Friday, July 07, 2006

ADVICE TO THE LOVE LORN AND TRASHY

Dear Crabby:

My boyfriend is not a very good kisser and I don't know if I should tell him. He kisses like we're in a porn or something. Like instead of romantic and slow it's all sloppy and fast. I've never felt so strongly for someone as I do for him. I am also very attracted to him. Sometimes I just stare at him and think...I am one lucky gal to have this hot guy. I don't know I guess although the kissing bothers me I shouldn't really complain. But on the other hand, can I face a life with no romantic kisses?

Anonymous


Dear Covered-in-Saliva:

Define romantic kisses.

Evidently you and your significant other have different views on what constitutes heavy petting with an attitude. Chances are Jo-Studly doesn’t even realize he’s doing something wrong.

You don’t complain.
He keeps going.

The two of you collide like a couple of taxis on Broadway every time and it’s New Years every night of the week.

So how’s a guy supposed to Sherlock that you’re genuinely not into taking a tongue bath in between squeals?!?

Ask most men what turns on a woman and they’ll probably give you suggestions that their significant others’ in secret are thinking…“Oh hell, not that! Not even when I’m sober and with a prescription!”

Trouble is; most women don’t want to hurt their guy’s feelings.

Frankly, when it comes to intimacy, the male ego is as fragile as a China cupid perched dangerous close to the edge of the vanity cabinet. You have to be kind and gentle and move about delicately so as not to bruise or crack the edges.

If you were to come out to your boyfriend with the goods the next time he attempts to plant one on you with something like, “Whoa buster! Roll up that tonsil whacker between your choppers and let’s call it a day,” then your boyfriend would undoubtedly drop you faster than his underwear. Even if the mood wasn’t entirely fractured, he’d have this chronic anxiety building up about every move he makes that would surely make for some clumsy love making. That’s the last thing you want, I suspect.

Now, should you be obligated to tolerate ‘Gushy-Raunch’ from now until the end of time (or, until he moves on to someone who doesn’t mind having their lips Mac-tacked with his mucus)?

Absolutely not!

So, to help you out, here’s an idea. Rent a movie you’ve seen before but that you know he hasn’t; one where there’s some trademark ‘romantic’ kissing that you find really sexy. While you’re watching the flick, lovingly lean into your guy’s shoulder and say something like,

“Now there’s a romantic kiss. Why can’t life be like the movies?”

Whamo! Ring- Ding-ding-dong!

Positive affirmation of what you’re looking for in a great kiss. If he’s the right kind of guy, he’ll try to perfect that method right then and there. He might even replay the tape a couple of times after you’ve gone home just to get his technique down pat. He won’t think you’re disappointed in his technique and his eyes’ll be opened to a new set of possibilities at the same time.

Last bit of advice: having a guy who makes love to you like you’re both in a porno isn’t particularly a ‘bad’ thing so long as you leave your Victorian chastity belt and New England prudery at home. Occasionally, the ‘talk dirty/hurt me’ method has its place, figuratively speaking. But if it’s a stumbling block for one of the partners then the other should be made aware of that fact in a way that will be mutually beneficial to both parties the next time the panty line drops to below the knee.

Bottom line: you mentioned that the guy you’re with is ‘hot.’

Congratulations, but in deference to the laws of gravity – his hotness won’t last forever. So decide now if what’s underneath those firm pecs and tight buns is worth sticking around for – sloppy kisses and all. Otherwise, it maybe time to simply change partners again.

Yours truly,
The crabby critic






Dear Crabby:

What do you do when someone you love stops loving you?

Chelsea in Idaho Falls


Dear Chelsea:

Move to Wisconsin.


No, seriously – regretfully, and as painful as it may be to hear, move on.

As a rule, men don’t fall for the “I’ll change and I know you still love me” scenario: chiefly because we wrote the manual and recognize how superficial it is.

Having stated that, I also have to reply that begging with a set of doleful cow eyes has been known to win a woman’s affections on more than a handful of occasions. Some psychologists say it’s because women are more trusting.

I would argue it’s because they’re more gullible and often, more desperate.

The guy you lost…you wouldn’t want him back if you knew he was just doing it because he didn’t want to hurt your feelings, would you?

You want and deserve a man who genuinely can’t get you out of his mind morning, noon and night…and all the times in between. You want someone to whom you mean the world and not just a way to pass the time. You don’t want someone trying to entertain your affections. You want someone who you clearly recognize is entertained by yours.

This man – whoever he is – no longer finds you entertaining. He won’t change his mind.

In fact, if you choose to pursue him, he’ll probably bolt like a pony over the nearest fence and into some other pasture far, far away. If you must part company (and I think that in this case – YOU MUST) then part as friends. You’ll both be better off in the long run.

Yours truly
The crabby critic




Dear Crabby:

I need a reality check. I caught my husband cheating on me again with his secretary. He fired the last one because I told him to, but this one’s prettier than the last one and now she’s with him. I’m tired of all the @#)$#@)! But my husband says that monogamy isn’t the way life’s supposed to be and that I should consider counseling. What do you think?

Emma in New York


Dear Zero-Esteem:

You don’t need a reality check. You need 8X10’s of every gal he’s been with since you said ‘I do’ and a light smack upside the head with a good piece of wood. Counseling?!?

The only moron in need of a couch is your philandering fruit loop of a husband.


He’s quite correct when he says that monogamy wasn’t always a way of life. Neanderthals slept with any and every long-haired toothless babe that passed them by. They also clubbed theirs and dragged them off to out of the way places by the back of their hair.

See my point…
the times – they are a’changin’!

Remind your husband that you live in a culture that supports monogamous – generally speaking.

You had him fire his original secretary? You’re lucky she didn’t press sexual harassment charges. Then again, maybe she should have!

Get a clue, Emma.

It doesn’t matter what Barbie you put in front of this man – he’ll always find a way to adapt as her sport n’ shave Ken doll.

I think I’m safe in assuming that you’re not married to Mr. Fidelity.

But I would argue that you’re not even married to a real man…just a pig who enjoys his swill from a roving trough…and what do you expect from a pig but a grunt?!?

Of late, there have been some warped psycho-therapy babblings about something called ‘poly-fidelity’ whereby the psychologists in support of this theory report that a man or woman can be faithful to more than one partner simultaneously. They discuss time sharing and refer to a litany of historical texts to back everything up.

Okay, that’s a theory. So’s Marxism.
The practical application of either has been far more complex and far less satisfying to all parties concerned.

Your Johnny Knocker isn’t going to change, Em.

You can have him fire this secretary too. You can even have him hire a male secretary as her replacement. Your man will find a way. The girl at the coffee counter, the babe from accounting, a couple of low rent hookers who’ll provide the diversion cheap and leave him with some nasty stuff he’ll be bringing home to you and your kids.

Question: How sexy is that?!?
Answer: Not very!

It may be his Johnson that keeps getting thrown into the crap game but it’s your well being that one day will come up ‘snake eyes’. Want my advice?

Pack your man’s bags right now and leave them at the front door. Consult an attorney on how best to proceed with a divorce. You’ve gone beyond the stage of ‘we can patch things up.’

It’s time to cut hubby a new hole – one that will leave him wishing he’d never decided to thread his needle in another sewing machine.

Yours truly,
The crabby critic


@2006 (all rights reserved).

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