Monday, February 06, 2006

STALKERS...and more


your questions answered by

the Crabby Critic






Dear Crabby:

So am I. Wanna get together.

Lynn from Paris


Dear Lynn:

No.

Yours truly,
C.C.



Dear Crabby:

I keep getting crank phone calls in the middle of the night.

Sarah from Bermuda


Dear Sarah:

I’m far too prudent and way more frugal than to waste my dime on providing you with some heavy breathing at three o’clock in the morning.

Crank phone calls in the middle of the night? Unplug your phone and go back to sleep. Most of these morons are harmless.

Here’s a thought, though. I once received some such silly overtures via the blessings of Alexander Graham Bell. But my sycophant preferred the dinner hour. I’d pick up the phone in the middle of an entrée – he’d breath into it, then I’d hang up and return to my croutons.

After a couple of weeks of this I had the call traced to a phone booth – BIG HELP!

Rather than change my number I decided to give my idiot the once over – just for kicks. The next time he called, breathing heavily and whispering “I want your body” I breathed back and said, “What a coincidence. I want yours too. What time are you coming over?”

The receiver was promptly slammed in my ear. He never called back.

Yours truly,
The crabby critic




Dear Crabby:

Who do you think will win this year’s Best Picture Oscar?

Brian from San Diego



Dear Brian:

Brokeback Mountain – not because it deserves to, but because Hollywood would love to give the little gold bald guy to a film celebrating ‘break out’ performances depicting a couple of gay (but really straight) cowboys. John Wayne must be turning over in his grave.

- C.C.



Dear Crabby:

I miss my sister. A year ago we had a huge fight because she ran off with some married guy who treats her bad. She moved away from the family and won’t have anything to do with us. She says if we want to see her, we have to respect her choices. The guy she’s with is still married!!!! What should I do?

Jessie from South Carolina



Dear Jessie:

Well, I suppose if you miss your sister that much then you’re going to have to suck it up and be nice to the moron she’s shacking up with. Notice I didn’t say, accept. Personally, I think you’re sister’s pond scum for being with him.

The guy…he’s just scum, plain and simple. But if you want a relationship with sis’ he’s the price of admission. I won’t even mention the word ‘respect’ because it doesn’t apply here. How can you respect anyone who doesn’t respect themselves or the feelings of those closest to them?

Yours truly
The crabby critic





Dear Crabby:

How many marbles did that guy swallow in the Guinness Book?

Charles from Pickering



Hey Chuck:

I’m not a go-between for lazy people who can’t be bothered to do their own homework. How many marbles? What marbles? Clearly, you’ve lost yours.

Your question ought to appear in Guinness under – dumbest unrelated personal inquiries ever made.

- C.C.





Dear Crabby:


I’m forty-one and I love Sarah Jessica Parker. I think she should dump her husband and give me a try. Do you think if I wrote her a love letter she’d be interested?

Barry from Washington


Dear Barry:

Were you planning on slipping in a couple of nudie eight by tens and an airplane ticket with that letter? Either way, what the hell are you doing at forty-one still lusting after unattainable starlets like a puberty-stricken heffalump?!?

Grow up.

The history of idiotic love affairs has been peppered with misguided slugs like you who thought they could gain the acceptance of their ‘worshipped from afar’ simply by doing some inexcusably idiotic grandstanding. Van Gogh lopped off his ear and sent it in a box to his paramour.

She got it…but didn’t get it, if you get what I mean.

Best advice I could offer you is, GROW UP!

Get a life... one without Sarah Jessica Parker. If I knew where Sarah was right now, I’d tell her to get the FBI’s stalker hotline number on speed dial.

- C.C.

2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Crabby:

Friend A is a professional photographer. Friend B is an amateur photographer. I happen to know that Friend B lifted a picture from the professional photographer's site and heavily PhotoShopped it. Should I tell Friend A (the professional photographer) about it? I showed the PhotoShopped image to a third party, and he said she did such a good job, it wasn't recognizable as Friend A's work. Please advise.

February 06, 2006  
Blogger Catnapping said...

Dear Crabby,

Why do you men think women want longer d**ks?

Honey, it ain't length that matters; it's the girth.

It's not my cervix that needs stimulatin'

February 18, 2006  

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