Tuesday, March 28, 2006


…or just a girl who’s done well for herself?

...plus more of your frantic inklings answered by
The Crabby Critic

Dear Crabby:

Last month my boyfriend took me on a trip to the Caymans. We’ve been seeing each other for six months. Yesterday, he surprised me with a gold bracelet – a very nice one. My sister says because I’ve accepted these gifts and we’re sexually active that makes me a whore; gift equals payment for services rendered. Does it?

Jeannine in Monroe

Dear Money-grubbing Slut

I’m kidding…In my opinion accepting tokens of affection offered to you by your boyfriend does not make you a whore. It also doesn’t make you a gold digger. It would be an entirely different matter if you were seeing several men at once and taking things from all of them without actually expressing an interest in any of them as a steady beau.

But that isn’t what you’ve done!!!

I think your sister might be a tad jealous because you’ve managed to secure a man who is not only financially successful, but thinks enough of you to share that wealth.

I’ll concur with sis’ this far – that it would have been nicer if he had given you a gold band on bended knee as a token of his affections; after all – if you’re good enough to sleep with, you ought to be good enough to live with on more than a rent-to-own basis. But perhaps that too will come to pass.

Bottom line: your guy sounds like a keeper. Your sister sounds like a sexually frustrated twit.

Yours truly,
The crabby critic

Dear Crabby:

The other day I went to one of those sexy lingerie stores and bought my husband a silken thong. But when I surprised him with it in the bedroom he just laughed it off and said ‘It’s not me, babe.’ I mean, he hasn’t even tried it on once. I want my guy to be hot. What should I do?

Deborah in New York City

Dear Horny and Disappointed:

Maybe he’s just not. You married him. What do you want from me? Egberts have their appeal too – some women have such peculiar tastes. But if you kissed a frog expecting him to morph into some Joe Studly Prince Charming/Don Juan derivative in the bedroom – WHOOPS…sucks to be you…or doesn’t and that’s the problem!

There’s nothing wrong with sexing up your bedroom foreplay with some erotic clothing, but if your guy is just not into thongs, power tools or other implements with names like ‘The Jolly Pecker’ then I suppose you’re out of luck – sexually speaking, that is.

Clearly you fell in love with your husband for reasons other than his choice of underwear. Getting back to that original frame of reference sounds like the best creative outlet for you – otherwise the two of you will be miserable trying to turn him into Barrie the Boner. And anyway, if he's not all that I suspect you're more Kathy Bates than Jessica Alba...so give the guy a break!

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

Dear Crabby:

I’m only twenty-one and going bald fast. At first I thought I was just thinning out but now I actually have a crater in the back of my head. I hate it. None of my friends are going bald. My dad still has a full head of hair and he’s 51! What’s wrong with me? Do those creams and pills they advertise really work like they say they do?

Joe in Fresno

Dear Joe:

The short answer to your inquiry of “what’s wrong with me?” is – NOTHING!

Unfortunately, man pattern baldness or ‘androgenic alopecia’ remains one of those great mysteries of the human condition that medical science cannot entirely explain away.

The myth used to be that baldness was a trait derived from the mother’s side of the family – but there is absolutely no scientific proof to support such a claim. Genetics too have been ill-precursors to the folly of the fall out. I for one have a father who by my age was considerably bald, while I have yet to experience a similar fate.

If it’s any consolation (and I realize it's probably not), most men experience a considerable loss of hair at some point in their lives. While it’s certainly true that the younger you are the more rarified it is to find a smooth pate in nature, you are decidedly not an exception to the rule.

Now, with regard to creams and pills – there are a ton of products out there that claim to be able to grow fuzz on a billiard ball. Not many are effective and some are outright frauds.

All come with a litany of side effects.

Personally, I wouldn’t want to place other organs of my body in jeopardy just so when they look inside the casket at day’s end they can say, “Boy, he was a jerk…but his hair looks fabulous.”

Depending on how much cash you have to spend, the number of options at your disposal will vary. Everything from Rogaine and micro-grafting to cheap wigs that look like wigs, I guess.

Only, here’s a thought; why not concentrate the bulk of your concern on expanding the amount of personal charm, charisma, wit and knowledge you have stuffed between your ears rather than needlessly fussing over that dwindling fringe decorating its canopy?

You’re a smart guy, Joeget a clue.

Women love guys for all sorts of reasons. Would you honestly want a woman who loved you only for your head of hair? There are such creatures out there. Superficial to the end and not at all responsive to guys who get old, saggy, sick or senile because they’re too busy checking in for a perm, pedicure and bikini wax.

Want my advice – go the Montel Williams route and smile with confidence. After all, being bald is definitely not the worst thing that could happen to you.

Yours truly,
The crabby critic

Dear Crabby:

The other day two friends of mine and I were horsing around near a farmer’s old barn out in the county when one of my friends – I’ll call him, Larry – thought it would be a cool idea to strip naked and throw our clothes in a pile inside and then set the barn on fire. The trick was to see who would wait the longest until the barn was burning to rush back in and save their clothes.

Only the barn was dryer than we thought. It went up fast and we were stuck in the middle of nowhere without our clothes. Here’s the problem. I left my wallet in my pants. So far nobody’s come around to ask what I was doing there so I guess they don’t know, only the farmer has an insurance claim and I don’t want to get caught. What should I do?

Terry in Idaho

Dear Au naturale:

Okay, so we’ve established Larry.

Which one are you – Moe or Curly?

In between comparing Johnsons you played juvenile arsonists and torched some geezer’s loft. So much for the concept of ‘It seemed like a good idea at the time…’

What ever happened to chores?

I thought life on the farm kept one busy and out of trouble.

Cock-a-doodle-doo, and guess again!

But now is not the time to turn chicken, Terry. You have to acquire a set of giblets and come clean.

The three of you acted like some misguided pigs in heat. In the grand scheme of things I suppose you did nobody any great harm, except obviously the barn.

Boys will be boys, eh? Time to step up and be men.

If I were you, I’d go over to that farmer and tell him it was you guys who did this foolish thing. If the barn was of no use to him – he’ll probably be good natured about it. After all – he was a yungin country bumpkin once too. Maybe, he did something just as inane and colossally stupid at your age. But I doubt it. He was probably too busy feeding the hens.

Yours truly,
The crabby critic


Blogger Sally said...

"Dear Money-grubbing Slut"

That's great :D

March 28, 2006  

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