Wednesday, September 10, 2008

PUNDITS, POLOROIDS AND POWER PUFFS...

Dear Crabby:

I am so confused. I thought I had my political candidate all picked out this year – it was Hillary – and then I was asked to sympathize with Obama and thought, ‘Oh, well…I guess I should’ because we’re both Democrats. But then he went and picked a guy for his running mate and that left me cold.

Now, I hear rumors that Obama has sent political dirt diggers to Alaska to get something on Sarah Palin, the only woman in the race. I don’t think I’d ever vote for a gender, per say, but frankly I’m disgusted by the way Palin’s been represented on the news. I think she’s about the only honest one in the bunch. Why doesn’t this come across more in the way she’s being advertised?

Jessica M. in Florida


Dear Thinking for Yourself:

Palin’s the real deal. That’s the bottom line. Obama’s campaign – that reported to be all about ‘change’ in the beginning - has actually shown its true colors of late. He’s run one of the dirtiest, most underhanded smear jobs that it’s ever been my misfortune to witness.

The fact that the main stream press continues to treat Obama with kid gloves as though he were the second coming is disgusting; particularly in light of the facts that have surfaced about Obama’s ties to terrorist Bill Ayres and felon Tony Resco and his affiliations with Rev. Jeremiah Wright; all self righteous intellectually smug and self thought of superiors to the rest of us.

Lest we forget that every time Obama doesn’t like a question being posed to him he simply chooses to cut and run without providing any satisfactory answer to the American people. If he’s going to be Commander and Chief he needs to rethink that strategy.

After Sarah Palin’s Republican acceptance speech knocked Obama’s glossy ‘Roman-esque’ diatribe off the front page of every major media outlet the first line of defense from the Obama camp was to refer to Palin as a former ‘mayor’ instead of as a sitting governor – which is what she is. To her credit, Palin shot back with the fact that all Obama has been so far is a one term Senator and a ‘community organizer.’

Asked to define the term ‘community organizer’ the Obama camp is currently claiming that Jesus too was a ‘community organizer’,

Hence, the religious moniker ascribed to Obama by radio talk show guru Rush Limbaugh many months before – as ‘the self anointed, self-appointed messiah of the American people’ has laughingly come to pass. Obama’s temperament and ego are in line with sainthood; though someone should point out to the high and mighty ‘O’ that Jesus was not seeking fame, fortune or sovereign control over a free nation’s peoples.

Come to think of it, the more I see of Barack Obama the more I don’t like him – which is a personal taste – but more importantly, the less I believe he is ready, willing and able to lead America on to anything but utter chaos and complete ruin.

Obama is a misguided and inexperienced elitist who did not even realize he had stepped in it deep when he told ABC political analyst George Stephanopoulis that he was, in fact, a Muslim (something the New Yorker Magazine front cover made fun of previously, if you’ll recall). Currently, there is a law suit filed that claims Obama isn’t even American – that he is, in fact, Kenyan born and hence, ineligible for the Presidency. You must be a born an American in order to run for the office.

But back to Governor Sarah Palin; a hard working, no nonsense, tough as nails self professed pit bull ‘hockey mom’ who proudly wears her lipstick next to her tried and true legacy as a level-headed leader; first in the city of Wassilla, then as commander and chief of the entire state of Alaska. The reason Palin appears to be clean under the finger nails has to do with the fact that she has not been rooting through the political swill of her contemporaries – much as Obama’s ‘pig’ reference would suggest a lesser calling to her name and stature.

If it were up to me, I’d vote for Sarah Palin as president and not V.P. She has guts, humility and a genuine respect for the position she currently holds. She also knows full well what the challenges are that await her if she gets in on the McCain ticket this November election. Obama just wants the Presidency as the last feather for his cap – much in the same way a Boy Scout collects badges for being able to perform a magic trick or start a fire once in his life – then forgets how and never does it ever again.

You don’t need a magician in the White House. You need a miracle worker. Sarah Palin’s already performed a few miracles in her brief tenure as nominated V.P. She’s thrown the Obama camp into a tailspin; she’s upset what appeared to be a pretty definite cake walk for the ‘chosen one’ and she did it without flash or those Obama-approved ‘Greco-Roman’ columns that she herself made fun of during her speech.

Palin trumps Obama in the ‘experience department’ too. Obama knows this and it ticks him off. So, like all bullies – whether in the school yard or political arena – he’s chosen an attempt to bloody the reputation of his opponent rather than to simply remain silent on the matter. His camp has poked fun at small town America – their religion, guns and Bibles – in general, and Governor Palin’s home town genuineness in particular.

Obama’s frowned upon Palin’s decision to give birth to a special needs child and has even questioned how any woman with five children is able to find the time to govern unless, of course, she does so by sacrificing her own ‘family values’ – hence, the sting of an unwed pregnant teenager to contend with.

Now, how Presidential is that, I ask you?!?

In lobbying these attacks, Barack Obama has brought down his own house of cards. Only this time, he isn’t going down for the count alone.

In a recent poll, 70% of Americans now believe that the main stream media have been ‘in bed’ with Obama from the start in delivering their own heavy handed and thoroughly biased backing of his campaign. NBC’s Chris Matthews openly admitted that he gets a ‘tingly feeling’ down his leg when he hears Obama speak.

How bipartisan is that?

And what about the other self appointed, self-anointed ‘O’ in this equation – Oprah Winfrey?

Now that Oprah openly refused to have Governor Palin on her show as a guest (while she’s had both Barak and his wife Michelle)- until perhaps “after” the election, it is my sincere hope that the millions of women that make up Oprah’s viewers will start clicking off The Oprah Winfrey Show in support for Sarah Palin.

Let’s see how smug and superior Ms. Winfrey will be after her Neilson’s come a tumblin’ down and her sponsor’s bail on her because her female base has finally realized what a rank and dishonest hypocrite she has been to them all along.

Because in the final analysis, this campaign is not about race or gender. It’s about who’s the best person in line for the job.

Barack Obama is NOT that person.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic





Dear Crabby:

I think I am in love with my best friend’s mother. I’m thirty-two, as is my best friend. She’s fifty-one and has been divorced from her husband ever since me and her son were kids in grade school. She’s never remarried, but she also doesn’t really know I’m alive…except as her son’s best friend. Anyway, I need some pointers here, because I don’t want to give off any weird vibes and I also don’t want to lose a best friend over this. What should I do?

Tyler in Connecticut


Dear Ty-ed Down To Your Heart:

Get a hobby – another one. You’re situation is not unique, but it does come with its own set of difficulties as you’ve already discovered. Let’s deconstruct the issue in bits to better deal with the whole picture.

First, mom doesn’t know you like her, so her attentions toward you have been strictly honorable. She’s a middle-aged gal who apparently is content being the single mother of your best friend. That isn’t to say she hasn’t had other gentlemen callers in her past, but her perspective on the matter seems to be that she’s dedicated her whole life to raising the fellow you call your best friend. In my books that makes mom good people. She put her child’s interests ahead of her own.

Second, your best friend doesn’t know you fancy his mum. Good thing too, because as a son he probably has a hard time thinking of his mother having sex at all; even with his father, let alone his best friend. So, unless you want to see him stick his head through a plate glass window or start clucking like a chicken in heat, it’s best that he doesn’t know anything about your feelings.

Third – and this is the problem area – you’re all adults. This would be a real easy case if you were fifteen and mom was thirty-one. I’d tell you to get your hormones in check and expound on the ways your perspective towards women in general was going to change within the next few years. Above all, I would have told you

DON’T DO IT! in no uncertain terms.

The fact that you’ve all passed the age of puberty and are steadily marching either toward or past middle age presents a quandary because legally speaking, there’s nothing wrong in the way you feel. There would also be nothing harmful about pursuing such a relationship, provided the lady was willing.

But I’m going to step out on a limb here and stick to my original answer.

DON’T DO IT! because you’ve pointed out that you don’t want to lose a best friend. Courting his mother would probably kill your friendship.

It would be different if, say, mom liked you and then brokered the deal of getting to know you better with her son. But your situation is the other way around. Worst case scenario: you tell mom you’re hot for her and she thinks you’re a scummy little creep; tells you to get out, and then, tells sonny boy what you’ve done – in which case he’ll beat the living snot out of you before high noon tomorrow. So again, my best advice is move on.
At your age I have every reason to believe what you feel is love and not mere lust but it doesn’t matter because the outcome would be the same. To ease the situation for you, I might recommend that you and your best friend do ‘best friend things’ in a venue other than his family home where you’ll be tempted to moon over his mother. The less time you spend in her presence the more likely you are to feel better about sacrificing the ‘what might have been’ for what actually is.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic




Dear Crabby:

I hate my sister. I mean it. She’s been a thorn in my side ever since our mother died when I was eight and she was twelve. She thinks she is my mother; always telling me what to do and who to date and how to live. She thinks she’s so smart, just because she’s married and successful and I’m still trying to find my way. I just want her to leave me alone, but she’s forever meddling in what I’m doing. How do I get rid of this pest?

Sheila in Baton Rouge


Dear Snotty Sibling:

It’s a pity you view your sister as a pest because from what you’ve told me the only assessment I can make is that she wants to be helpful, useful and close to you in any way that she can. Clearly, the death of your mother made her feel a sense of responsibility and duty towards you. She knows she’s not your mother but she also has more tenure on the planet and is willing to share her life’s experiences to help ease you through the rough spots in yours.

I am an only child, so the question of ‘meddlesome’ sibling intervention is a moot point. But I often wish there were another brother or sister – older or same age – in whom I could confide my plans, fears, wishes and dreams. It sounds to me as though you’re being terribly ungrateful for the time your sister has invested in your overall development and well being. Even with a husband and family of her own, she wants to make room and time for you and continue to be that sounding board you can respect, turn to and trust.

My advice; don’t throw that away. As the year’s roll on you’ll realize that men and children will come and go but a sister is that perennial for all your live long days. I suppose if you don’t want to be as close to your sister as you have been, then you could not answer her phone calls and avoid her in public. But then she would consider you a brat. I already do.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic




Dear Crabby:

Is twenty-four too old to be a virgin?

Anonymous in Alaska



Dear Hiding from the Truth:

The short answer is ‘No!’ But while we’re on the subject of virginal expiration, I should point out that there is ‘no’ timeline for this next transitional phase in human experience. Just because some people are already working on double digit conquests by your age doesn’t mean that should be the status quo for you to aspire to. If you’re not ready, then you’re just NOT ready! Period!

So, when will you be ready? That’s a question only you can answer. But you shouldn’t dwell on it. You can’t plan for losing your virginity any more than you can plan for an eyelash getting stuck in your eye. It just happens when it does and when it feels right to happen. So cheer up and go play some hockey or something. Life will go on!

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic


Dear Crabby:

I married way too young – at eighteen and was divorced by the time I was twenty-four. No kids, thank heaven! Problem: my first marriage wasn’t particularly bad but it was awkward. I’ve stayed out of the meat market for the last twelve years by choice. My friends tell me its time to get back into the swing of things. I suppose I should point out that they were married around the same time as me, but their marriages stuck. They’re still married. Anyway, are they right? Should I get back into the swing of things?

Jodi in Belfast


Dear Blind Leading the Brain Dead:

Just because you’re friends tell you to do something doesn’t mean you should. After all, they were probably instrumental in helping you take the first plunge and look how well that turned out. I think sometimes married friends who have been married for awhile forget that ‘single’ and ‘alone’ are two very different things. Just because you’re single doesn’t mean you’re ‘alone’ or – more to the point – ‘lonely!’

You say you’ve been out of circulation for twelve years. That makes you roughly 36. Not old, but definitely old enough to know your own mind. You don’t need a gallop poll to tell you its time for another stab at romance. Besides, in those twelve years of romantic abstinence I think you’ve figured out an essential that your friends have not: that when the chips are down you can count on you to look after yourself.

I also have to tell you as one single person to another single person that as the years roll by being married just doesn’t seem to be a top priority any more. It isn’t that you’re anti-marriage, but you suddenly realize that you’ve become comfortable with being yourself by yourself. That’s not a bad thing and it certainly should not be the only criteria in getting involved in another relationship before its time.

So, when is it time? Well, the answer to that question may be ‘never’. You may decide that living alone suits you best and if that’s your choice and you’re comfortable with it then you’ve made the right decision for you. Don’t let your friends bully you into thinking you’re odd just because you’re not packing a hubby his lunches and baking cookies for the PTA. Live your life as you think it should be lived and let the chips fall where they may.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic
@The Crabby Critic 2008 (all rights reserved).