.”

2) No third party participation - period. If you have to bring in another person – either to watch or take part in whatever’s transpiring, it’s time to divorce the person you’re with and become a roving bachelor once more.

3) No toys. Now, I know a lot of people swear by the vibrator and/or other interesting ‘implements’ to augment their experiences, but if you need a power tool to get off maybe its time to invest in a jack hammer.

4) No switching sexes. If your wife wants you to be with another guy or she wants to be with another woman that’s a red flag that the person you married is way more twisted than either of you knew. Tell her the only kink you enjoy is the one in her hair and get ready for the fallout. If at first you don’t succeed, consult a better attorney.

5) No switching roles during the act. The latest craze in sick heterosexual relationships seems to be that the woman assumes the role of the male with the aid of a strap on. Can you say ‘penis envy’? I know you can.

6) No bondage. In my opinion, pain and sex don’t belong in the same sentence. They certainly don’t belong in the same bedroom. If your wife’s contemplating whips, chains, asphyxiation, etc. I’m with you. NO, NO, NO!

7) No degrading acts. This includes the ever popular ‘golden shower’ or ‘peeing on one another’ that somehow gets the green light from a lot of so called sex experts who think if two people are in mutual consent on the matter then it really doesn’t matter so long as you both clean up afterwards. But by my thinking this is just VIAL behavior and it says a lot about your spouse’s level of integrity and respect for you – or lack thereof.

8) No act that both partners do not first agree upon before the clothes come off. I once had a friend who rather sheepishly confessed to me that during his lovemaking with his girlfriend she took to the inclination of placing her index finger in a spot that he was not psychologically geared up for – if you get what I mean. If you and your wife are going to try ‘new’ things in the bedroom these need to be planned as meticulously as taking that next trip to Niagara Falls.

9) No kiddy porn. That’s just sick. Regular porn is acceptable, I suppose, but then you have to consider the following: is your wife making love to you…or is she merely using whatever’s handy as a surrogate to fantasize about that ‘seven footer’ she’s watching on the screen?

10) No belittlement. That’s different from just ‘talking dirty.’ If your wife’s into ‘hot and heavy’ verbs…okay, I’m down with that. But if she’s call you her bitch and hollering that you haven’t got the stamina of a limp spaghetti noodle, then the girl’s got issues with you that need clearing up after the condom comes off.

Bottom line, Dave: If you’re wife is just looking to indulge in some aroma therapy, hot oil massages, rose petals strewn about the silk sheets, or something else that sounds entirely harmless or like she’s ripped the idea from the pages of a cheap romance novella, I say – go for it. There’s more to sex then “Oh yes!” and “I’m done.”

Yours truly
The Crabby Critic



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