Wednesday, February 22, 2006


and more questions answered by
the crabby critic

What do you think of American Idol?


Dear Debbie:

Not much. It’s basically a showcase for the judges three: darling I-love-everybody (sometimes too much) Paula Abdul, self appointed and overly pompous critic to the stars, Simon Cowell, and, ‘I’ve got my PhD in talent scouting’, Randy ‘my man’ Jackson.
You’re going to Hollywood!

It’s also the only sustaining gig for flat front man and hipster wannabe - Ryan Seacrest, who, I suppose, is kept stocked in hopeful starlets who aren’t above a little panty toss in between auditions.

As far the contestants and previous winners go; where are they? I mean, you don’t see Ruben rocking the house at Super Bowl Sunday or Bo Bice becoming the next heavy metal heartthrob to rival the record gigs set this season by the trail blazing Rolling Stones.

I’ve always held to the view that talent cannot be manufactured. You can refine a raw talent – that much is true…as has been proven by the makeovers a lot of Idol contestants undergo en route from aspiring star to…well, still aspiring star.

But Carrie Underwood – as gifted and in good voice as she may be – has all the staying power of a carton of Coffee Mate left out in the California sun.

The best part of the show is undeniably the auditions that inaugurate each season – where, as an audience, we get to see the bad, the worse and the down right hopeless strut their stuff. I still remember Billy Hungthe Oriental Ricky Martin who shook his Bon-bon, and, also that freaky gal with the blonde sugar bowl haircut and bizarrely acoustic trill who – when told she had absolutely NO talent at all – went complete Exorcist on the panel before screaming her displeasure to the camera man outside (who was only too happy to follow her rants all the way into the parking lot…great ratings there!).

But if we’re going to be perfectly honest, the show isn’t really about the contestants.

Everyone’s more interested in how they behave, towards one another and after they get booted off the set. The only star of the series then is Cowell – a shameless hack and no talent who just happened to land the slot of a life time by transforming cold plain rudeness into chic slick judging.

But beware, Simon –
Anne ‘the weakest link’ Robinson thought her uppity tight ass Brit motif was indispensable from primetime television too.

C.C. - OUT!

Dear Crabby:

Is my classmate flirting with me? He is in two of my classes and he usually sits on the other side of the room, but today in both classes he sat right next to me. Then, after class he walked me to the cafeteria. We talked a little bit. Then all of sudden he reaches over and touches my hair and says "You should wear your hair down more often, I like it when it is down"......I am like Whaaaatttt, me, someone is actually flirting with me???!!!?? What should I do?

From Melinda

Dear Melinda:

That depends. Were his advances welcomed – meaning - do you want this guy for a boyfriend or not? If the answer’s “No” then my advice is that you tell this teenage Don Juan to take his hands out of your quaff or you’ll shoot him up full of peroxide.

If you’re flattered by his ahem…‘charm,’ but rather embarrassed by the way he went about expressing his affections you may want to pursue a relationship.

If you simply can’t wait to rip off his football jersey and accost him with all the tact and affliction of a starved supermodel chasing after a Big Mac…then I suppose the next time he reaches for your locks you’ll grab him by his head and say, “Back of the woodshed…five minutes, big boy. And don’t disappoint me! I expect fireworks.”

BUT BEWARE – a lot of guys your age will say anything just to see you naked.

That doesn’t mean that they’ll like what they see or want to see more or even see it again.

It also doesn’t mean that they’ll start shopping for an honor ring, the white picket fence and a weekend in Havana. It just means he’s horny and would like to know if you’re an easy mark. If you are – you’ll only get your heart broken and your diaphragm stretched. I don’t think that’s exactly what you had in mind. So here’s a thought.

As a woman you have all the control in this situation. You can say “Buzz off, buddy” or “You…come here” and mean both with much presence and little regret. I’m not saying you should become a tease. No guy wants one of those. Play your cards wrong and you’ll wind up on the back of a milk carton. What you want is a guy who will respect you and treat you as he would his own mother. (* Aside: if the guy hates his mother this latter scenario might not play out so good).

I just wish more girls in high school would figure out that they’re worth more than some guy telling them that they’re worth more – just so that he can see them gush and/or see them naked – or both!

Don’t get all flustered by the moment. Some guy thought enough of you to say something brazen which he thought was being nice. If you’re interested say that you are but that you’re also not rented by the hour. Make it known that any guy who wants to get to know you is going to have to invest more time, interest, affection and thought in you as a person than simply stroking the back of your mane as though you were a cute Golden Retriever.

Then…pursue the relationship with caution and common sense – two aspects rarely applied to the dating ritual, regardless of the age of its participants. Bottom line: if you play it safe, you’ll discover a much more rewarding and lasting relationship in the long run.

That’s really what you’re after here, Melinda. Not some cheap flattery and your Calvins in a ball next Saturday night.

Yours truly,
The crabby critic


Blogger Hale McKay said...

Thank you for your all too kinds comments over at my site. Reading your profile, I feel I have critiqued by a famous person. (It's good for one's ego.)
...My stuff aside, I read several of your posts and it is you who should be reaping the accolades.
...I will definitely return to read you. Feel free to drop by at my place and comment good or bad.

February 25, 2006  
Blogger jipzeecab said...

It warms my heart to see that the age old "touch her locks" neutral/safe physical approach to a girl looking for a reaction before proceeding is still alive and well today..
I don't watch "Idol" because North America has tens of thousands of people with the talent of Reuben or Kelly or Clay who are auditioning for the show but the producers instead mostly pick a bunch of talentless dopes who are chosen solely so they can be brought on and humiliated by Simon in front of the whole world. That's not reality, that's exploitation of people who have an unrealistic view of themselves.

February 26, 2006  

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