Tuesday, May 23, 2006

GET OVER IT...and more of your questions answered by THE CRABBY CRITIC

Dear Crabby:

I’m depressed. My new ex-girlfriend cheated on me with my best friend. After the last one slept with him he told me he was still my friend - first and that girls are a dime a dozen. My question is, why do I always pick girls who will cheat on me with my best friend. He’s always there for me when we split but the girls just come and go. I don’t have a soul mate.

Dave in Maui

Dear Slut-Finder:

You don’t have a best friend either.

The guy who’s claiming to be yours is actually just a straggler on who looks upon you as a free pimp service for procurement of a consistent supply of genuinely hot booty.

If you announced to him tomorrow that you were giving up women for lent this ignorant moron would give you up for good and never consider the disposal a loss in friendship.

Ditch Mr. Sniffy, the love-puppy.
He’s pooped on your good graces long enough - it stinks and his bite is evidently just as potent as his bark.

...at least, the trashy wenches you've been hanging out with think so.

With regards to why you seem to find girls who desire your best friend over you…gee, I don’t know.

How fat, alcoholic and toothless are you?

Desperation breeds desperation. Perhaps you’re giving off some negative vibe that women are reading; something along the lines of “Please stay with me after you sleep with me because I don’t think I can stand up and be the knight in shining armor you’re looking for without you clinging to my arm…please…no, really…please.”

My advise, Dave: take your testicles out of the Mason jar for a refresher course in testosterone repair. But swear off the ladies for at least six months.

Join a fitness club.
Get a hobby.
Become an enviable contributor to the community at large. Women find usefulness in the male animal incredibly sexy…go figure.

And all this time you thought they were just after your hunky loins!

Yours truly,
The crabby critic

Dear Crabby:

My life is a disaster. My mother controls my every move. My dad is sleeping with his secretary and my mother doesn’t know. My brother likes to hit me because I’m little and my sister says I’m going to grow up and be gay. I’m 14 and I hate my life. I found you through a friend of mine who says you tell it like it is. Do you? What should I do?

Brian in Monte Calm

Dear Deflated:

Yep. I tell it like it is and this is how it is: your dad sleeping with his secretary is NOT your fault.

Your mother probably knows but is too weak a character to confront him on it. That’s why she’s turned you into her personal punching bag for all the close scrutiny she’d like to do to him but hasn’t got the guts to follow through on. Parents do their children a great disservice when they graft adult opinions and responsibilities onto their very young children. You shouldn’t even know about your father’s secretary.

With regards to your older brother taking a whack at you: I don’t usually advocate violence but you seem to have enough on your plate already so a little bit more really won’t matter.

By way of a personal story – when I was eleven there was this school bully who consistently taunted and teased me by calling me names and throwing rocks until I got mad. I’d chase the idiot like I was an idiot all around the playground in a frustrated rage. But, as luck would have it, his legs were longer than mine so he inevitably always got away.

Then, one day, I thought better of my usual plan. My bully called me a few choice names and hit me in the head with a stone that left a welt the size of a quarter. He then bolted without looking to see if I was following him in hot pursuit. Instead, I took a short cut around the back of the playground, came around the corner and ran right into him.

The look of total shock on his face was only matched by the bewildered screaming everyone else heard as I proceeded to beat the living snot out of my bully. I had never hit another human being until that moment – and never have since.

Long story short: my bully learned a valuable lesson.

So did I.

A bully will only abuse the person he thinks won’t or can’t fight back.

Your brother’s a bully – Brian. Perhaps, if you’re feeling frisky, it’s time to surprise him with a bit of payback.

But I want to be perfectly clear: don’t start anything. Unprovoked violence is NEVER the answer. But a reciprocation of provoked violence does occasionally set the world right.

I have a different solution for your sister.

Ignore her – totally. That drives girls crazy.

Yours truly,
The crabby critic

Dear Crabby:

I hate your guts!

- anonymous

Dear Gutless No-Name:

What about the rest of me?


Dear Crabby:

I was told my mom died when I was five. I’m thirty-nine now. But the truth was that mom took off with some guy from Tennessee and never looked back. Last year my dad died of cancer. We were very close. Before he went he told me the truth. My question is this: should I try and find my mom? I have mixed feelings about conducting a search.

- Gladys in Forte Durbin

Dear Searcher:

I wouldn’t. Now, before I continue, I suppose I should state that I have no first hand knowledge of what it would be like to come home from school one day and find one parent permanently erased from my life.

I suppose, if I may be so bold to reflect, I would have all sorts of questions stemming from my central concern of “where’s mama?” “She died? How? From what? Where is she buried? Can we go visit her grave?”

I suspect that you’ve had many more questions over the years. The reason you still have them is because inside your thirty-nine year old body is a five year old tear-stained child still screaming that she wants her mother back.

Far be it from me to question your father’s motives in keeping your mother’s whereabouts a secret until just before his dying day.

My guess – he was humiliated by your mother’s betrayal.

That doesn’t excuse his dishonesty. But you should at least reconsider any lingering animosity towards him under the rubric that he did the best he could with a very messy situation.

In fact, your father made a very noble and commendable sacrifice: he chose to continue the myth that your mother cared very much for her child by not having you deal with the fact that she abandoned you without ever looking back. He stood by you while you were growing up. He acted as any emotionally secure, stable and responsible parent should. He was there for you until the very end and you in turn reciprocated that love for him at the end of his life.

Your mother? She doesn’t want to see you.

Hard fact as that may be to swallow, mom left and never looked back. She found some guy to temporarily satisfy her needs (and believe me, there were probably many others in her disposable closet) and then tossed you and your father like garbage along the freeway.

That’s despicable behavior.

You owe her nothing. She certainly will provide nothing now that will enhance your well being, reestablish the bond that that five year old desperately craves, or enrich your life in any positive way. When it comes to mom, your reflection should mirror her own: don’t look back, Gladys. It staggers and drags the heart until all you are able to do is look back…and you have so much more to look forward to instead.

My best to you now during this difficult time,

The crabby critic

@ 2006 (all rights reserved).


Blogger Jon Cox said...

I love the pictures you post, VERY interesting & entertaining posts as well, keep up the great work! :o)

May 26, 2006  

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