Thursday, March 30, 2006


...and more of your fine questions attended to by
the crabby critic

Dear Crabby:

I’m a second year student in a nude figure drawing class. I’ve always thought I was above such things but over the course of this last semester I’ve been developing this severe crush on one of the models. I don’t know what to do about it. Clearly, it’s not the most ideal of circumstances. I’d think it was pretty tacky if the tables were turned and I was the one not wearing anything. Could I approach this guy? Should I. Please help.

Helena in Oakville

Dear Patron of the Arts:

At this point I’ll assume the only reason for your crush is raging hormones. I took a nude figure drawing class once. The models weren’t allowed to speak to us or us to them.

So, let’s get real for a minute.

You like what you see, above and below the equator. But consider the disadvantage on his part. He hasn’t a clue whether you’re hiding a jelly roll under a girdle or svelte from horn to hoof.

I’ll assume since this guy isn’t ashamed to show all of himself to whoever’s taking the class that he also won’t be terribly modest about accepting advances from anyone in the class.

Here’s the thing – you have to be extremely tactful about how you carry it off. You can’t just go up to him as he’s slipping into his BVDs after a session and say something like;

“Hey, Mr. Fuzzy-Long…I think you’re just my size, life’s too short and besides I’m legal and test driven and going absolutely nuts (no pun intended), having been forced to sit on this side of the easel and drawing gesture and impressionistic odes to your girth in charcoal.”

My advice:
don’t even make sultry eye contact before, during or after the drawing session. You don’t need or want to set yourself up to the scrutiny of the class. If you think this model is your romantic ideal, chances are some other aspiring Mona Lisa in the audience is using her mental Xerox too and making triplicates of all the same places.

Find out where this artful asset hangs out after hours. Then go there and hang out too. Let’s face facts: you don’t even know if he has a girlfriend. He might. I mean – cute and single rarely go hand in hand for very long. Chances are someone’s already snapped up this Renoir Romeo. But, on the off chance that they haven’t – I really can’t see any problem with you pursuing this guy behind the scenes.

Word to the wise: NEVER - even if things work out between you two and you’re planning to pitch a little rice before graduation - NEVER expose this secret crush to anyone in the class. You’ll instantly become a cliché and the brunt of all on campus jokes.

Yours truly
The crabby critic

Dear Crabby:

Last night I discovered the…uh…girl I’ve been out with on three dates is really a drag queen. I’m so ashamed. I always thought I could spot one a mile away. The only reason I found out was that we were getting ready to…you know…and suddenly she leaned into me and said, “I’m really a guy.” At first I thought it was a joke. Turns out the joke was on me. Obviously that killed the mood. My question is where do I go from here?

Chad in Manhattan

Dear Mislead:

Obviously not back to the same club where you picked up Victor/Victoria.

Whoa! Sounds like you had a bad rewind of ‘The Cryin’ Game’ or Rocky Horror Picture Show over at your place last night. What’s distressing is not the fact that you went out, made out and nearly laid out with a man who obviously was clever enough to deceive you into thinking him Ms. Right, but that you were deceived – period.

Clearly, the cross-dressing imbecile you were with thought it a conquest to latch on to a heterosexual man – for what purpose, I can’t say, since as a heterosexual man you were no more inclined to move south of the border than he was to turn north. Not all drag queens are devious, although this one clearly was.

If it’s any consolation: not knowing doesn’t make you gay – which is what I suspect you’re wounded male pride is concerned about. But in the future, may I suggest the Crocodile Dundee approach to finding out. Rent the movie if you don’t catch my drift. G’day, mate.

Yours truly,
The crabby critic

Dear Crabby:

Last night I ate crab legs at a friend’s house party and barfed my lungs out till three a.m. Do you think I’ve developed an allergy to seafood?

Mike in San Francisco

Dear Mike of the Up-chucks:

It’s a possibility, although without hives and your throat swelling I suspect that maybe you were merely the victim of a really bad case of food poisoning. My first bit of advice would be for you to contact this friend who gave the party and ask if anyone else became sick after mowing down a plate of fish. If they did, then you know for a fact that food poisoning is what you had and not an allergic reaction to what you ate.

If your friend claims that everyone else made it through the night unscathed, or doesn’t know if they did, then my next bit of advice would be to seek out a qualified allergist and have a simple test done to either confirm or deny that you are allergic to shellfish. Either way, you should take the initiative to find out what’s wrong. After all, if you are allergic and continue to scarf down raw fish at parties, you might run into a situation one day where you wind up as cold and dead as that crab meat.

Yours truly,
The crabby critic

Dear Crabby:

Last night I did a bad thing. I went to my sister’s graduation at this ski chalet and ended up sleeping with her husband and her teacher whom she’s having an affair with. I feel real bad now. Should I tell her?

Trish in Sarasota

Dear Crotch-o-Matic:

Obviously the flush is wearing off!

I don’t know how you have the gall to ask this question.

Not only did you bang the buck who put a ring on your sister’s finger but you screwed the pond scum that’s hooking fish outside of his own waters.

And now you want to tell your sister?


What could she possibly gain from that knowledge?

That her husband’s a philandering pig?

That her own sister is an indiscriminate one?

Well, as far as confession for the soul goes, I suppose sis’ deserves this; a sort of revenge of the romantic slut-junkie rides again.

Last night you did indeed do a bad thing – two of them. But I’m curious to know what you got out of the experience of playing Rita the Receptacle for the Mutt and Jeff sperm bank.

Clearly, you wanted to ruin your sister’s permanent and misguided stab at romantic happiness. That makes you despicable times ten in my book. Your sister is merely disgusting times one. Or maybe it’s the only one that you and I know about. Lucky her.

My advice to you: stop being the ‘assembly-line hump!’

Want more advice? Drive to the free clinic for a Pap and AIDS test. Then try driving a bit of common sense between your ears.

Yours truly,
The crabby critic

Dear Crabby:

Okay, this is embarrassing. I had a disastrous sexual experience last night with a girl I really like. I mean I just couldn’t perform no matter how hard I tried. Finally, I just gave up. The girl said it was okay but I felt like a total idiot. Should I try again or see a doctor or something?

Farley in Maine

Dear Fisherman’s Friend:

Sounds like Sea Biscuit had a misfire while trolling the oceans of romance; happens to the best of us…and the worst. That it happened to you at a moment when you were out to impress is unfortunate but maybe a mixed blessing. Maybe your one eye had a sixth sense about Babe-o-lina.

But here’s a thought to put any lingering doubts about your prowess to rest – have you tried getting excited without an audience? Yes, that’s exactly what I mean. If you can still raise the flag poll just by thinking dirty thoughts I don’t think you have to worry about erectile dysfunction.

ED is a chronic condition that plagues over 30 million men and is often a precursor of other things like heart disease.

You don’t just have misfires.
You have NO fires.
Not even blanks.

But if you can still whittle yourself into a hardy mast by having x-rated visions dancing about your head (see picture, right for inspiration), then maybe it’s time to try and shiver your beloved’s timbers again.

Just remember this Chris Columbus – in order not to have another failed voyage around the world you’re going to have to block out that first dry dock experience completely from your head…both of them!

Yours truly,
The crabby critic

Dear Crabby:

I’ve just been diagnosed with cancer. I’m only twenty-one and terrified. I don’t want to have an operation or Chemo or anything even though I know I have to. I read you often and you make me laugh. Is there something you could say to get me through this? I hate my life right now.

Erin in Marlin

Dear Erin:

You don’t hate your life. You hate the illness.

Hang on to that hate and translate it into courage. Often life throws us many curves that seem insurmountable at the start. But like all great journeys we have to face the adversities head on with a smile and defiance that proves – if only to ourselves – what we’re made of. There’s a greater strength building inside you today that wasn’t there the day before.

You have a cause and a purpose and the guidance of those that love and care about you on your side. Yours will not be an easy journey – I make no such claim. I am a realist first and foremost. For me to state that you’ll get through cancer unscathed would be a lie and I suspect deep down you know that.

But I will offer you this little pearl of wisdom to hang onto – you will emerge from the fray with your dedication and hard work. Never give up, Erin. Fight the good fight however best you know how. No one will think the less of you for trying – even on days when you feel as though you’ve miserably failed.

Don’t look back. Consider what might be gained at the end of this journey rather than what’s been lost from the start. Everyday that you are able to look up into the heavens and feel sunlight pass across your face is a GOOD DAY.

And on that morn when your doctors officially pronounce you in remission and cancer free we’ll all drink a toast to your recovery. I’m going to start chilling that bottle of wine for the occasion right now!

Your truly,
The crabby critic


Blogger True Blue Guy said...

I love your answer to the cancer question - just beautiful !

You really have an awesome talent of writing in addition to being a nice person


March 31, 2006  
Blogger Hale McKay said...

What can I say? Very good? Made me laugh? How about quite simply, I enjoyed this posting very much.

April 01, 2006  
Anonymous Shelby said...

Crabby, why do so many men make fools of themselves over girls, especially younger women? Signed Shelby in California.

April 02, 2006  
Anonymous Erin said...

Dear Crabby Critic: Do you recommend blogging? How do I go about starting my own blog? Erin in Tacoma

April 02, 2006  

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