Tuesday, June 13, 2006


Dear Mr. Critic:

My name’s Deborah and I’ve been married for a little over a year. We live close to a highway truck stop. That’s where Don, my husband met me. But now my husband says there’s no spark in our sex life anymore. He says that I should think about swinging. He thinks if we let another couple into our bed it’ll make us closer. He says we’ll pick up a new experience for us both. He says if I really love him, I’ll do this for him because I’m his wife. What do you think?

Deborah in Wyoming

Dear Kinky & Co.:

Unless your husband’s suggesting that you do your swinging from the chandeliers (which I would consider as merely foolhardy and idiotic; as opposed to foolhardy, idiotic, dangerous and deadly) I think you should consider a divorce before entertaining any notions about introducing another set of loose variables into your equation. I think that if you went to a truck stop and solicited a couple for badinage between the sheets, a ‘new experience’ isn’t the only thing you’d pick up.

The last time I checked, marriage was a 50/50 split.

So far I’ve only heard about the little horn-dog's fifty.

He thinks you’re boring in bed.
He thinks sex with another couple would spice things up.
He thinks swinging’s the route to go.

What do you think?... because in the final analysis what I think won’t make a difference one way or the other, unless your husband read my blogger profile and decided that I’m one of the two variables he’d like to introduce into your boom-boom room?

By the way, you can tell him from me – when hell freezes over with latex purple Jell-o!

Tell your husband that if he’s sincerely looking for a ‘new experience’ you recommend jackpot leprosy: he acquires the disfiguring disease and you start taking potluck bets on E-Bay as to what will be the first body part to drop off the man.

If your hubby’s not particularly keen on that idea, here’s another: tell him to clean the house and make you dinner. Tell him, if he loves you, he’ll do this for you because you’re his wife.

Otherwise, you're just the monkey in the middle!

Yours truly,
The crabby critic

Dear Crabby:

My sixteen year old daughter came home last summer from the mall with a tongue piercing that I explicitly asked her not to have done. When I confronted her about it, she told me that it was just too bad, because it’s her body and her money and she wanted to do this.

I tried to tell her about infections. I’m also well aware what the ulterior motives for piercing a tongue are. I called my wife – we’re divorced (she lives in New York) – and she told me I was over reacting. Ever since my wife and I divorced I’ve been gradually losing control of my authority as a parent and am not entirely sure what I should do to win it back. My daughter’s flying in to stay the summer with me in Los Angeles at the end of next week.

What should I do?


Dear Tail Wagging The Dog:

Greet her as she steps off the plane with a Kleenex in one hand and a return ticket in the other.

Tell your daughter that if she expects to stay with you this summer she’ll have to go in the airport bathroom and yank that metal knob from her licker or she’ll be spending her endless summer endlessly stuck with her mom on the other side of the country.

Be firm!

I don’t understand why parents today want to be their child’s friend.

You’re not out there to be liked, Jerry.

You’re out there to be respected!

Your daughter seems to have forgotten that point and so have you.

If she tells you that you’re over reacting, tell her that she has a perfectly tolerant parent waiting for her at the other end of that plane ticket. Then hand her the ticket and wave goodbye.

Do it without tears or inflection or feeling.

You need to illustrate the point that you mean business and that either with or without her company this summer – just like Gloria Gaynor
…“you will survive!”

Trust me on this one – she’ll ask for the Kleenex before she asks for the ticket. Even if she has zero interest in pleasing you, she’ll want to get some sun on the rest of her spoiled carcass.

After she’s removed the bobble in question, ask her to give you the Kleenex. Tell her she can have it and the piercing back the day she steps back on the plane. Then take the piercing and hide it in the house somewhere that she won’t be able to find it.

If she throws up the old “It’s my money and my body” argument, agree with her.

Say, “Yes dear, that’s true.”

Then lower the boom.

“But as long as your body and your cash are resting up – rent free – in MY house, you’ll abide by the rules I set down. NO PIERCINGS!

Do we understand one another, sweetheart?”

Do the last part with a sincere smile.

Then pray that your ex-wife’s laissez faire attitude hasn’t been irreversibly inculcated in her impressionable mind yet.

Yours truly,
The crabby critic

Dear Crabby Critic:

I’ve been reading you for about a month now and I think you are opinionated and harsh. What gives you the right to tell people what they should do with their lives?

Carolyn in Toronto

Dear Not Very Objective:

May I remind you that people (such as yourself) write to me?!?

I don’t go out and solicit questions.

As long as questions keep coming in, I’ll keep sending my answers out. It’s a simple case of supply and demand.

With regards to being opinionated
…thank you.

I hope to never reach the hour when I’ll have no comment to make on any proposal that’s been put forth for my consideration.

By my estimation, the trouble with the world today is that the vast majority of individuals out there have decided that it’s better to be liked than to be heard. Under that thoroughly misguided rubric, anybody can do anything and everyone else has to simply take off their hats, smiling winningly and agree.

I beg to differ.

I’ll be hanged if I tell the man who’s been bedding his secretary, and has two illegitimate children by her while his dutiful wife is sitting at home with three of their own, that he needs to search his inner child for peace, contemplate marriage counseling and sexual addiction therapy, while taking a spiritual sojourn to “find himself.”

I’d rather tell him to saw it off and stick it in a Mason jar with an ounce of formaldehyde, immediately confess to his wife what a scum-sucker he’s been, and, step up to the plate with a healthy sampling of child support for all kids concerned.

That’s just my way.

I figure if you screw up (no pun intended) you need to hold yourself accountable.

The problem isn’t that as a society we’ve set no high standards for ourselves today.

It’s that we’ve no standards – period!

No matter what anyone has done (all the way up to murder) you can bet your brass knuckles there’s someone out there ready to forgive them and, sadly, prepare their legal defense under the rubric that the perpetrator has been ‘misunderstood.’

As for being harsh…well, let’s see.

I’ve reexamined my archives and found that when I’ve needed to be tough on people I have been, and when compassion has been required – it’s become the order of my day. By my account that makes for a fair and balanced commentary.

Here’s the deal!

Some people require empathy and others a light smack with a two by four across the back of the head.

Deciding who needs what has made for some interesting reading thus far.

I’m not the touchy-feely type, although I do have a soft spot for the underdog in any situation.

Bottom line: If you want someone to tell it straight up – send me your questions.

If you want a soft shoulder to cry on – without any decisive commitment or commentary - pro or con – write Dr. Joy Brown.

Yours truly,
The crabby critic

Dear Crabby:

My best friend Carl is very rich. He was supposed to get his dad to pay for us both to go to Europe for the summer. Unfortunately, Carl was expelled from his private school and now it looks like his dad has decided to cancel our trip. Carl wants me to go to the Dean of our school and tell him I’m the one responsible for the act that got Carl expelled. Carl says if I do this for him, he’ll see that his dad still let’s me go on the trip. At first I didn’t think I would, but now I’m thinking I might. Should I?

Brad in Hartford

Dear Desperate to see the Eiffel Tower:

Here’s a thought.

Maybe you and Carl shouldn’t be going to Europe!

Certainly, Carl’s father thinks that’s the case. I’m inclined to agree with him.

This is a case for moral ethics of which neither you nor your best friend seem to have a firm and central grasp on.

Expulsion doesn’t just happen. Carl must have done something terrible to get booted from the ivy covered walls of private education. And I must say, that you’re a considerable disappointment to me too, Brad.

You’re willing to sell your entire reputation for a plane ticket and some postcards.

Is that really all the future of your life is worth?

Think this over, Brad.

Carl’s rich.
You’re not.

His dad can probably buy Carl back into the school by agreeing to tack on a new wing to the science building or library.

What can your dad do to compete?

Somehow in your mind you’ve decided that Carl’s money is a purification for his sins or, at the very least, a means to an end for you. That Carl could ask you to assume responsibility for his own actions is despicable behavior on his part. He’s clearly not your friend because all he wants is to get to Europe for the summer. Whether or not you tag along is incidental to his plans.

That you would even consider taking him up on his offer is disgustingly sycophantic!

Have you considered this – that if you go to the Dean and confess to a crime you did not commit there’s no guarantee that Carl’s dad will pledge the cost of a plane ticket for you to accompany him across the seas. Carl’s father may decide (and rightly so) that you’re not fit company for his son and that any association between you and Carl would be destined to breed bad influences.

You see, Carl’s father will have Carl’s best interests at heart.

Carl has only his own, because he’s willing to sell you short.

You should be looking out for yourself, Brad.

In your own world, God made you #1.

That makes Carl a distant #2!

Besides, if Carl was really that concerned about a trip abroad he would have behaved himself in the first place.

Wouldn’t you agree?

Think it over, Brad.

Once you’ve cast off your reputation as suspect you very often cannot get it back.

Yours truly,
The crabby critic

Dear Crabby:

My friend Barbara has this guy she’s been seeing who buys her stuff all the time. She takes it from him but has told me she has no intension of marrying him. In fact, she’s gone so far as to say she only keeps him around for the gifts. The problem is this – I like Barbara. We’ve been friends ever since we were kids. We’re both in our mid-thirties now. I don’t think she’s bad, per say. Just because she accepts things that are offered to her, does not make her a gold digger…does it?

Felicity in Chicago

Dear Conflicted:

It doesn’t make her a little princess either.

Babs is playing a dangerous game. It’s called toying with a man’s affections and it’s wrong.

The man in question probably has no idea he’s being made the fool. The fact that Barbara confided to you her deviousness makes you an accessory after the fact. You’re both on the inside of a crying gag that has rendered this man in the part of the village idiot.

In my books that makes you both cruel spiteful and spinelessly wicked women!

How would you like it if some guy who was ugly and unenlightened came up to you both and said “sleep with me and I’ll give you each a million dollars and a yacht,” but after you woke up the next morning the only thing your con artist left behind was his dirty drawers and a note
saying “Ha! Fooled you!”

That’s what Babs is doing to ber beaux right now.
She’s the con artist!

The guy thinks he’s got her on a payment plan with an option to buy. But she’s decided the lease is up and she’s never going to be interested in a renewal.

Tell your friend that if she wants a rich guy to shower her in gifts (however underserved and ill gotten her gains may be) she’s going to have to trade in something more than a pretty smile and a polite “not tonight…I have a headache.”

Forget your tenured friendship.
In my opinion, this little piggy’s not worth knowing!

Yours truly,
The crabby critic

@ 2006 (all rights reserved).


Blogger Aurora said...

These are hilarious! Laughed til my sides hurt.:)

June 13, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Crabby:

My best friend is very rich. In fact, he's a millionaire. This is putting a strain on our relationship.

I make a good salary, but I'm not a millionaire like he is. I feel like he keeps putting me down because of it. For example, I recently went to buy a sofa and he said that the one I chose was not nice enough and wanted to buy me a more expensive one. That's just one example. He does this kind of thing ALL THE TIME.

He invites me on big vacations that I can't afford and offers to pay for them. If we're shopping together and I look at something he right away tries to buy it for me. This makes me feel worthless. What should I do?


Certainly Not A Pauper in Pennsylvania

June 13, 2006  
Blogger Jon Cox said...

Hahaha, AWESOME POST!!!! :o)

June 13, 2006  

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