Monday, July 24, 2006

YO-YO PARTY GIRL and more of your questions answered by THE CRABBY CRITIC



Dear Crabby:

I’m a 31 year old single mother of two who cannot figure out what everybody else’s problem is with me dressing sexy in public. The other day I went to do some light shopping in my daisy duke’s, halter and high heels and was publicly scowled at from ever direction. I mean, ‘don’t hate me because I’m beautiful’ didn’t even begin to describe the sort of looks I was attracting. I don’t see what all the fuss is about. I’m still young and looking for love. My sister, the prude, thinks I should dress age appropriate. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the way I dress but my sister, who reads you all the time, says she’s right and you’ll prove it. Will you?

Deborah in Philmore



Dear Funky Town Trollop:

On the surface there’s nothing wrong with either of your arguments. But I don’t believe in limiting my remarks to surface banter.

You seem to be under the delusion that just because you’re well endowed others want to ogle you. T’ain’t necessarily so.

Even if you are the cat’s meow sporting someone else’s pajamas, have you considered what will become of all that new found popularity after gravity takes its inevitable toll?

The supermarkets these days are riddled with single middle-aged frumps who used to trip the light fantastic from couch to bedspread and who continue to dress up like twenty-something Loreal Stair-Master crotch jockeys – either, in the desperate hopes that some man (any man) will find them remotely attractive, or under the misguided delusion that hasn’t yet realized the parade of youth has indeed passed them by.

Let us say, for argument argument’s sake that you’re as svelte as silk n’ satin on a Saturday night. That’s still no reason to dress as though every day is a centerfold. Just so that we’re on the same page, the last time I checked, ‘hooker-wear’ was an unflattering form of attire regardless of age and body type.

The problem today isn’t that there aren’t any beautiful women out there in the world; it’s that every common gal in a push up and choker fancies herself cut from the same G-string as an aspiring porn star.

Evidently your look is not a flattering one to most eyes, including the fella who left you high and dry with a couple of kids.

Feminine wiles are supposed to attract – not repel – a guy.

My best advice would be that you reconsider your wardrobe under the auspices of ‘act your age and not your shoe size.’ That doesn’t mean you have to hightail it to the nunnery resale shop to invest in black flats and floor length knickers. But a little reservation will go a long way.

Looking as though you’re bod’s been poured into a sausage casing is emphatically NOT the look of a responsible thirty something mama whose days of man-hunting should have already taken a back burner to her children; her FIRST priority.

Yours truly,
The crabby critic



Dear Crabby:

Last weekend I brought a coworker home from a party and we had sex. Ever since she’s been leaving me hints about how great it was and how much she wants to hook up again. Here’s the problem. I have no interest in getting together with her again. But the other day as I walked by the secretary’s office I received looks from a trio of coworkers who clearly heard all about my night in…and not from me. How do I get this woman off my back?

Brian in Lettering


Dear Clueless Office Lothario:

Flip her over onto your stomach.

You know, guys like you genuinely sicken me, because for every idiot boy who thinks he can toy with a woman’s affections and then move on to the next easy target, there’s a decent honest guy looking for genuine commitment who’ll be saddle-bagged with some gal dragging around a Xerox-full of emotional baggage incurred by some fool like you!

If you had no intensions of furthering your relationship with Sally Steno Pool you had NO BUSINESS making triplicates off company time at your place – that is, unless you made it very clear to the woman you were with that you just wanted some diversionary playtime and nothing more.

That you’ve become the brunt of office gossip is a fitting conclusion to your wayward night of misguided passion. At least you know something more about your lady friend now than you did the night you two exchanged bodily fluids – she can’t keep a secret.

I suppose if you’re girth exceeds your common sense at least you don’t have to be worried about becoming an embarrassment inside the men’s executive washroom.

As for becoming the object of other people’s rumors and innuendo
– hey pal, you asked for it.

Not much you can do about it now except fess up and take it like a man.

Squealing post-coital about your lost reputation is as beneficial as walking through a night without candles cursing the darkness.

Yours truly,
The crabby critic



Dear Crabby:

My husband is a slob. He leaves his clothes on the floor, doesn’t clean up around the house and doesn’t bathe regularly. I didn’t seem to notice this when we were dating or even during the first few years of our marriage, but now it’s really starting to bug me. How can I get my husband to change?

Jodie in Balboa


Dear Frazzled in Body Odor:


People don’t change
– not because they don’t want to, but generally because they don’t feel a sense or a need that they have to.

Your husband was probably always a slob, only you didn’t choose to see him that way. Maybe you liked the way he treated you as a woman and date or maybe you were all hung up on his looks and his money – but whatever the initial attraction there was, its bloom has worn off.

Reality has at last set in.

It’s been said that there are only two things a woman knows for sure – what she wants and what she’s willing to settle for.

Clearly, you thought you knew what you wanted at the time but aren’t certain you’re willing to settle for what you have right now. That’s a sincere problem and one that you’ll have to contemplate more seriously before making a decision.

Maybe it’s time for a trade-in.

With regards to bathing regularly – that’s just plain disgusting and unsanitary. You shouldn’t have to lie next to someone you already knew was in bed before you even entered the room simply on the layering pungency of his preceding scent. That’s nasty. Want my advice on how to handle that bit of laziness – you start sleeping on the couch.

Tell hubby that reinstatement of your proximity to his bone lazy self is predicated on the assumption and expectation that he will shower from horn to hoof at least once a day.

With regards to getting your man to do more around the house – well, I suppose you could point out the obvious: that a home doesn’t run by itself; that you need and would genuinely appreciate help in all matters that concern you both. I don’t know…maybe your husband will be compassionate and acquiesce to your requests, or maybe he’ll simply turn a blind eye, deaf ear and empty beer can to any and all suggestions that he clean up his act.

At the very least – he has to clean up himself.

Yours truly,
The crabby critic




Dear Crabby:

My mom’s a teacher at my school but just before classes got out for the summer she told my father and I that she had decided to embrace a lesbian lifestyle. I was so ashamed. Everyone at school knows the other teacher she’s interested in and my friends are all talking about it. I don’t want to go back to school. My dad says if I have any trouble at school this fall I should come to him and he’ll take care of it. My mother’s moved out of our house to be with her friend. What should I do?

Chelsea in Broadbank




Dear Chelsea:

Let’s be clear about one thing – your mother was always a lesbian.

That she pulled off the illusion and the lie that she was heterosexual long enough to produce a child with your father was a grand experiment gone wrong on her part. But mama always knew which side of the couch her pillows were being fluffed on.

As your mother’s daughter you have nothing to be ashamed of.

True – the kid’s a school might look at you funny for a while but they’ll be more inclined to find fault if you illustrate for them how uncomfortable this situation has made you feel.

Remember this – nobody’s life is perfect.

Some of your friends may have mothers or fathers who are inattentive, abusive or alcoholics. Some may feel unloved and unwanted. You at least have the affections of your father to fall back on in this instance. I can’t begin to understand what all this familial turmoil has done to your own stored fragile sense of self confidence but I can certainly sympathize with your feelings right now.

Have you considered how your father’s coping with this bombshell right now?

You know, it’s oft’ been said that a girl’s best friend is her father.

The fact that yours already told you if trouble is brewing on the horizon you need look no further than him for consolation says to me that dad is good people.

Take him up on his offer.
Rely on him in times of need.
Use him as your crutch, only be there as a crutch for him too, because you both have the scar of mama’s decision to heal from.

You’ve both been given a challenge and an obstacle to overcome. The journey to the other side of happiness will be long, but its not insurmountable.

Now dry your eyes and clear your conscience and go forth with your chin up and head held high. Expect great things and you’ll prove yourself worthy of deserving them.

Your truly,
The crabby critic


@Crabby Critic 2006 (all rights reserved).

2 Comments:

Blogger Osquer said...

Amen, Crabby!

July 24, 2006  
Blogger Jon Cox said...

AWESOME POST!

July 28, 2006  

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