Friday, April 07, 2006


...more questions answered by
the crabby critic

Dear Crabby:

Recently I started sleeping with my boyfriend’s sister. Do you think he’d like to watch?

Rebecca from Missouri

Dear All-in-the-Family:

There are more issues to discuss herein than time and space allow. I’m not Dr. Phil, you know. And you haven’t really given me enough to go on.

Does your boyfriend know you’re bisexual?

Does he care?

Is he?

Even if he’s the kind who gets a kink in his Calvins just thinking about two women rubbing Jello and chocolate syrup all over – any guy who gets aroused over one of them being his own sister has probably slept with his own mother at least once – maybe daddy too.

I should also add that you’re cavalier nondescript attitude toward family incest is rather appalling. Clearly, you’re not the girl to take home to mother – unless mama’s into spanking and you’ve brought the paddle.

You might, however, be one to take on the road. Can you say, side show freak and lovin’ it? I know you can.

Yours truly,
The crabby critic

Dear Crabby:

My older brother is selling drugs from our house. I know this because last night while my parents were out the doorbell rang while my brother also was out and a couple of guys asked for him. One of them had a gun!!!! They told me he should call them if he knows what’s good and as soon as he gets home but they was no good and I didn’t tell my brother anything. Should I?

Darryl in New York

Dear Darryl:

I would. Otherwise your brother might be in bigger trouble than he already appears to be.

These are not beautiful people, Darryl.

I don’t think you realize how lucky you were. These men might have kidnapped or beaten you up severely. They could have ransacked your home, slaughtered your pets and set the place on fire. They might have even killed you just to prove a point! It would have been so easy and most assuredly your brother would then be in epic trouble and have the added discomfort of having to go out and buy a black suit for your funeral.

I would also tell your parents what has been transpiring between your brother and the two felons who showed up on your doorstep acting all butch and gansta’. They need to know for their own protection, as well as your own and your brother’s.

Do you realize that right now your home is publicly known as ‘a crack house?’

That doesn’t just mean you’re libel to wind up having hoodlums, druggies, hookers and the police squatting on your stoop. You are now officially open to drive-by shootings and far more susceptible to violent home invasions because people think your brother is growing his market in the fruit cellar.

I don’t know…is he?!?

Often as siblings or parents we hesitate to turn in the one’s we love because we fear their wrath when what we really should be living in fear of is for our own safety and concern. Clearly, your brother does not have either of these interests at heart for the rest of your family.

Please, Darryl. When you read this tell your brother that men are looking for him. Then tell your parents what has been going on. Then, if I were you, I would call the police and turn your brother in for his illegal actions. You won’t win any popularity contests in the family after that, but you will undoubtedly be the smartest and most compassionate individual in the room. If you like – don’t do it for your brother or even to be liked. Do it because it is the right thing to do!

Yours truly
The crabby critic

Dear Crabby:

My mother is caught in an 80s time warp and I want her to stop having big hair. It’s embarrassing to me and my sister. When friends come over they actually laugh at her and she likes it. Please help.

Laurel in Maryland

Dear Hip-Chic:

Your mother is her own person. Misguided, thoughtless and oh so NOT fashion conscious – in your opinion, but her own person nevertheless. I can’t wave a magic wand so that she’ll miraculously be transformed into someone who doesn’t look like an escapee from a Southern Hair beauty convention.

If you’re embarrassed enough to share your concerns about her appearance herein, I will also assume you’ve had enough guts to confront mama in between her hoop earrings and mesh tank tops to suggest that she dress more appropriately for both her age and the decade in which she currently resides. But that’s about all I have to offer on the matter.

Short of writing to Tyra Banks for a make over I can’t see what good it will do to keep harping to a woman who obviously enjoys teasing her tresses more than pleasing her daughter.

My best advice to you is to limit the contact your friends have with your mom. That will alleviate all the stress you are having and it will calm the conflict of interests between you and your mother. Obviously, mom’s not-so-subtle time warp didn’t really bother you until your friends came into the picture and started pointing out how unfashionable she was to you.

So what?

So you have a mom who dresses kooky and loves life. Better that than having a mom who’s into split crotch panties, sleeping around and wearing a thong to mow the lawn.

Trust me – infinitely better.

Perhaps your mother needs to act her age and not her shoe size, but overall I think you’re being just a tad unfair to her right now.

Perhaps a little tenderness rather than dismay on the subject will carry your argument further. Think it over while listening to Cyndi Lauper. "Girls just wanna have fun"…remember?

Yours truly,
The crabby critic

Dear Crabby:

The other day in gym class Jennifer Mayfield said that my breasts looked like jelly melons. I hate her, only I was so embarrassed that I cried and everyone laughed and now I don’t want to go to gym class anymore. Should I?

Tina in Chicago

Dear Humiliated:

Yes. Go to gym class. Apart from the fact that you’ve nothing to be ashamed of, exercise will help tone you up. I suspect that Jennifer is either jealous or just a bully. Her comments were meant to hurt you and she won.

Word to the wise: you wouldn’t have won the argument if you had said that Jen’s butt looked like a Tootsie Pop.

The best thing to do when someone makes fun of you for whatever reason is to simply ignore them. The class isn’t laughing because they enjoyed your pain and humiliation, Tina. They were laughing because they were relieved Jen didn’t choose them as the target of her assault.

In the final analysis, bullies aren’t worth the time effort or self-loathing and pity we inflict upon ourselves because of them. They’re just not!

I’ve got news for you too, sugar. It doesn’t get easier the older you get. There’s always going to be someone waiting in the wings who wants to tear you down just so that they can feel better about themselves. Don’t psychoanalyze Jen. Just forget about her and go back to your class.

The next time Jennifer says something negative about you my best advice would be to turn to her, calmly and rationally and without giving two sweat socks about what’s been said, simply reply, “Gee Jen, ‘guess you’re right. You always are.”

Then, walk away. Nothing drives a bully onward to angry distraction than the object of their abuse suddenly concurring with them and not caring about their negativity in a public setting. Do that and the big bad gargoyle that is Jennifer Mayfield will evaporate like ghost.

Jen won’t hold the power then, you see. You will!

Yours truly,
The crabby critic

@2006 (all rights reserved).


Blogger Known Stranger said...

oh my good ness

April 10, 2006  
Blogger True Blue Guy said...

You are very honest. Your opinions are straightforward, frank and quite a bit like I think. In fact very much like I think.


April 12, 2006  

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