Saturday, August 26, 2006


Dear Crabby Critic:

I have a friend who, despite being engaged, continues to have cyber affairs with lonely old desperate women. Most of these women are nothing special. In fact, some of them are downright scary. Why does he do it?Signed,concerned in Boise

Dear Concerned:

I have an old saying that seems a fitting reply to your inquiry:

some people will never be satisfied…even if what they aspire to is less than what they already have.

It sounds to me as though your ‘friend’ is two mouse clicks shy of cultivating some long distance genital warts. He’s also something of a coward. I mean, consider how much – or how little - guts, bravado, machismo and studliness it takes to throw his heart (and other appendages) out to any fat sweaty hillbilly’s wet dream who can type “I love you” in the virtual world.

Unless there’s a web cam set up and he and his superhighway lovelies are performing for one another, typing impure thoughts (at least in my book) is not the same as acting on them.

I know, I know…I’ve about seventeen volumes of psycho-babble and no less of an authority than the Bible going against me on this assessment – but as long as your friend is merely typing what he’d like to do to someone if they ever met, I don’t think he should be charged with having an ‘affair’. At best, he’s guilty of stupid, moronic bad judgment and gutless tacky behavior.

Should his fiancée stand for such nonsense?

I wouldn’t.

Should she demand that he stop his internet flirtations if their relationship is to continue?

I would.

Should she dump him just because he’s let his fingers do the talking?

My answer is an emphatic “NO” provided that the behavior ceases immediately and NEVER resumes.

In my books, this guy isn’t a cheater yet – he’s just an insecure gutless little man. For that, we could recommend counseling. But I’d enforce a smack up side the head first.

Nobody’s perfect.

But everyone’s entitled to the opportunity to reform. I think your friend’s fiancée should give her silly boy one chance to make amends.

If your friend were using the computer as his own private call center for making actual physical contact with these cut n’ paste trollops I’d actually have more respect for him. At least then he would have made the commitment to infidelity as a lifestyle. As the situation stands, he’s merely playing weekend beau to a series of nondescript characters who don’t mind posting their panties on a ‘My Space’ for public (or maybe I should say, ‘pubic’) viewing.

That’s tacky, disgusting and juvenile behavior.
But it’s not an ‘affair’ and certainly NOT one to remember!

Yours truly,
The crabby critic

Dear Crabby:
Why do people cheat?

Curious in Connecticut

Dear Curious:

Well, I suppose the short answer is – because they can.

In a society where not even the former President of the United States could make up his mind as to what constituted a clear definition of sex, we’ve rather learned to accept cheating as par for the course of any potential relationship.

I firmly believe that part of the problem in dealing with the issue of cheating remains steadfast with women’s low expectations of men.

A recent poll of college/university women found that most have idealized the male animal as a rover with a wandering eye. It’s just a given that cheating is ‘a guy thing’ – something preordained in a man’s genetic makeup that sooner or later will trigger an episode of infidelity.

But I have an old expression I’m fond of using to combat that abysmal scenario:

I won’t ask you to be any more than you are if you won’t expect me to be less than I am.

There’s an even older cliché on the books that begins with, “give them an inch…” I think it’s time women began expecting more from their partners. I also think the time has come for men to demand more integrity from themselves. A guy who will cheat merely to satisfy his own ego and loins is a boy playing at being a man. It takes someone of genuine character to stand up to - rather than lay down with - the first available Miss or Mrs. who flashes a come hither glance in his direction.

There are still ‘nice’ guys out there. If you’ve been burned by a ‘less than’ you have my sympathy. Granted, there’s more bad, than good, eggs out there for the cracking. Just remember, not all men are cheaters. However, just like in an Easter egg hunt, it takes time to distinguish between the hard boiled and rotten ones.

Yours truly,
The crabby critic

O Crabby One:

Why would someone leave a Significant Other for someone they only know over the internet?Your fan, Becky

Dear Becky:

The short answer is because he is an idiot.

To mis-quote the old adage: “The grass…she’s a greener on the other side of the fence.”

The more in depth analysis goes something like this: A man is lonely so he decides to get himself a girlfriend. The two go out, have sex, get married, have more sex, have children. Suddenly the relationship has gone stale. Worse, the mechanism behind it has reached a plateau.

There’s nothing new in this. But it does seem to me that today’s society has a shorter threshold of tolerance for such expiration of initial passion.

Somewhere along the way women bought into the whole glass slipper/fairytale Prince Charming scenario and men decided that every night with their beloved should curl their toes.

Men seem to reach this plateau faster than women. Women are much more sensible, even after they’ve reached their own plateau. When the initial bloom, allure or buzz has worn off the relationship, they find other virtues in their mate to celebrate and settle down with. They take up a hobby, buy some new furniture or get a different styled hairdo to make themselves feel fresh and alive. I suppose a man could redecorate the garage or take up some new vigorous form of physical exercise to get his juices flowing but then he never seems to think of anything so unobtrusive, healthy or sensible.

The most important thing to remember, Becky is that this stalemate has absolutely nothing to do with the women in men’s lives. The fellas aren’t tired of them…they’re tired of themselves! Some men recover by rectifying their own boredom through healthy productive channels of activity. Others suggest their women get a boob job. Still others go out and start a flirtation with Sally No Thumbs on the internet.

But here’s the deal that ALL men should consider before aspiring to relationships less than worthy of the ones they currently occupy – “the grass…she’s a greener on the other side of the fence” for a very short time, and sometimes not even that long. After hopping the fence it takes more than a hint of nitrogen to perpetuate that rejuvenation.

If love is like a garden, roses are for the idyllic romance. But dandelions remind us that no romance is an Eden without weeds.

Yours truly,
The crabby critic

@2006 (all rights reserved).


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think A: You are a woman, or B: You are gay, or C: You are the best thing that has ever put on a straight pair of pants and I am in love with you.

Yeah, you, Nick. Wow, I only discovered you today, and the insights you share into the thought processes of men and women are absolutely astonishing, only rivaling that of what's his face- Greg Berent...

Besides, your writing abilities are kinda hot.

January 05, 2007  

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