Tuesday, July 15, 2008


...or anyone else who's willing to pay

Dear Crabby:

I am going through a messy divorce. So messy, in fact, that my wife’s attorney has now informed my attorney that she intends to ask for not only our house, but our cottage in the Hamptons and my apartment in London. I love that place! My wife’s predilection for accumulating communal property is based on the fact that she is holding all the cards – i.e. she’s the one who caught me spending way too much time on the computer paying for websites that I probably shouldn’t have been surfing in the first place.

These proceedings have really left me dazed and confused. I didn’t think my wife had a leg to stand on but my own attorney informs me that she does and I’ll most likely lose my case in the end. Don’t I have any rights at all?

Drakos in New York

Dear Drak’ in the Sack:

I’m not an attorney so the question of your rights is moot. My first bit of advice to you would be that if at first you don’t succeed consult a better attorney. Yours sounds as though he’s already given up on both you and your case.

With regards to your obvious affection for a place – your London flat – rather than the person – your wife – who was supposed to share it with you…well, I suppose you should have thought more seriously about both the apartment and your wife before wasting your time looking at airbrushed nudie pictures on the net.

Frankly, I’ve never understood why any married man would spend his days and nights looking at 2-D images of other naked women when he could just as easily find a real 3-D naked woman in his own bed.
And just so that we’re clear, I seriously doubt – given your attorney’s statement – that that’s the only reason your wife filed in the first place. I don’t know of a single judge who’ll give a woman every asset in a divorce settlement based solely on her partner’s aggressive foreplay with a keyboard. They’re just zeros and ones, you know.

Be that as it may, it sounds to me like you’ve stepped in it fairly deep and are now looking for a clean place to wipe your clogs. There may or may not be a good matt lying around. Only your attorney and the judge presiding over your hearing will know for sure.

My advice: plan to kiss the London apartment goodbye, along with whatever other assets your wife has attached to her petition. She may or may not get what she’s asking for but I would resign myself to the losses off the bat. That way, anything you do retain you’ll consider gravy rather than sloppy leftovers – which is probably the way your wife is feeling about you right about now.
You haven’t mentioned children, so I will assume there are none (a blessing) – in which case the judge will most likely rule you must keep your wife in the manner to which she has become accustomed. From your brief description, I believe that she has become accustom to quite a lot.

Perhaps, if both parties are willing – you and your wife can work out a time share on these properties you seem to both hold dearer to than your marriage.

I can’t make, or even suggest that this is a reality for you. But my best advice to you now, considering it’s your fault, is to step lively and tread lightly on where you go from here. It’s also fairly important that you remember your Shakespeare: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned…”

Oh yeah, baby. Feel them burns!

Yours truly
The Crabby Critic

Dear Crabby:

I think my wife must be the most sexually frigid human being I have ever met. We’ve been married for three months and I want to try new things. Nothing kinky. Just a different position now and then would be nice. But she doesn’t even want to think it over. Any advice on how to loosen her up?

Ronald in Ballarat Australia

Dear Aussie Adventurer:

I suppose you could start off by telling your wife to stop being a little sex Nazi, only I have a feeling you wouldn’t be very popular in the bedroom then – so, let’s rethink your options. After all, one position is better than none.

Now, before I get a litany of angry female rebukes to my reply, telling me that I have no idea what this particular woman’s problem is, I’m going to step out on my own limb in her defense and tell you that ‘experimentation’ is a term I generally relegate to trying out a new restaurant in town or using a Bunsen burner during some high school science experiment.

However, not even willing to contemplate another position sounds pretty up tight to me. You haven’t explained that your wife was always like this while you were dating, but I’ll have to assume that she was. Women don’t just seize up after the band of gold is affixed to their finger. My best non-educated advice would be that you get to the bottom of your wife’s hang-ups. Don’t just come out with something like “So, what’s your problem?”

Rather, try the tender, enlightened approach.

Start off by asking if there’s anything you haven’t been doing to her that she would like you to or if there’s anything you have been doing that she wishes would just stop. If the answer to either or both questions is ‘yes’ then my next bit of advice is that you adhere to your wife’s requests. After you’ve proven a willingness to comply with her tastes and preferences your wife may very well be more open and receptive to attempting some sort of variation on your behalf to satisfy your needs.

I’d also like to point out that sexual timidity isn’t a bad thing. On the contrary, it illustrates a fundamental truth about your wife’s sexual past; that it probably wasn’t based on a series of wild teenage orgies in the Catskills.

Relax, Ron – you have yourself a good woman who probably just needs to be reassured that you’re not the kind who’s going to open up the Pandora’s Box of kink leading to hot wax, golden showers, bizarre toys, threesomes and live webcam coverage.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

Dear Crabby:

Okay, this is going to sound ridiculous but it’s true. I was at a family picnic three weeks ago. When my mother-in-law – a devote Catholic – asked if I’d like another one of her sister’s homemade donuts I made the off kilter remark, “Oh, I’d sell my soul to the devil for another one of those.”

I meant it as a compliment. The donuts were fantastic. My mother-in-law quietly went to the table, brought back the tray of donuts to where I was and simply patted me on the back before returning to the party.

Since then the woman won’t speak to me. We used to talk two or three times a week on the phone before. Now I find out that she told my husband, her son, that perhaps my faith – or lack thereof - is the reason that we haven’t been able to conceive a child as yet and that perhaps he might want to consider having children with someone else. I mean, honestly – all this over a donut?!?

Becky in Woodland Park, Colorado
Dear Head-Spinner:

On the surface, I’ll admit that to bring up the evil one’s name in conversation to a highly religious woman seems a bit of a ‘well, duh!’ moment to me. I mean, it wasn’t like you just found out yesterday that your mother-in-law took the Bible and her faith very seriously.

But I’ll also reserve the right to suggest herein that mama doesn’t sound quite as stable as she pretends to be if a little light banter about pitchforks and brimstone is enough to convince her that you’re the demon’s seed.

You made a mistake!

Perhaps it was tactless and stupid on your part – in point of fact, it was! But it doesn’t mean that you’re going to start burning live children and house pets in the front yard any time soon.

If you want to smooth this over as quickly as possible, my advice to you is to have your husband bring his mother over to your house for a very heartfelt apology on your part – something so utterly sincere that his mother will instantly see the light, retract her statements, and also be able to have good cause to suspect that the same afterglow of religious fervor is still very much a hallmark of your own spiritual makeup.

Be legit. I don’t think the damage to your relationship is irreversible, but it will take some considerable pussyfooting on your part to get things back on track.

And the next time you feel the sudden need to stupidly bring up Satin in mixed conversation my advice is that you take a wafer and big swig of communal wine and then go to sleep: pray for brains.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

@2008 Crabby Critic (all rights reserved).


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