Friday, May 05, 2006


...and more of your questions answered by
the crabby critic

Dear Crabby:

My father hates my boyfriend, Roman because he’s been in trouble with the cops and went to prison for a short time. But I say everyone’s entitled to a second chance. Besides, no one could prove he was responsible for that stabbing/murder. That’s why he got out with only a couple of years. How can I get my dad to give my boyfriend a second chance?

Jose in Nantucket

Dear Jose:

That’s not the question. The question is WHY do you want to give Roman a second chance? Sounds to me, like papa has more stuffed between his ears than cotton, hay and rags.

Wake up! Murder?!?

Just the implication of such a charge would have sent me running to the nearest Wal-Mart for a stun gun.

The fact that a court of law and a jury put Roman behind bars – regardless of the amount of time he served – seems to suggest that even if they didn’t think he was the man with the hatchet, he clearly knew whose Ginsu had done the carving.

I’m going to try and be tactful with you, Jose because I sense at least one third of your neurons firing if you still had enough brain power to type in and ask for my advice.

It is to never see Roman again!

This murder rap that you’re so flippant about and thoroughly convinced he had absolutely nothing to do with is just the tip of his rap sheet.

Get a clue – Nancy Drew.

Why don’t you check out the county court records and learn more about the man you’re so quick to defend.

What is the hold this deviant has on you? Drugs? Prostitution?

It can’t be just straight sexual attraction. Nantucket’s not that small a community. I’m sure you could find at least ten other locals without a bar code at the correctional facility to service your needs.

Bottom line: This guy is dangerous.

He’s not the kind you take home to pops unless daddy has more money than God and the two of you are planning his murder for the inheritance. You’re worth more than Roman, Jose. My advice in a nutshell: Ditch Harry the Hacksaw soon or you may have to start picking out your own toe tag.

Yours truly,
The crabby critic

Dear Crabby:

I think you’re a heathen!

- Denise in Richmond

Dear Holy Roller:

I suppose if I wanted to be petty and insulting I could say that I consider you the poster child for some right-wing Christian wacko organization that’s into arranged marriages, fetal brainwashing and consuming live chickens at bi-weekly tent revivals.

But I don’t consider your comment worthy of either that assessment or my time. So, as best as I can surmise, ‘You are the weakest link – goodbye.’

- C.C.

Dear Crabby:

This is rather embarrassing. Last night I went on a date with this podiatrist. We had a very nice dinner and danced. Then I went back to her place for what I thought was just going to be a nightcap but it very quickly became something else. She asked me if I ever had foot pain and I said ‘occasionally’ and she proceeded to give me what I would classify as an erotic foot massage, all the while telling me how the feet are often the most neglected part of the human body.

Afterward we had our drink but I didn’t know what else to do. I mean, I didn’t even kiss her goodnight because I felt sort of strange about the whole thing. Do you think she was trying to sleep with me?

Eric in San Francisco

Dear Hoof-Meister:

Okay. I’ll admit that if some woman I barely knew suddenly undid my shoelaces and started slathering up my bunions with peppermint oil, I’d feel a tad uncomfortable about the informality. But then again, this particular stranger is a podiatrist.

I mean, feet are her occupation…and, evidently her hobby too.

Erotic how?

Did she perform this massage in a thong and pasties?

Even if she straddled the coffee table in mid Cognac and started tearing at your socks I would think her more odd than erotic.

Let’s be clear here. She didn’t lick your toes. She just rubbed them. Fully dressed and lecturing you on cuticle repair no less, doesn’t exactly classify your experience for the Hot Zone – at least, not in my opinion.

The fact that you’re your potential paramour didn’t go beyond the ankle with her touchy-feely seminar says to me that she only had your wellbeing at heart. She probably considered her massage a friendly payback for stamping away to the beat on the dance floor. The massage was her way of saying thank you.

Answer me this, Hangnail
– did you like it?

I mean, was she any good at her craft?

Because I can tell you that it isn’t every day you’ll find a woman ready and willing to give you a foot massage and nothing else. Sounds to me like a polite kiss – either on the mouth or, at the very least, cheek was in order to set the bill up Dutch.

Consider this: have you ever given any of your dates a shoulder or neck rub?

Should these dates have considered your ‘hands on’ approach as a prelude to intercourse? If the answer is ‘yes’, then you’re a fast worker. But if you would think nothing of performing a finger-friendly squeeze to ease the tension of a night out on the town (and expect it to go NO FURTHER than that) then my advice to you is that you were only paid back for your previous intensions in kind, if not in proximity.

Foot massages can be sensual, though it doesn’t sound like this one was. After all, she didn’t blow your mind, Eric…and realistically, it doesn’t sound like any of your other appendages were considered optional by her either!

Yours truly,
The crabby critic

Dear Crabby:

I’m a pole dancer at a reputable men’s club. But when I’m away from my place of work I keep a fairly low profile. I mean, you couldn’t tell me from the PTA mom baking cookies. Anyway, four months ago I met a really nice guy (not at work) and we’ve been going out pretty steady. But when he initially asked what I did for a living, I lied and said I did shift work at a customs office. The point is I think it’s time I told him what I really do because I really like him. After all, it’s only for the money. What do you think? What would you do?

Deborah in Houston

Dear Sex-on-a-Stick:

I think if your fella’s any kind of a man, he’ll probably give you an ultimatum and you will have to decide between the man and your money. You strike me as someone not all together under the influence of selling out to the highest bidder. But I have to say that your argument about ‘hey, I only dance for cash’ is the same crock of poopy any and every porn star has said to their potential lover who’s not in the industry.

I’m not suggesting your doing tricks for trade, Deb’ – just trying to draw a parallel in your frame of logic. Your guy may not like the idea of sharing you with others – even if it’s only across a stage.

Congratulations on expanding the horizons of the sexual revolution, but seeing you on a forty foot poster in the red light district of cowboys and Indians would not be what I would hope for from a potential mate.

You may think me prudish but I do attach a modicum of modesty to sharing myself with someone else on an exclusive level.

If this guy you’re with now is willing, able and ready to pick up the slack while you look for another level of employment my suggestion to you would be to turn in your G-string and whip cream for another line of work.

Sales maybe…depends on what you’re selling.

Yours truly,
The crabby critic

Dear Crabby:

My sister was married to a moron for six years before I pushed her to get a divorce. Then she went out with this guy who was all wrong for her. Just to prove how unfaithful he was, I set up one of her friends with him and he slept with her on the first date. Now he and that friend are no longer in my sister’s life. But now she’s fixing to marry a minister who I just know got relocated because of a sex scandal in another town not far from where we live. At first I tried to get this guy to leave her alone by telling him that my sister had VD. Then I told him she was a lesbian. Nothing worked. I don’t think my sister should get engaged. She’s a loser magnet. What should I do?

Sarah in Sterling Heights

Dear Sarah:

I like you.

You are a nice monster.

By that, I mean your heart seems to be loosely implanted in the right spot, only you’ve done the most despicable things to prove your love and devotion to your sibling.

But I must say that you’ve been fortunate to be so pervasively destructive and still maintain a full set of teeth. I should think either sis’ or one of her lovers would have given you a fist sandwich by now.

Do you have any sufficient proof that your sister is about to marry a child molester?

Sounds to me as though you’re operating on pure rumor and innuendo.

Want my advice…I mean, really…do you?!?

Because it sounds as though you’ve a will, determination and the bad judgment to ignore anyone who differs from your vantage point.

My advice: leave your sister’s life alone and concentrate more on your own. If you feel your sister is heading down a dark path – most definitely I would think as a loving sibling you would do anything to intervene and save her from heartache.

But spreading rumors about diseases or sexual orientation just to dissuade men from finding her attractive is not only mean-spirited but slanderous and bordering on obsessive jealousy.

You need to find another outlet to show your love, sister woman! Stamping her reputation into the dust is hardly an act of familial philanthropy.

Yours truly,
The crabby critic


Post a Comment

<< Home