THE QUOTABLE ME

RECESSION PROOF, MY EYE!

noreply@blogger.com (Nick Zegarac) — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 00:10:00 +0000

Dear Crabby:

I was at my local coffee house yesterday waiting in line behind a businessman in an expensive suit and top coat. Two of the waitresses behind the counter were quietly complaining to one another about how their hours had been cut because business just wasn’t what it used to be. One even speculated that she might be let go all together if things remained status quo with the company.

After ordering his coffee, the businessman turned to them and very authoritatively said, “I suppose you’ll just have to learn how to be happy with less.”

I wanted to punch him. Here he was, pressed from a GQ magazine cover with a manicure and expensive leather shoes and satchel and he’s telling the rest of us to be happy with less. I notice that advice did not apply to him. What do you do or say in a situation like that?

- Georgia, ‘the groundskeeper’ – Duluth

Dear Sweet Peach with a Sour Pit:

I too grow weary of the rich who think the rest of us have been put on this planet to simply lick up their crumbs with a humble smile and grateful attitude. The last time I checked, I wasn’t born to amuse anybody. The same advice applies to you. And I am not amused at the insolence of your businessman either. I’m glad you didn’t sock him because then you would have been feeding into his stereotype of you.

Sounds to me like your businessman falls into what I classify as the ‘rich dummy’ category of the human species; someone so pampered and plush in their own existence that they are oblivious to the world beyond their own navel and naturally assume everyone else can just tighten their belts and make due.

To be clear, for this fellow ‘making due’ probably means cutting back on his lattes, down from four to three. Meanwhile, for the waitress it more than likely means she will have to start choosing between spending her limited finances on either food for the family or personal hygiene.

I don’t place faith, stock or merit in people who have all the money in the world to burn, but tell the rest of us who are on a budget how it should best be spent. They haven’t a clue how a dollar is made.

You’re a groundskeeper. You’re rolling in mud, not dough. The exec’ who stood before you yesterday has probably never even had a speck of dirt under his fingernails.

Bear this in mind. A recession is coming and it’s going to affect everyone except the ultra-wealthy. I don’t think your businessman falls into that category. He’s just an uppity upper-middle classman who gives a good show at playing rich because so far his salary has afforded him the opportunity.

But who do you think will be better equipped to weather our current and future economic downslide? Someone like yourself, who’s been pulling her share and then some all her life, or someone to whom a chipped nail means utter catastrophe?

I’ll say this; some of us are in for a rude awakening very soon. Most however, have already had their eyes wide open.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

Dear Crabby:

I was driving home and heard some economist talking about the absolute toxic nature of our new President’s economic plan and how it will devastate the already severely compromised U.S. economy. I have to tell you, as a divorced mom of two holding down three part time jobs, it scared the hell out of me and I don’t think I am alone in my fears. What are your thoughts?

-Sharon in Jersey
Dear Jersey:

Get ready because you’re about to be milked!

I think that left to his own devices President elect Obama’s economic policies will cripple the U.S. economy severely. Before being elected, Mr. Obama preached regularly on his pretty ideologies concerning free tuition, health care and tax rebates for the needy. It all sounded good, but you know what they say – too good to be true…and it probably is.

Those same economists who were silent prior to Obama’s win are only now starting to come out of the woodwork with their preliminary predictions of the financial Armageddon that’s fast approaching.

Now, for the good news. I don’t think Mr. Obama will hold true to his campaign promises. He wouldn’t be the first politico to ditch a voter commitment for an electoral caveat. I also don’t think he’ll have a fixed rudder on the economic plan he unveiled prior to being elected, for the simple fact that his advisors have probably since filled in the blanks about how utterly misguided his initial fiscal daydream was.

Recall that Obama first preached how he was going to ‘stick it’ to corporate greed and force successful companies to yield to the will of their workers. In effect, Obama’s America was a socialist one where the status quo was going to be ironed out until we all had the same amount of wrinkles. Sounds good, except for one small problem: no successful company is about to bow to any government, simply because its’ President says so.

For example: if you told IBM tomorrow that they were just going to have to give away 40% of their profits to the less fortunate in order to do business in the U.S., IBM would likely pack up their old kit bag, smile and hightail it over to China where worker wages and expectations on worker’s quality of life remain at a bare minimal. It’s a pity individuals like yourself, who are about to see their taxation go through the roof, cannot afford the same luxury of pulling up stakes to some other sunny retreat on the planet.

The good news then is that Obama’s need for a second term in office will preclude him from acting with more derelict disregard for ‘Joe the Plumber’ than he probably would have if he had sailed into office on a golden parachute of good economic times. That’s good news for everyone.

The bad news is that the economy is going to get worse – perhaps a lot more – before it gets better.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

Dear Crabby:

Mister! You got rocks in your head!

We’re not in a recession! North Americans have always come in three classes: rich, middle class and poor. Nothing’s going to change that. While you’re talking about tougher times, you neglect to mention that everyone has it rough at one time or another and that’s just life. Get on with it and stop complaining.

- Geoff in Bradley

Dear Rich Dummy:

Ding! Ding! Ding! Wake up call!

The world economy has been in a slump for some time. The other day, the U.S. government finally admitted as much by declaring that we are, in fact, in a recession.

I don’t know where you get your news from, but it’s rather obvious to me that you are utterly clueless when it comes to commenting about where the economy is headed. To be this misguided you either have to be drinking the 'good Kool-aid' or very well off.

Since you’ve proven your ability to type an email to me, I have to categorize you in the second category. Good for you. Whether you made your millions yourself, inherited them or simple married into money is irrelevant to this discussion.

I just wish you’d bear in mind that not everyone shares your viewpoint or your budget. Most middle class incomes are plummeting. Unemployment is on the rise. Good paying jobs are fast becoming a thing of the past and the price of daily essentials; food, gas, hydro bills, continues to rise.

We’ve already seen the instability of the financial markets reach a point of critical mass. Expensive bailouts are pending for the manufacturing industry. A lot of big chain retailers are also on the cusp of total annihilation.

Where have you been? If the answer is ‘on vacation’, then it must have been a long one! If you've merely been napping, I am here to tell you that you've been asleep too long!

Open your eyes, Geoffrey. President Obama will see to it that you’re forced to open your wallet.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

DISHING, rather than DIGGING DIRT ON THE BIG THREE

noreply@blogger.com (Nick Zegarac) — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 02:08:00 +0000

Dear Crabby:

What’s your opinion on the snafu with the Big Three?

Dale in Detroit

Dear Dale:

I’m rather torn in my opinion on what’s to be done with the nose-diving automotive industry. Clearly, management at the Big Three (Ford, Chrysler and General Motors) have made some gargantuan missteps that have paved the way for the situation.

Big expense accounts, huge – and unwarranted - executive bonuses, misguided union bullying and a downturn in the local economy have all conspired to make the future of America’s automotive sector dangerously bleak.

I speak these words with all the regret as a former Chrysler employee – one of many sacked in 2005 – as well as from the vantage that my father (a retired GM line worker) is in danger of losing the pension he put all of his blood, sweat and tears into to earn.

The arrival in Washington of CEOs from these companies on private corporate jets left a bad taste in everyone’s mouth. I agree with the congressional backlash that has gone on record as stating that most of the Big Three’s woes and wounds have been self inflicted.

This is not the time for grandstanding or refusing to answer the question of what they – the CEOs – would be willing to do to save the companies they preside over. When asked such a question earlier, GM’s chairman and CEO, Rick Wagner refused to commit himself to a $1.00 annual salary until such time as his company might be restored to profitability by the suggested government bail out.

It is a genuine pity that Mr. Wagner doesn’t see the error of his ways and what accepting such an offer might have done to sway congress into thinking that their billions would best be spent on bailing out car makers at this critical junction in their precariously balanced history. Such smugness in the face of looming financial disaster is not only ill timed but entirely irresponsible. I think it is time for Mr. Wagner to reconsider his position as chairman of the company. I should point out that I’ve had that thought for some time.

If I were sitting on the congressional decision making panel, I would enforce certain stipulations on the Big Three as a requirement for the bail out monies.

First:

No executive bonuses and a 50% reduction in top income salaries across the board. Any money congress spends on restoring the Big Three to profitability has to go exclusively to producing cars and technologies that will benefit the future.

Second:

Enforced resignations of all executives who are proven to be, at least in part, responsible for this current crisis. There’s a paper trail at each corporate office of all the mistakes that have been made along the way and at the bottom of most memos is a signature. The Big Three cannot afford to maintain their ‘dead-headed’ dead wood any longer. Top heavy mismanagement ought to have been a thing of the past long ago. It has never had a place in business logic. It certainly has no place in it right now!

Third:

I would encourage congress to appoint an independent automotive committee to oversee allocation and distribution of the funds, and, to also oversee the operations of each of the Big Three with monthly reporting from management to this committee as mandatory.

Personally, I’d like to see someone like Lee Iacocca back in the driver’s seat – not inside any one of these companies but as one of the independent automotive committee members, if not, in fact its ‘Chairman.’

Without a visionary like Iacocca at the helm, The Big Three have proven that, left to their own devices, they cannot manage their way out of a paper bag. So much for MBA degrees, pie charts and market research! The independent committee I speak of would be responsible for keeping everyone in check and on track – period!

Finally, I am not at all entirely convinced that even with my stipulations put into play that the Big Three would enjoy a return to fiscal solvency in any foreseeable time frame, if, in fact, ever.

Yet, unlike the pundits who are out for blood, I am not of the opinion that Congress should just walk away from this crisis and let history reduce these companies to a pick n’ save bankruptcy sale. Those who have suggested as much, forget that if one or all of these companies goes the way of the dinosaur, it will decimate virtually every other sector of the U.S. and Canadian economy.

Not only will it contribute to another Great Depression – it may very well end a way of life that both countries not only have become accustom to, but utterly depend on for mere survival.

To those who demand ‘change’ for the industry and the economy, I defiantly say that turning up the nose on some sort of practical restructuring agreement is decidedly NOT the way go about reshaping the greatest nation on earth. It will instead lead to its’ utter destruction.

Sincerely,
The Crabby Critic

Dear Crabby:

…or maybe I should say, ‘stupid!’ Despite all your muckraking Obama won! Just goes to show you don’t know everything!

- anonymous

Dear Chicken-Liver:

I don’t usually respond to ‘nameless’ emails, primarily because I figure that if you haven’t the guts to ask me a question as one person to another, I’ll be darned if I spend the time to answer you as one person should to another.

With regards to being ‘stupid’ – personal intelligence has absolutely nothing to do with expressing a personal opinion in public. Mine varied from yours – obviously. That doesn’t make either less genuine or valid. Perhaps some day you’ll recognize this.

With regards to ‘muckraking’ - since when is reporting factual data readily available from major news media sources on a Presidential candidate in a clear and concise way ‘muckraking’? Check your dictionary. The definition of ‘fact’ and ‘muckraking’ are not indivisible.

Finally, Obama won. So what?

It doesn’t prove I am wrong in my opinion about his capabilities to lead the nation any more than it proves those who elected him into office are on the right track. Time will tell. I suppose, on that matter we’ll all just have to wait and see.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

PUNDITS, POLOROIDS AND POWER PUFFS...

noreply@blogger.com (Nick Zegarac) — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 23:10:00 +0000

Dear Crabby:

I am so confused. I thought I had my political candidate all picked out this year – it was Hillary – and then I was asked to sympathize with Obama and thought, ‘Oh, well…I guess I should’ because we’re both Democrats. But then he went and picked a guy for his running mate and that left me cold.

Now, I hear rumors that Obama has sent political dirt diggers to Alaska to get something on Sarah Palin, the only woman in the race. I don’t think I’d ever vote for a gender, per say, but frankly I’m disgusted by the way Palin’s been represented on the news. I think she’s about the only honest one in the bunch. Why doesn’t this come across more in the way she’s being advertised?

Jessica M. in Florida

Dear Thinking for Yourself:

Palin’s the real deal. That’s the bottom line. Obama’s campaign – that reported to be all about ‘change’ in the beginning - has actually shown its true colors of late. He’s run one of the dirtiest, most underhanded smear jobs that it’s ever been my misfortune to witness.

The fact that the main stream press continues to treat Obama with kid gloves as though he were the second coming is disgusting; particularly in light of the facts that have surfaced about Obama’s ties to terrorist Bill Ayres and felon Tony Resco and his affiliations with Rev. Jeremiah Wright; all self righteous intellectually smug and self thought of superiors to the rest of us.

Lest we forget that every time Obama doesn’t like a question being posed to him he simply chooses to cut and run without providing any satisfactory answer to the American people. If he’s going to be Commander and Chief he needs to rethink that strategy.

After Sarah Palin’s Republican acceptance speech knocked Obama’s glossy ‘Roman-esque’ diatribe off the front page of every major media outlet the first line of defense from the Obama camp was to refer to Palin as a former ‘mayor’ instead of as a sitting governor – which is what she is. To her credit, Palin shot back with the fact that all Obama has been so far is a one term Senator and a ‘community organizer.’

Asked to define the term ‘community organizer’ the Obama camp is currently claiming that Jesus too was a ‘community organizer’,

Hence, the religious moniker ascribed to Obama by radio talk show guru Rush Limbaugh many months before – as ‘the self anointed, self-appointed messiah of the American people’ has laughingly come to pass. Obama’s temperament and ego are in line with sainthood; though someone should point out to the high and mighty ‘O’ that Jesus was not seeking fame, fortune or sovereign control over a free nation’s peoples.

Come to think of it, the more I see of Barack Obama the more I don’t like him – which is a personal taste – but more importantly, the less I believe he is ready, willing and able to lead America on to anything but utter chaos and complete ruin.

Obama is a misguided and inexperienced elitist who did not even realize he had stepped in it deep when he told ABC political analyst George Stephanopoulis that he was, in fact, a Muslim (something the New Yorker Magazine front cover made fun of previously, if you’ll recall). Currently, there is a law suit filed that claims Obama isn’t even American – that he is, in fact, Kenyan born and hence, ineligible for the Presidency. You must be a born an American in order to run for the office.

But back to Governor Sarah Palin; a hard working, no nonsense, tough as nails self professed pit bull ‘hockey mom’ who proudly wears her lipstick next to her tried and true legacy as a level-headed leader; first in the city of Wassilla, then as commander and chief of the entire state of Alaska. The reason Palin appears to be clean under the finger nails has to do with the fact that she has not been rooting through the political swill of her contemporaries – much as Obama’s ‘pig’ reference would suggest a lesser calling to her name and stature.

If it were up to me, I’d vote for Sarah Palin as president and not V.P. She has guts, humility and a genuine respect for the position she currently holds. She also knows full well what the challenges are that await her if she gets in on the McCain ticket this November election. Obama just wants the Presidency as the last feather for his cap – much in the same way a Boy Scout collects badges for being able to perform a magic trick or start a fire once in his life – then forgets how and never does it ever again.

You don’t need a magician in the White House. You need a miracle worker. Sarah Palin’s already performed a few miracles in her brief tenure as nominated V.P. She’s thrown the Obama camp into a tailspin; she’s upset what appeared to be a pretty definite cake walk for the ‘chosen one’ and she did it without flash or those Obama-approved ‘Greco-Roman’ columns that she herself made fun of during her speech.

Palin trumps Obama in the ‘experience department’ too. Obama knows this and it ticks him off. So, like all bullies – whether in the school yard or political arena – he’s chosen an attempt to bloody the reputation of his opponent rather than to simply remain silent on the matter. His camp has poked fun at small town America – their religion, guns and Bibles – in general, and Governor Palin’s home town genuineness in particular.

Obama’s frowned upon Palin’s decision to give birth to a special needs child and has even questioned how any woman with five children is able to find the time to govern unless, of course, she does so by sacrificing her own ‘family values’ – hence, the sting of an unwed pregnant teenager to contend with.

Now, how Presidential is that, I ask you?!?

In lobbying these attacks, Barack Obama has brought down his own house of cards. Only this time, he isn’t going down for the count alone.

In a recent poll, 70% of Americans now believe that the main stream media have been ‘in bed’ with Obama from the start in delivering their own heavy handed and thoroughly biased backing of his campaign. NBC’s Chris Matthews openly admitted that he gets a ‘tingly feeling’ down his leg when he hears Obama speak.

How bipartisan is that?

And what about the other self appointed, self-anointed ‘O’ in this equation – Oprah Winfrey?

Now that Oprah openly refused to have Governor Palin on her show as a guest (while she’s had both Barak and his wife Michelle)- until perhaps “after” the election, it is my sincere hope that the millions of women that make up Oprah’s viewers will start clicking off The Oprah Winfrey Show in support for Sarah Palin.

Let’s see how smug and superior Ms. Winfrey will be after her Neilson’s come a tumblin’ down and her sponsor’s bail on her because her female base has finally realized what a rank and dishonest hypocrite she has been to them all along.

Because in the final analysis, this campaign is not about race or gender. It’s about who’s the best person in line for the job.

Barack Obama is NOT that person.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

Dear Crabby:

I think I am in love with my best friend’s mother. I’m thirty-two, as is my best friend. She’s fifty-one and has been divorced from her husband ever since me and her son were kids in grade school. She’s never remarried, but she also doesn’t really know I’m alive…except as her son’s best friend. Anyway, I need some pointers here, because I don’t want to give off any weird vibes and I also don’t want to lose a best friend over this. What should I do?

Tyler in Connecticut

Dear Ty-ed Down To Your Heart:

Get a hobby – another one. You’re situation is not unique, but it does come with its own set of difficulties as you’ve already discovered. Let’s deconstruct the issue in bits to better deal with the whole picture.

First, mom doesn’t know you like her, so her attentions toward you have been strictly honorable. She’s a middle-aged gal who apparently is content being the single mother of your best friend. That isn’t to say she hasn’t had other gentlemen callers in her past, but her perspective on the matter seems to be that she’s dedicated her whole life to raising the fellow you call your best friend. In my books that makes mom good people. She put her child’s interests ahead of her own.

Second, your best friend doesn’t know you fancy his mum. Good thing too, because as a son he probably has a hard time thinking of his mother having sex at all; even with his father, let alone his best friend. So, unless you want to see him stick his head through a plate glass window or start clucking like a chicken in heat, it’s best that he doesn’t know anything about your feelings.

Third – and this is the problem area – you’re all adults. This would be a real easy case if you were fifteen and mom was thirty-one. I’d tell you to get your hormones in check and expound on the ways your perspective towards women in general was going to change within the next few years. Above all, I would have told you

– DON’T DO IT! in no uncertain terms.

The fact that you’ve all passed the age of puberty and are steadily marching either toward or past middle age presents a quandary because legally speaking, there’s nothing wrong in the way you feel. There would also be nothing harmful about pursuing such a relationship, provided the lady was willing.

But I’m going to step out on a limb here and stick to my original answer.

DON’T DO IT! because you’ve pointed out that you don’t want to lose a best friend. Courting his mother would probably kill your friendship.

It would be different if, say, mom liked you and then brokered the deal of getting to know you better with her son. But your situation is the other way around. Worst case scenario: you tell mom you’re hot for her and she thinks you’re a scummy little creep; tells you to get out, and then, tells sonny boy what you’ve done – in which case he’ll beat the living snot out of you before high noon tomorrow. So again, my best advice is move on.
At your age I have every reason to believe what you feel is love and not mere lust but it doesn’t matter because the outcome would be the same. To ease the situation for you, I might recommend that you and your best friend do ‘best friend things’ in a venue other than his family home where you’ll be tempted to moon over his mother. The less time you spend in her presence the more likely you are to feel better about sacrificing the ‘what might have been’ for what actually is.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

Dear Crabby:

I hate my sister. I mean it. She’s been a thorn in my side ever since our mother died when I was eight and she was twelve. She thinks she is my mother; always telling me what to do and who to date and how to live. She thinks she’s so smart, just because she’s married and successful and I’m still trying to find my way. I just want her to leave me alone, but she’s forever meddling in what I’m doing. How do I get rid of this pest?

Sheila in Baton Rouge

Dear Snotty Sibling:

It’s a pity you view your sister as a pest because from what you’ve told me the only assessment I can make is that she wants to be helpful, useful and close to you in any way that she can. Clearly, the death of your mother made her feel a sense of responsibility and duty towards you. She knows she’s not your mother but she also has more tenure on the planet and is willing to share her life’s experiences to help ease you through the rough spots in yours.

I am an only child, so the question of ‘meddlesome’ sibling intervention is a moot point. But I often wish there were another brother or sister – older or same age – in whom I could confide my plans, fears, wishes and dreams. It sounds to me as though you’re being terribly ungrateful for the time your sister has invested in your overall development and well being. Even with a husband and family of her own, she wants to make room and time for you and continue to be that sounding board you can respect, turn to and trust.

My advice; don’t throw that away. As the year’s roll on you’ll realize that men and children will come and go but a sister is that perennial for all your live long days. I suppose if you don’t want to be as close to your sister as you have been, then you could not answer her phone calls and avoid her in public. But then she would consider you a brat. I already do.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

Dear Crabby:

Is twenty-four too old to be a virgin?

Anonymous in Alaska

Dear Hiding from the Truth:

The short answer is ‘No!’ But while we’re on the subject of virginal expiration, I should point out that there is ‘no’ timeline for this next transitional phase in human experience. Just because some people are already working on double digit conquests by your age doesn’t mean that should be the status quo for you to aspire to. If you’re not ready, then you’re just NOT ready! Period!

So, when will you be ready? That’s a question only you can answer. But you shouldn’t dwell on it. You can’t plan for losing your virginity any more than you can plan for an eyelash getting stuck in your eye. It just happens when it does and when it feels right to happen. So cheer up and go play some hockey or something. Life will go on!

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

Dear Crabby:

I married way too young – at eighteen and was divorced by the time I was twenty-four. No kids, thank heaven! Problem: my first marriage wasn’t particularly bad but it was awkward. I’ve stayed out of the meat market for the last twelve years by choice. My friends tell me its time to get back into the swing of things. I suppose I should point out that they were married around the same time as me, but their marriages stuck. They’re still married. Anyway, are they right? Should I get back into the swing of things?

Jodi in Belfast

Dear Blind Leading the Brain Dead:

Just because you’re friends tell you to do something doesn’t mean you should. After all, they were probably instrumental in helping you take the first plunge and look how well that turned out. I think sometimes married friends who have been married for awhile forget that ‘single’ and ‘alone’ are two very different things. Just because you’re single doesn’t mean you’re ‘alone’ or – more to the point – ‘lonely!’

You say you’ve been out of circulation for twelve years. That makes you roughly 36. Not old, but definitely old enough to know your own mind. You don’t need a gallop poll to tell you its time for another stab at romance. Besides, in those twelve years of romantic abstinence I think you’ve figured out an essential that your friends have not: that when the chips are down you can count on you to look after yourself.

I also have to tell you as one single person to another single person that as the years roll by being married just doesn’t seem to be a top priority any more. It isn’t that you’re anti-marriage, but you suddenly realize that you’ve become comfortable with being yourself by yourself. That’s not a bad thing and it certainly should not be the only criteria in getting involved in another relationship before its time.

So, when is it time? Well, the answer to that question may be ‘never’. You may decide that living alone suits you best and if that’s your choice and you’re comfortable with it then you’ve made the right decision for you. Don’t let your friends bully you into thinking you’re odd just because you’re not packing a hubby his lunches and baking cookies for the PTA. Live your life as you think it should be lived and let the chips fall where they may.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic@The Crabby Critic 2008 (all rights reserved).

FREE TO GOOD HOME?

noreply@blogger.com (Nick Zegarac) — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 21:09:00 +0000

Dear Crabby:

I’m getting pretty sick and tired of my boyfriend’s lack of interest in my problems. Whenever we go shopping together and I try to get him to give me an answer about what I should buy, you know, color, style – yada, yada, yada – he just says ‘I don’t know. Whatever you want.’ Yesterday I asked him if he thought I was getting too heavy. I’ve put on fifteen pounds in the last year, and he just shrugged his shoulders and said, ‘I don’t know. No.’ Like, what is that? How do I get him to be more responsive?

Giselle in Naples

Dear Hurricane Waiting To Happen:

I’ll bet your boyfriend’s pretty sick of you too, getting on his case every time he doesn’t give you the answer he thinks you want to hear. Let me give you a few clues.

Clue #1:

Some men start out with definite opinions in a relationship and others just go with the flow. Sounds to me like to lucked out with guy #2. He gives you an answer. I’ll grant you that it’s not a very decisive one, but it’s still an answer and you should be happy with it or you’ll wind up making the two of you miserable as I suspect you already have.

Clue #2:

A man is not like a house that you buy in the low rent district with visions of fixing it up into your kind of place. He comes with a set of thoughts and ideas, perceptions and personal interests already pre-programmed and built in long before you took him off the market. You came with a set of these principles yourself! It’s just that you suddenly realized the two sets – yours and his – are not quite compatible.

I get a lot of letters from women who want to change their guy. Bad idea. It doesn’t work. He won’t change any more than you will. He shouldn’t have to, either!

Clue #3:

The perfect person doesn’t exist. The right mate for anyone is the person stepping onto that same level of inarticulacy as you. No one will ever be an exact match. So, you find that person who meets most of your main criteria.

What are the main criteria?

I always say that young couples in lust need to have a basic chat about the following fundamentals – preferable before they’ve slept together, because it alleviates a lot of heartache later on.

Topics open for discussion include (1) kids – when and how many, (2) career plans – if you want a corporate CEO and he’s happy just being the garbage man it won’t work, (3) sexual frequency, habits and fantasies – you want it once a year and missionary; he needs it twice daily in every position but, and in between trolling the net for lesbian porn (4) place of residence – you want to move to a California bungalow near the beach and he’s more at home wearing a parka in some remote outpost in Alaska, and finally (5) hobbies.

This last one often gets overlooked but it says a lot about the guy or gal you’ve become attached to. It also creates a lot of problems for gals when they discover that their man’s a sports freak who block books whole seasons to indulge in his arm chair viewing while she would rather be ballroom dancing, hiking, having a Cosmo on a beach in the south of France…you get my point.

And YES – I am deadly serious about these criteria. For the most part, I find that woman just settle for the guy they’re with – problem areas and all – then, spend a good portion of their courtship and/or marriage attempting to uproot all of their guy’s trademarks because they suddenly realized they can’t live with the boy in their bedroom as is.

Why do women do this?

Well, in short – the guy is hot and he’s rocked her world.

Why do men put up with it?

Well, in short, the gal is hot and she’s rocked his world.

Hey, guess what?

You two have something in common!

Clue #4:

Finally, stop dragging your beau around mall trips to the ladies department and asking him loaded questions like ‘are you fat?’ and expecting an honest answer or any answer for that matter. I suspect that radical sixties feminism – that old ‘you can have your cake and eat it too’ mentality - is to blame for this currency of women who expect that their mates should be joined at their hip at all times.

WRONG!

If you’re shopping for clothes with a man just take it as a given that he would rather be looking at power tools, lawn furniture or DVD players than comparing pink chiffon to chantilly lace. That doesn’t make him insensitive or a moron!

After all, you probably don’t care for any of the aforementioned items I just listed that would leave your guy salivating hours on end at the Home Depot or Best Buy.

You want to shop for a new dress and heels? – take your sister, mother, girlfriend(s) with you. You’ll have a better time and so will your guy…doing whatever he wants to do without you nagging him.

So, after all that – the short answer to your question is ‘you can’t get your guy to be something more than what he is.’

He is who he is; not a house that just needs a new coat of paint and some shutters and certainly NOT your pet that needs to be house trained!

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

Dear Crabby:

I want to get married – desperately! The problem that I have is that I always seem to attract the wrong sort of guy. I think they’re normal when I first meet them. Then something happens and I lose interest. What’s wrong with me?

Rachel in Nevada

Dear Arid Romantic:

I don’t think you’re as desperate as you’ve made yourself sound. Desperation usually breeds conflict and resolution – especially in women looking for Mr. Right. Even if you don’t find him, you do the prowl, pick a guy who represents ‘second best’ or a ‘compromise’ and then find a way to make it work because that ring finger is just too, too bare.

In your case, you’ve a discerning nature.

You’re picky!

That’s a good thing, so long as you don’t get carried away. Like, if you meet a man and he’s literally perfect for you in all respects, except that he scratches his left arm pit from time to time and in public…that’s not a deal breaker. You have to be accepting and move on. I don’t think that’s your problem.

I also think you’ll eventually find love. But don’t lower your standards to do so. There’s nothing more attractive to a man than a woman who knows her own mind. It takes the onus off him for having to second guess every little picky detail and answer a litany of stupid questions that really don’t involve or engage him in any way.

Want my advice? If you haven’t found Mr. Right in the places you’ve been looking – make a change of venue to someplace you may not have even considered. For example: if you want a devote Christian who’s religious and church going, my best advice is that you don the white gloves and Easter bonnet and hit the holy roller’s club.

If you are the athletic type who, say, loves to cycle, why not join a local racing club or hang out with a girlfriend at the local gym where athletic guys are likely to be out in full flourish fleece and muscle tees?

Think of your search for Mr. R in the same vane as mailing out your résumé. Example: if you wanted a job as a marketing research assistant with a major design house you wouldn’t go around submitting your credentials to McDonalds and expect that they’d call you in to help pick out fabrics for the next restaurant they were opening.

I find that a lot of singles who ‘desperately’ want to marry think that just by showing up in a public venue it will guarantee their success in procuring a mate who shares their interests and moral ideals.

Big mistake!

Choice of venue is just as important. Give it some thought. Think seriously about what you want – then go out and get it. It’s that simple.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

DON'T SELL YOUR SOUL TO THE DEVIL...

noreply@blogger.com (Nick Zegarac) — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 23:12:00 +0000

...or anyone else who's willing to pay

Dear Crabby:

I am going through a messy divorce. So messy, in fact, that my wife’s attorney has now informed my attorney that she intends to ask for not only our house, but our cottage in the Hamptons and my apartment in London. I love that place! My wife’s predilection for accumulating communal property is based on the fact that she is holding all the cards – i.e. she’s the one who caught me spending way too much time on the computer paying for websites that I probably shouldn’t have been surfing in the first place.

These proceedings have really left me dazed and confused. I didn’t think my wife had a leg to stand on but my own attorney informs me that she does and I’ll most likely lose my case in the end. Don’t I have any rights at all?

Drakos in New York

Dear Drak’ in the Sack:

I’m not an attorney so the question of your rights is moot. My first bit of advice to you would be that if at first you don’t succeed consult a better attorney. Yours sounds as though he’s already given up on both you and your case.

With regards to your obvious affection for a place – your London flat – rather than the person – your wife – who was supposed to share it with you…well, I suppose you should have thought more seriously about both the apartment and your wife before wasting your time looking at airbrushed nudie pictures on the net.

Frankly, I’ve never understood why any married man would spend his days and nights looking at 2-D images of other naked women when he could just as easily find a real 3-D naked woman in his own bed.
And just so that we’re clear, I seriously doubt – given your attorney’s statement – that that’s the only reason your wife filed in the first place. I don’t know of a single judge who’ll give a woman every asset in a divorce settlement based solely on her partner’s aggressive foreplay with a keyboard. They’re just zeros and ones, you know.

Be that as it may, it sounds to me like you’ve stepped in it fairly deep and are now looking for a clean place to wipe your clogs. There may or may not be a good matt lying around. Only your attorney and the judge presiding over your hearing will know for sure.

My advice: plan to kiss the London apartment goodbye, along with whatever other assets your wife has attached to her petition. She may or may not get what she’s asking for but I would resign myself to the losses off the bat. That way, anything you do retain you’ll consider gravy rather than sloppy leftovers – which is probably the way your wife is feeling about you right about now.
You haven’t mentioned children, so I will assume there are none (a blessing) – in which case the judge will most likely rule you must keep your wife in the manner to which she has become accustomed. From your brief description, I believe that she has become accustom to quite a lot.

Perhaps, if both parties are willing – you and your wife can work out a time share on these properties you seem to both hold dearer to than your marriage.

I can’t make, or even suggest that this is a reality for you. But my best advice to you now, considering it’s your fault, is to step lively and tread lightly on where you go from here. It’s also fairly important that you remember your Shakespeare: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned…”

Oh yeah, baby. Feel them burns!

Yours truly
The Crabby Critic

Dear Crabby:

I think my wife must be the most sexually frigid human being I have ever met. We’ve been married for three months and I want to try new things. Nothing kinky. Just a different position now and then would be nice. But she doesn’t even want to think it over. Any advice on how to loosen her up?

Ronald in Ballarat Australia

Dear Aussie Adventurer:

I suppose you could start off by telling your wife to stop being a little sex Nazi, only I have a feeling you wouldn’t be very popular in the bedroom then – so, let’s rethink your options. After all, one position is better than none.

Now, before I get a litany of angry female rebukes to my reply, telling me that I have no idea what this particular woman’s problem is, I’m going to step out on my own limb in her defense and tell you that ‘experimentation’ is a term I generally relegate to trying out a new restaurant in town or using a Bunsen burner during some high school science experiment.

However, not even willing to contemplate another position sounds pretty up tight to me. You haven’t explained that your wife was always like this while you were dating, but I’ll have to assume that she was. Women don’t just seize up after the band of gold is affixed to their finger. My best non-educated advice would be that you get to the bottom of your wife’s hang-ups. Don’t just come out with something like “So, what’s your problem?”

Rather, try the tender, enlightened approach.

Start off by asking if there’s anything you haven’t been doing to her that she would like you to or if there’s anything you have been doing that she wishes would just stop. If the answer to either or both questions is ‘yes’ then my next bit of advice is that you adhere to your wife’s requests. After you’ve proven a willingness to comply with her tastes and preferences your wife may very well be more open and receptive to attempting some sort of variation on your behalf to satisfy your needs.

I’d also like to point out that sexual timidity isn’t a bad thing. On the contrary, it illustrates a fundamental truth about your wife’s sexual past; that it probably wasn’t based on a series of wild teenage orgies in the Catskills.

Relax, Ron – you have yourself a good woman who probably just needs to be reassured that you’re not the kind who’s going to open up the Pandora’s Box of kink leading to hot wax, golden showers, bizarre toys, threesomes and live webcam coverage.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

Dear Crabby:

Okay, this is going to sound ridiculous but it’s true. I was at a family picnic three weeks ago. When my mother-in-law – a devote Catholic – asked if I’d like another one of her sister’s homemade donuts I made the off kilter remark, “Oh, I’d sell my soul to the devil for another one of those.”

I meant it as a compliment. The donuts were fantastic. My mother-in-law quietly went to the table, brought back the tray of donuts to where I was and simply patted me on the back before returning to the party.

Since then the woman won’t speak to me. We used to talk two or three times a week on the phone before. Now I find out that she told my husband, her son, that perhaps my faith – or lack thereof - is the reason that we haven’t been able to conceive a child as yet and that perhaps he might want to consider having children with someone else. I mean, honestly – all this over a donut?!?

Becky in Woodland Park, Colorado
Dear Head-Spinner:

On the surface, I’ll admit that to bring up the evil one’s name in conversation to a highly religious woman seems a bit of a ‘well, duh!’ moment to me. I mean, it wasn’t like you just found out yesterday that your mother-in-law took the Bible and her faith very seriously.

But I’ll also reserve the right to suggest herein that mama doesn’t sound quite as stable as she pretends to be if a little light banter about pitchforks and brimstone is enough to convince her that you’re the demon’s seed.

You made a mistake!

Perhaps it was tactless and stupid on your part – in point of fact, it was! But it doesn’t mean that you’re going to start burning live children and house pets in the front yard any time soon.

If you want to smooth this over as quickly as possible, my advice to you is to have your husband bring his mother over to your house for a very heartfelt apology on your part – something so utterly sincere that his mother will instantly see the light, retract her statements, and also be able to have good cause to suspect that the same afterglow of religious fervor is still very much a hallmark of your own spiritual makeup.

Be legit. I don’t think the damage to your relationship is irreversible, but it will take some considerable pussyfooting on your part to get things back on track.

And the next time you feel the sudden need to stupidly bring up Satin in mixed conversation my advice is that you take a wafer and big swig of communal wine and then go to sleep: pray for brains.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

WITCHES, WANDERERS AND WEDDINGS

noreply@blogger.com (Nick Zegarac) — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 20:01:00 +0000

Dear Crabby:

I’m not sure how to handle my mother in law. She’s opinionated, demanding, obtrusive and a nuisance when she’s around. The other night my husband and I had a mixed crowd over and she proceeded to tell everyone how my potato salad wasn’t as good as hers and furthermore, that it probably would never be. “Some people just have it when it comes to cooking,” is what she told everybody. I found myself apologizing for the food I served even though nobody else seemed to complain and there were no leftovers to be had.

Help! Help! HELP!

Clarisa in Madison Wisconsin

Dear Swallowed Whole by the Monster-in-Law:

Reprimanding mama should really be the domain of your hubby. However, since you left any reference to your man out of your question I’ll assume he did nothing to stop the onslaught of maternal abuse and guilt. Ergo, your husband’s still a little boy, rather than a man, when it comes to his own mother. He’s seeking her satisfaction and her favor. Poor you.

Yep, I concur. Your mother-in-law has overstepped her bounds. She needs to be put in her place and fast, so that you can stop stressing over her misperceived inadequacies about you with regard to the proper care and feeding of her little boy.

I am a firm believer in never dwelling on the past. To be clear – it’s okay to look back in reflection from time to time, but those reflections should primarily be focused on the more pleasurable moments and memories of your life and NOT on the mistakes you’ve made.

Still, I think you made a big one at the party. You should NOT have apologized for the food you served, particularly if the dishes that were returned were empty and there were no leftovers. Clearly, others thought enough of your culinary skills to devour every morsel on their plates!

Since we can’t go back to the party, perhaps we can use it as an example to prepare you for the next time this demonic Julia Childs decides to shish ka -barb and skewer her comments in your direction.

First, let’s assume for a moment that this maleficent Martha Stewart was right – your potato salad wasn’t as good as hers…so what? It wasn’t bad either. It also wasn’t spoiled or otherwise not fit to eat. Perhaps in using the term ‘not as good’ your mother-in-law merely meant that your potato salad differed from hers. Okay, I’ll bet the two of you don’t make identical anything. So, what was her point? Clearly, to embarrass you in front of your guests.

Shame on her!

Shame on your husband too, for not sticking up for you and your potato salad!

Bottom line: your mother-in-law may not see you as a lesser when it comes to looking after her child. She may simply be jealous. She needs a challenge to put her in her place and I want you to give it to her. Just remember, whatever you do or say, it cannot appear on the surface as an ultimatum or you’ll be the one who looks like the evil woman.

So, the next time you hear mom tell your guests that she’s a better cook than you I want you to be polite and unnerved and come back with something like,

“Well, that’s an opinion, isn’t it? Maybe I should take you up on that. After all, you’ve had more years in the kitchen. How about we move into my kitchen? You give me pointers and I’ll give it my best shot.”

The onus will then be on her. Either your husband’s mother will want to ‘straighten you out’ in the kitchen or she’ll back down from helping you out because you’ve called her bluff. Either way, you’ll have set a precedent when it comes to your cooking: hands off and pass the potato salad.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

Dear Crabby:

I think my wife is having an affair with her sister’s husband. We had a barbeque two weeks ago in our backyard with a lot of friends and family. There were several moments throughout the afternoon where I caught them spending what I would argue was ‘unhealthy’ friendly time together.

At one point he was holding her around the waist in the pool and at another moment they were slow dancing together. I heard a friend of a friend comment what a ‘lovely couple’ they made because this person assumed my wife and her sister’s husband were she and me!!! I straightened out that confusion pretty quick!

Anyway, there have been other things going on. Two weeks ago my wife said she was going to her sister’s to just hang out. I went to work. A few hours later I called from work to our house and the babysitter told me that my wife still hadn’t come home so I called her sister’s house and he answered and told me that my wife and he were just watching movies. When I asked how his wife was, he told me she was visiting her mother out of state! Clearly, my wife did not go over to her sister’s to spend time with her!

I made up some story about calling home and finding out that one of our children wasn’t feeling well and asked her to go home and she said she would, but an hour later when I called home again the babysitter was still there. I just hung up.

There’s other curiosities to tell too but I won’t because I know this email is already too long.

Any advice? I’m not sure what’s going on.

Jacob in Wyoming

Dear Totally Confused:

You’re not, really. You’re just in denial. There’s fairly good evidence to suspect your wife based on just these two incidents. She’s spending way too much time with her sister’s man. At the very least, their behavior has been inappropriate. He should not be putting his hands on her person – ANYWHERE – but especially around her bare waist in your swimming pool! Your wife should not be choosing her sister’s man over her children while you’re at work!

The most shocking aspect for me is that the rest of your family and friends – save the one misguided person who thought your wife was dancing with you at your barbeque – seem to be utterly nonchalant about accepting the fact. I think, under the circumstances you behaved properly at the barbeque by not interrupting your wife and her sister’s stud. It would have created a scene and who needs it? The less other people are in on their dirty little secret, and the fact that you’re eating your guts over it, the better.

I think you’ve passed the threshold where a good marriage counselor could have made something out of this mishmash. It’s time to consider ending things amicably. The first step; you need to confirm what you already know by confronting your wife about her relationship with her sister’s husband. You also need to find out what her sister thinks about her man slow dancing with her kin. I mean, where was she while all this extracurricular activity was taking place?

I would begin my inquiries with your wife. Make your accusation clear and pointed. Say something like,

“I know what’s been going”

“how much longer did you think I would let this go on?”

It’s a little bit like the penal system in China: guilty until proven innocent.

The onus is on your wife to deny the allegation and defend herself against it. Because you’ve worded the inquiry in such a way that suggests you have concrete knowledge – rather than just a hunch - your wife will be less likely to start her reply with a cover up because she’ll assume you’ve already reached that point where you’ve accepted the affair.

Worst case scenario: your wife confirms your suspicions and asks for a divorce.

Best case scenario: you’ve been hyperactive over nothing and she hates you for a week.

Personally, I don’t think she will. Bottom line, Jake – their presumed affair is on a need to know basis. You NEED to KNOW, because right now you’re driving yourself insane with assumptions.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

Dear Crabby:

My girlfriend is pregnant with our second child and has just informed me that she intends to have a hysterectomy following the birth. When I asked her why she had changed her mind, my girlfriend said she just didn’t feel comfortable bringing more kids into the world when we weren’t married. What a crock! She knew I wanted a big family before we started and now she’s reneging on our deal in the middle of everything. What manipulation! Frankly, I’m more than insulted.

Bob in Chelsea

Dear Bob:

I’m a little miffed myself – but not for your reasons. Second child and no wedding ring? Why not? If she’s good enough to bed she ought to be good enough to wed – particularly when children are involved.

Do you not realize what you’ve created is an unstable living environment about to become very hostile for two innocent people?

You want a bigger family? I think your significant other wants a white dress. Which one of you is going to win this showdown? Sadly, whoever bends over at this point, your children will be the biggest losers because they will be growing up in a house brimming to the rafters with residual resentment. In my opinion you and your girlfriend both made a colossal mistake. She’s just figured that out. You still haven’t let the ramifications sink beyond that thick skull of yours.

I don’t know what your thoughts were when you pondered creating your own city from scratch, but guess what?

Your woman doesn’t fancy living inside the Von Trapp family commune unless Mr. and Mrs. Von Trapp tie the knot!

Perhaps it took her a little too long to come to that decision but I support her decision completely!

Quid pro quo. You supply that familiar band of gold and your girlfriend may consent to providing you with a few more opportunities to populate the earth with your offspring.

Otherwise, you’ll just move on to some new fertile honey that can fulfill your polygamist fantasy and your current gal pal will get stuck with two illegitimate kids that she’ll struggle to feed, since at the crux of your relationship there never was any real game plan for the future! How tragic for those kids!

You want my advice?

Justice of the peace – tomorrow!

I’ll mail you a bag of rice!

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

...JUST A BOWL OF CHERRIES

noreply@blogger.com (Nick Zegarac) — Sat, 14 Jun 2008 00:29:00 +0000

Dear Crabby:

I lost my brother to cancer last year and since then my life doesn’t seem to have meaning anymore. It isn’t that we were two confirmed bachelors, lived together and did practically everything together, but we were also twins. Our parents died when we were very young and we never separated throughout the years. There were girlfriends and such but in the final analysis we decided never to part from one another until my brother became ill last Fall.

I moved into the hospital with him for his care but now that he’s gone I just can’t seem to move on. I don’t know what to do or where to go. Everything just seems utterly pointless. Please, if you can – help me.

Darryl M. in Lavel Quebec

Dear Loyal Sibling and Caregiver:

You’ve been looking out for your brother for so long that in his absence it seems there’s nothing left for you to do. The good news, Darryl is that it just ‘seems’ that way.

It’s time’s like these I wish I had that magic pill or wand or quick reboot so I could just restart the world anew with fresh thoughts. Unfortunately, the ‘power invested in me’ has its limits. While I can’t make you forget the pain you’re feeling right now, perhaps there are a few steps I could suggest to soften the sting of regret that’s so persistent in your life at this moment in time. I want to point out that these steps aren’t ‘cure alls’ – they won’t numb the feelings you’re feeling. But they might change your outlook on the remaining years of your life.

So, Step One:

find some new hobbies to occupy your free time. You said you and your twin did everything together and I suspect that when you do those same activities now – or even think about doing them for that matter – all of the old sorrows over your loss come rushing back like a tidal wave.

My advice would be that you do something that’s out of character – something you and your brother never tried. It could be something as simple as visiting a new bistro in the neighborhood or reading a book you never thought would interest you before. Or it could be something as drastic as taking a vacation to some part of the world that you always wanted to visit but your brother had absolutely no interest in.

Whatever the change is – change, in and of itself, is generally positive in spirit. You wouldn’t be making these changes to spite your brother’s memory. You would be doing it to jump start some new memories for the sake of your own sanity.

Step Two:

get in touch with old friends – or better still – start making some new ones. They can be male or female; platonic or romantic. But test the waters. See what’s out there.

Afford yourself the luxury of companionship without feeling guilty that you’re having a good time with someone who isn’t your brother.

Step Three:

get a pet. I recommend a dog. Dog’s need people, unlike cats who just want their food and fresh water and then hope that you’ll round out your generosity by buzzing off.

A dog is a great companion. No matter what sort of day you’ve had, when you come home those loveable mutts are waiting for you – tails wagging – looking soulfully into your eyes with ‘I love you’ written all over their furry facades. Also, dogs are fairly intuitive. If you’re going through a rough spot, a dog can sense it and will try to be near you to ‘make things right.’

Step Four:

Force yourself to do stuff. I don’t mean just necessities like grocery shopping or gassing up the car. I want you to plan at least one major outing for every week. I don’t care what it is; going to the movies, jogging along the waterfront, signing up for a fitness club, playing tennis, jogging, cycling, hiking, barbequing with friends in the backyard.

I'll rip from Nike here – I want you to ‘just do it!’

No excuses. If you decided today to go for a walk tomorrow but wake up the next morning and discover that it’s raining, then (save the fact that it’s not a twister or hurricane) I want you to pack an umbrella and GO for that walk!

I remember someone telling me that activity merely suggests a life filled with purpose. I would strongly disagree. Activity is purpose. You get in the zone of whatever it is you’re doing and the action becomes a part of your emotional psyche. You feel better doing something that makes you physically productive. So, don’t just sit there staring at the same four walls you remember staring at with your brother. Get out of your shell and your former self. Do it. For yourself and because if you’re brother were here he’d probably be telling you the same thing.

Finally: Step Five:
I want you to do something nice for someone else.

I want it to be a spontaneous selfless act. Nothing grand. If you know someone who’s going through a rough patch like yourself – send them flowers or a singing telegram or a new picture for their office or house. Do it without expecting anything in return – even a phone call. Just put yourself in the other person’s place and become actively involved in what’s going on in somebody else’s life for that moment and see where the inspiration for being charitable will lead. Guaranteed – it won’t lead to boredom or regret.

Above all else, Darryl: losing a loved one is never easy.

No kidding.

It also takes time to massage the emotional wounds to a point where our pain is merely residual rather than all encompassing. I don’t pretend to have the Band-Aid to your problem. But I do know that the more you function as an active participant in the world outside of your own existence, the more likely you are to rediscover that the world at large has a lot more to offer you than the relationship you lost with your brother.

It isn’t that the relationship with your brother wasn’t important. It was. But it’s served its purpose and it’s over. Rediscovering another purpose to take its place is the task set before you now. Embrace it with all the time and personal investment you had in the relationship with your brother and I will guarantee that you won’t be disappointed with your results. Remember, all truly great days begin with a challenge.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

Dear Crabby:

My 24 year old daughter just told us she’s been a lesbian for the last six years. This has my husband very upset. He thinks my daughter’s just confused and that she’ll get over it eventually. What do you think?

Jarlyene in Tennessee

Dear Denial-in-Waiting:

At 24, being a lesbian isn’t a phase or a means of experimentation. It’s a way of life. Most gay men and woman will tell you that they knew from a very early age that they were not attracted to people of the opposite sex. Your daughter’s been a lesbian for six years. She’s probably known she was one for a lot longer. There’s little to suggest she’ll ‘get over it’ – to use your husband’s terminology – and start chasing after boys in tight jeans instead.

I understand where your husband’s coming from. He probably had ideas of walking his little girl down the isle someday and didn’t factor into the equation that the other person waiting at the altar might also be wearing a dress. But your daughter’s revelation needn’t be a tragedy. Most people take a lifetime to figure out who they are. You’re daughter’s already come to that decision.

I think you had better prepare your husband for the very real understanding that his darling girl in pigtails is not going to wind up giving him a slew of grandchildren – at least, not by means of the old fashioned way of procreation. This doesn’t have to be a deal breaker in their daughter/father bond. But if any change is going to occur, then it’s going to have to come from your husband – not your daughter.

Why not try and soften the blow for your husband with some readily apparent truths; starting with the fact that as far as your daughter is concerned – unwanted pregnancy is a non-issue. So is taking to love some creep who’ll batter her silly or rape her or both and then leave her in the back of a dumpster to be discovered by the trash man the next morning.

Finally, remind your husband that he had a life path and decision to make long ago. He made it and now he’s stuck with it. A real man steps up to the plate. Your daughter’s just starting her journey and apparently needs no help skipping with Toto along the yellow brick road.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

Dear Crabby:

My girlfriend’s cheating on me with some guy she barely knows. I know because she told me about him after she met him at a club one night. Now, he’s calling our house and her pager and sending her emails all the time and it’s really starting to piss me off. I told my girlfriend she better not contact this guy anymore but she says she can’t just hang up or stop replying to his emails because it would be rude. I don’t care if it’s rude. How do I get her to stop?

Frank in Melbourne

Dear Heavy on the Urine:

I concur...

I don’t care if it’s rude either.

Neither does your girlfriend!

She’s just using that as an excuse so she can keep her young buck in the saddle in case you decide to bolt for the door. While we’re on the subject – why haven’t you told your girlfriend it’s time she found another place to live? How fat, bald and pathetic are you?

What can I say?

Silly lover, tarts aren’t just for dessert anymore.

Besides, it sounds to me like your trollop is enjoying all the attention she’s getting from the cheap seats. She met some stud at a club and thought nothing of tearing off her clothes at the first ‘come hither’ sign of his advances.

Given the situation, perhaps she even came on to him first. So before you go around blaming the other man in this equation for your girlfriend’s infidelities consider that he might not even know you exist. He might think he’s the only man in her life!

After all, I seriously doubt your live-in walked up to him and said something like “I’m with another man right now and I suppose I love him but he’s out for the evening so let me service you for the night. We could have some rough fun because I’m just that sort of ditch pig…so how about it, sweetie? Wanna rock?”

Gee, now how sexy is that?

I don’t understand men or women who stay in relationships after their partner comes to them with a confession of infidelity. I suppose you’re thinking to yourself ‘Well, at least she was honest enough to confide in me about what she did. I should respect that, right?’

WRONG!

Your girlfriend made a gross error in judgment. Her guilt – and her nerves – probably wore her down and she decided to let you in on her secret before you found out from somebody else. That doesn’t make her honest and it certainly doesn’t excuse her misguided bad behavior.

She doesn’t love you more because she told you what happened. She loves you even less, because now her minor trifle has become your major headache. You’re the one who’s consumed with jealousy over the emails, telephoning and paging her. Your girlfriend?…she just thinks it would be ‘impolite’ to refuse this guy’s advances.

Let me ask you this, Frank – how ‘impolite’ was it for her to go slumming with another while you were off working to pay the rent?

In my opinion, this person who currently shares your bed is not worthy of also sharing your life. She’s clearly discounted your relationship and doesn’t much care if you know that she’ll keep replying to the other guy’s messages.

In her mind – you and she are already a thing of the past. The only reason she’s still taking up space in your living room is because Don Juan hasn’t made a similar offer to her at his abode.

He didn’t want her to stay. He just used her for sex and now he’s calling to use her some more. Apparently, your girlfriend’s not only discounted the life you shared together, she’s also made herself a ‘pick n’ save’ for any horny son of a bartender who’s willing.

Your girlfriend finds that sort of perseverance pretty sexy. You should find it appalling!

Get rid of her now – today – this minute and don’t, under any circumstances, look back!

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

MUSCLED UP OR BOUND BY OBSESSION?

noreply@blogger.com (Nick Zegarac) — Fri, 23 May 2008 19:33:00 +0000

Dear Crabby:

What are your thoughts on professional bodybuilding? I only ask because I have a nephew who’s just turned 16 and is absolutely obsessed with the sport. His mother and I worry about the dark side of things – eg. steroids and so on. But my nephew wants a weight set for his birthday. Any advice you can offer would be appreciated.

Doris in Manatoba

Dear Doris with Dumbbells:

You’ve asked two very different separate questions; the first regarding what is laughingly consider ‘pro’ and ‘a sport’; the second – an inquiry about becoming physically fit. So, permit me to answer these polar opposite concerns in turn, with the disclaimer that I, of course, am not a physician.

First, pro-bodybuilding – whether it’s circa 1970s in the good ol’ Arnold Schwarzenegger days or today – has always been a relatively crude competition exclusively marketed and at the mercy of illegal drug abuse. Not that you can convince any pro-bodybuilder of it – especially when they’re peaking during their pre-competition phase.
No, some hulking 300lb. brute will have no shame in going before a television camera with biceps the size of most average men’s thighs and declare that he built such extraordinary girth through vitamin supplementation, healthy eating and sheer will power alone. To admit otherwise would force a competitor out of competition.

The hypocrisy within the ‘sport’ is that no one minds what you’re doing as long as you don’t talk about it. Ah me, such is the self-delusion that will believe any lie.

Yet, year after year we see a healthy sampling of these ‘unhealthy professionals’ succumb to a barrage of ailments, even death, while still in their late twenties and early thirties.

So, does every bodybuilder on steroids die early of a side effect?

No, just as not every chronic alcoholic will die of liver disease or a car wreck.

However, most juicing it up will experience some sort of unwanted physical negation.

For every physician who goes on record claiming steroid abuse provided the catalyst for these illnesses there are two or three others – usually funded by some pharmaceutical company exploiting young impressionable men as their guinea pigs – who will suggest that any illness, whatever it may be, was destined to happened to the individual in question with or without steroids filtered into the equation.

To be clear – steroids are an accelerant, nothing more.

They DO NOT actually build muscle!

You still have to pick up the weights and do that for yourself. What steroids do is alter the body’s natural chemistry in such a way so that its growth hormone (testosterone) levels are thrown entirely out of whack.

The surge of false energy that follows convinces the mind that the body is stronger than it actually is and, as a result, a man on steroids can lift more weight, harder and for longer periods of time, so that the body is thrown into overdrive 24/7.

With that much physical abuse, the body is forced into a growth spurt cycle that never ends. An average man can pack on twenty to forty pounds of lean mass in just under a month. Doubling doses and ‘cycling’ doses – from one drug to the next – can maximize the intake period of these drugs into a perpetual assault of oral and needle injected drug abuse that never allows the body to fully recover.

There are all sorts of different steroids.

Not all of them do the same thing.

Some help build mass – which, at some level involves water retention - while others support a ‘cutting phase’ where the body becomes excessively dehydrated, giving the illusion that the muscles are larger and tighter than they are since all of the liquid between them and the surface skin has been urinated or sweated from the body.

The problem with steroids is that they accelerate not only the external appearance of the body but also its internal workings. Heart rate and blood pressure rise and the aging processes go into overdrive, wearing out such vital organs as the heart, liver, lungs and kidneys.

Worse, steroids often force the body’s natural production of testosterone into remission – which means that once you get off these drugs you don’t simply atrophy (shrink) to the size you were before you started your cycle, but you reduce to a level of functioning that is less than what your former self was capable of.

I understand perfectly why your nephew is ‘obsessed’ with the sport in general and bodybuilders in particular.

Outwardly, most of today’s bodybuilders have adopted the freakish physical appearance of comic book super heroes like the Incredible Hulk. That’s a powerful and intoxicating image to aspire to; the envy of other men and the ideal for many women.

After all, when you’re a boy and you desperately want to be a man, why be average when super human is so much more appealing?

And anyway, artists of humanity have always had a curious predilection for extolling the virtues of an overtly muscular male form: Michelangelo’s statue of David (right) and his painting of the very chiseled hand of God touching a rock solid naked man’s (below) being but two prime examples.

You would do wise to point out to your nephew – or, more ideally have some male figure illustrate the point for you – that the irony of bodybuilding on steroids is that it makes you look as though you could uproot an entire tree and carry it over one shoulder like a match stick, but in actuality these drugs have weakened virtually all normal functions within the body – including physical strength. Bodybuilders on steroids are frequently prone to bouts of lethargy, physical exhaustion and mental blackouts and these symptoms only increase as the drug abuse wears on.

What I find quite serious and rather disturbing about young boys who want to become professional bodybuilders today is how warped their perspective on self body image actually is. This rarely gets discussed, but boys who desire that extreme bizarre shape of a pro bodybuilder for themselves are, at least in my opinion, suffering from a similar malaise that afflicts teen girls who never seem to get thin enough to suit their own diluted image of physical perfection a la the super model/anorexia syndrome.

For these boys, an average or even slightly above average male physique doesn’t appear normal.

It isn’t enough to have a washboard stomach.

The abdominals must be protruding from the midsection like a six pack of hearty English muffins tightly packed in a breakfast tin.

Biceps are not big enough unless every vein is thick and popping around a mass of flesh the size of a football.

The chest must be so bulbous that its nipples are pointing downward from the swollen muscle.

Thighs must be so broad that it is physically impossible to put one’s legs together with both calve muscles touching.

And even if this disproportionate physique is attained, the goal of being bigger than big is never quite reached to their full satisfaction of the bodybuilder. As time wears on, setbacks of either illness or injury lead to inevitable pauses in their regular workout regime with a reduction in their girth that these boys find appalling – even depressing.

There are too many reasons to list herein as to why super huge is a bad idea. Suffice it to state for the record that personal mobility, finding clothes that actually fit and frequent outbreaks of surface acne fall to the bottom of this list of negatives when one is facing drug induced leukemia or a malignant brain tumor.

Finally, steroids – though readily available in every venue from the high school gym to the local health club – are against the law.

Possession as well is selling can net some hefty jail time. And anyway – since we all know it is virtually impossible to have a twenty inch waste and sixty-two inch chest at the same time without artificial help is there really any point in being proud of any achievement that is not entirely yours to take credit for?

There - so much for the first part of your question. As per part two, my advice is quite simple and infinitely shorter to digest: buy your nephew his weight set.

WHAT?!?

Why not?

There’s nothing wrong with getting into peak physical condition the old-fashioned way; through hard work, eating properly and exercising regularly. Resistance training with weights will give your nephew a different body than the one he has now and one he can look in the mirror at without feeling guilty.

Bottom line:

you can’t fast track your way to a better body!

Slow and steady wins the race every time. If your nephew doubts this old adage, tell him that it took sixteen years – from birth to 16 – to properly develop him into his current physical condition.

Yours truly
The Crabby Critic

ONE FOR THE HISTORY BOOKS?!?

noreply@blogger.com (Nick Zegarac) — Wed, 21 May 2008 18:09:00 +0000

Dear Crabby:

Okay. I’m just wondering if you heard the latest absurd sound byte from Democratic Presidential nominee Barack Obama where he said we – the American people - can’t expect to drive our SUVs, eat all we want or cool our houses to 72 degrees?

Is he serious? I thought the guy was a joke for sitting in the front pew of Rev. Wright’s America-hating church for so many years, but this latest blurb has me livid.

I can’t say I’m much of a supporter for the other two incumbents either. There, I feel much better now.

Denise in Michigan

Dear Livid in Your Living Room:

I think it just proves that the once misperceived Teflon-coating of Barack Obama as the patron saint of ‘hope’ and pied piper of ‘change’ - ‘the magic negro’ (as, so coined by Rev. Al Sharpton) has finally begun to tarnish. I suppose it is better that the American people learn what the ‘great man’ is thinking now instead of later.

How serious Barack is about having everyone sweat-soaked, emaciated and riding tricycles about town remains to be seen.

With all his money and power, you just know whatever levies he’s thinking to impose on Americans will be most impacting on the middle and poor classes; the two biggest percentages of the population currently fueling the American economy.

Oh well, perhaps like John Edwards – it’ll be the other of the ‘two Americas’ that gets it in the neck. Either way, how Presidential is that, I ask you?

My greater concern with regards to Barack Obama is his overall inability to handle public criticism – except with all the sulking snide self-pity of a third grader who has just flunked his first math test. Do you realize that Obama went live on Good Morning America to forewarn the press that they should lay off commenting about his wife Michelle...

…“or else”?

Or else what?!?

How dare he even attempt to throttle – much less threaten – the free press?

At first it was just his ears that we couldn’t talk about. Then it was his middle name ‘Hussein.’ Then it was his grandma and later, his pastor Rev. Jeremiah Wright. And wasn’t it Obama who, when recently asked by polite Channel 7 Action News reporter, Peggy Agar to make a comment, replied with words to the effect of -

“Hold on, sweetie!!!”

Oh, now there’s a progressive attitude toward women in the work force!

I have news for Barack Obama; any spouse who is publicly campaigning for their hubby or wife to be the next commander and chief is FAIR GAME for open critique and/or criticism from the press – especially when that spouse comes up with such idiotic prose in her own campaign rallying as -

“for the first time in my adult life I’m proud of my country.”

A great American naturalist once wrote, “My country, right or wrong…” to express what true patriotism means.

Apparently, this quote never made it into the Obama house nor did it find its way into one of Rev. Wright’s hell fire and ‘serves you right’ sermons - of which many were undoubtedly taken to heart by Barack and Michelle.

The more we all learn about Obama and the little woman before the pending November elections the better off voters will be to make a more educated decision about the sort of leader they can expect next in the White House. In that sense, Obama’s campaign has been far more transparent than either of his opponents.

He’s just inexperienced enough to keep putting his feet in his mouth – sometimes two at a time.

And even when he runs out of toes, Michelle’s on tap to loan him a few of her own.

With regards to the other incumbents still in the race, John McCain is an unknown quantity – though clearly more left of center than the Republican Party would like. There’s no precedence to accurately set the tone for his political administration so, tragically, we have to take him at his word – always a frightening prospect.

Hillary?

Well, I suppose I could run the old Dr. Phil cliché of ‘…the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior’ to do a snap analysis of a future Clinton White House.

In the past, the Clintons ran one of the most disreputable, backstabbing and cold-hearted political dog and pony shows of the last 100 years.

Oh, ho – you might say…that was Billy’s bureaucracy. He’s the one who took his lumps from Monica in private and for her in the press; the one who pardoned known terrorists as his last act of benevolence while President; the sly politico that bombed the former Yugoslavia into oblivion coincidentally to defuse his own impeachment hearings off the front page of the New York Times; the man who absconded with some personal gifts and White House China as his parting gifts; the complicit fellow who passively allowed members of his close cabinet to sabotage White House computer records that made the initial assimilation of Bush II into the Oval Office as awkward as possible.

Yes, you could say all of that...

...and it would be true!

Maybe so. But to anyone who thinks Hil’ was just a happy-go-lucky virginal little princess, dulcet and intoxicating, doing needle-point in the next room with her prayer book close at hand while Bill ran 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue like a brothel, I have just two words for reconsideration

– Vince Foster!

I think that gives us all a special glimpse into how a Clinton White House: Part II – The Revenge would be play itself out.

So, who's 'ready on day one'?

As far as this commentator is concerned - no one! How sad!

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

THE ART OF KEEPING EVERYTHING IN BALANCE

noreply@blogger.com (Nick Zegarac) — Mon, 19 May 2008 14:16:00 +0000

Dear Crabby:

I just realized that my seventeen year old daughter has a sizeable tattoo of a dove on her back, just above her tail bone. The only reason I saw it was that I just happened to be in the laundry room where she was hunched into the dryer to get some of her clothes. She had low rise jeans (at least I think that’s what they are) and a short top that separated as she bent into the dryer.

Anyway, I’m shocked that she didn’t tell her father or me about it. I didn’t say anything to my daughter about the tattoo, just pretended like it wasn’t there or that I didn’t see it. My concern now is if she won’t talk to me about a tattoo what else is she keeping secret?

Debbie, Sevier Arkansas

Dear Worried About Nothing':

What else, indeed?

Now, before you dive off the deep end of parental paranoia and start envisioning drug induced ménage a trois with your daughter as the fluff and tango girl, let’s bring this ‘discovery’ down to size.

It’s just a tattoo – and of a dove, of all things! If your daughter had come to you and said, “Hey, I’m getting a tattoo,” would you have said, “You go, girl” and “let me drop you at the parlor” or would you have been one of these irate straight-laced prigs who equates a tattoo with hitting bongs and riding gunshot on a Harley Davidson with some three hundred pound hog named ‘Biff’?

Much as I hate tattoos for myself – but can appreciate them on somebody else - I cannot argue with the fact that a goodly percentage of the population enjoys adding ‘body art’ to their frames.

Aside: My predilection for a tattoo-free zone on my carcass stems from an innate and general fear of needles, as well as from the realization that if I live long enough I’m going to be the goofy looking old saggy guy with a skull and crossbones wrinkled up on that giggly lump that used to be a bicep. Remember, what looks sexy at 20 rarely gives off the same vibe at 85!

Breathe easier, Deb’.

I don’t think a dove on your daughter’s backside means she’s going to start turning tricks for the legislature anytime soon in a free-lovin’ retro-hippie sort of way.

Although, in Bill Clinton’s state anything’s possible.

Now, if you’re curious as to whom other than you, will be able to see that tattoo in such an obscure location – then, perhaps that’s a conversation you and your daughter ought to have about boys, sex and such. Arguably, any tattoo near one’s butt crack hasn’t been put there for the pleasure of the person wearing it.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

Dear Mr. Crabby:

My mom and dad are getting divorced I think. I mean they’ve been arguing for a couple of weeks about some woman my dad took to a restaurant last week that my mom says she didn’t know about but found out because my Aunt Sylvia was there and saw them. I don’t know much more because when things start getting spacey my mom tells me to go to my room. But they shout a lot at each other and my dad usually slams the door and goes out for a long time. I’m scared. What should I do?

Stacey in Alamosa, Colorado

Dear Tender Lonely Heart:

How I wish there were times when I could wipe out all adult stupidity some people subject their children to. From what you’ve told me, Stacey, I think it’s safe to assume that your father and the woman he took to the restaurant are more than just friends.

What can I say?

Just because some people are fully grown on the outside doesn’t mean that they’re necessarily mature enough to handle adult responsibilities.

There are a few things I’d like you to know.

First, you’re not to blame for anything that’s happening between your mom or dad. They both love you just as much as they did before all of this unhappiness.

So, you shouldn’t feel guilty – as though you think you might have done something wrong, or could have fixed things by changing something you did in the past. This situation – whatever it may be – has absolutely nothing to do with you.

Second, although it may seem as though one or both of your parents might be the ‘bad guy’ in what’s going on, I want you to keep an open mind. You’re young and, as strange as this may seem, one or both of your parents might start to rely on you for support. That’s okay.

However, you have every right and expectation not to be used as a go-between your mother and father. If one or the other or both starts telling you stuff – bad stuff, I mean – in the hopes that you’ll like one parent more than the other, you should just tell that parent that “I really don’t need to know this,” and then quietly walk away. I’m not suggesting that either your mom or dad is bad people. However, in getting back at one another, parents often forget that they hurt the one person who is a part of them both.

That’s you!

Third, I want you to find the very best friend or family member that you can trust. You know; someone who really thinks your good people and loves you just as much as you love yourself – which is a lot, right?

You have to be comfortable enough with this person to tell them everything that’s going on at home with the understanding that they won’t turn around and tell everyone else your story. Only tell this one person what you know and what you’re feeling. Then I want you to stay close to this person and rely on them when things get too crazy for you at home.

You’re going to be alright, Stacey.

I know it doesn’t seem so just now, but you’re going to have to take my word for it. Life will get better and so will you. Remember to smile, keep positive and always think the best of yourself. Confidence will see you through. And, if you ever need someone to talk too and no one else is around, at least you know you can write to me here and I’ll listen with an open mind and an understanding heart.

Thinking of you even as you read this with good thoughts and prayers.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

Hey, Crabby:

I’m seeing an ex of one of my friends. We started seeing each other two years after she and my friend broke up. Before I started going out with her I ran it by my friend who told me that he didn’t care at the time.

Only now when I hang out with him he treats me differently – not bad, but somehow as though I’m not quite his friend anymore. I know I’m not imagining this. It’s real. Any advice on how to get things back to where they were before?

Lester in Toronto, Canada

Dear Les’ is More:

You’re going to have to make a choice – your buddy or his ex-girl. Pick one and move on.

See, this is why I don’t encourage men or women to date their friends of friends who were once intimate partners with one another. It never works out in the end. Emotional baggage always gets in the way.

You did everything right.

You didn’t steal this babe from your bro and you gave his separation from her a reasonable cooling off period before you decided to take his playmate for a test drive.

Even though your best bud said he didn’t care about you horning in on his ex, clearly, he did and does! In his eyes you’re now the guy who’s getting his tune up at the fill station that only used to service one car under the hood. My advice to you would be to see less of him and more of his ex – that is, if you’re serious about her.

If he’s a real man, he’ll eventually come around, realize that his own happiness was never tied to hers, and, eventually respect the fact that even though it didn’t work out for them it’s managed to do wonders for someone he knows. Just be prepared; he might also be the petty sulking jealous type who decides he never wants to talk to either of you ever again. It happens.

All’s fair in love and war – except when it’s revolution!

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

Dear Crabby:

I’d like to divorce my husband and make a play for his brother. Let’s get something straight. My husband’s brother doesn’t know I’m alive. He’s married with two kids. My husband doesn’t know I like his brother. I don’t think he realizes much. He thinks just because he’s happy everyone else is. Well, I’m not. I haven’t been for some time. I don’t know when my life became such a drag but there it is. I’m not happy. What should I do?

Stevie in Hillsborough New Hampshire

Dear Miss-Guided:

You’re under the self delusion that your life will become the Garden of Eden, full of eternal hearts and flowers if you ditch your hubby and shack up with his married brother. Oh, wake up and take another bite out of the apple, dear. Not only will you be responsible for ruining your own marriage but you’ll also be that notorious ‘other woman’ who home-wrecked a happy life for two innocent kiddies.

Would you really be happy playing the part of the backstabbing bitch?

I don’t know anyone who would.

First of all, you haven’t given me any real quantification for your unhappiness. Your husband, although not as attentive as you might like, isn’t really out to make you miserable. If he were, you would have said as much in your email. So, let’s get down to basics. You’ve convinced yourself you’re unhappy when all you probably are is bored.

You’ve equated your own happiness to someone ‘making’ it for you. While we’re on the subject, let’s ditch the term ‘happiness’ because it’s utterly misleading. Happiness implies that you’re smiling 24/7 and floating on some love struck ether.

Let’s try being content instead of happy. It’s a much more level headed approach to finding true peace in this world.

Often in relationships it happens that when the bloom of initial excitement gives way to real time daily challenges either the husband or the wife begin to contemplate the life choices they’ve made. That isn’t to say either has made the wrong choice. However, once the mind has made itself up to find the flaws instead of the bright spots these imperfections tend to start popping out everywhere and gradually, to obliterate all that was good and worthwhile in the relationship.

You need to get back to that place where everything was good and worthwhile.

If you’re husband’s still contented with you, chances are he has good reason to be. This means you haven’t started playing the ‘bitch’ just yet – at least, not in his eyes.

To misquote Martha Stewart – “This is a good thing!”

Since you didn’t mention that you’re husband’s a nine hundred pound slob who doesn’t bathe regularly, slaps you around and farts on cue while his brother is a paragon of virile masculinity leads me to believe that your fleeting infatuation with your husband’s brother isn’t about trading up for a newer and more attractive model. You just see your life with your husband’s brother as different.

No kidding!

It would have to be. No relationship on earth is a duplicate of any other. And for a while, you would find excitement in the newness of that relationship – even under the most heart-wrenching of circumstances. You’d revel in his brother’s idiosyncrasies and think he was just the most incredible human being you’d ever known.

You might even find it in yourself to relish the role of weekend step-mama. Eventually, however, you’d awaken to the realization that you were once again ‘unhappy’ ergo ‘bored’ with your life, only now you’d have to start looking outside the family gene pool for the next diversion.

Bottom line, Stevie – the discontentment you currently feel isn’t with your husband; it’s within you and that inner boredom will follow you wherever you roam and with whomever you decide to take the journey.

My advice: go outside and pluck some dandelions.

Roses are for the idyllic romance. But dandelions are a reminder that no relationship is an Eden without a few weeds.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

Dear Crabby:

I don’t think I’ll ever get married. I’d like to but it doesn’t seem to be happening. I’ve gone through it in my head a million times. I’m 35, reasonably attractive and quite successful but I don’t seem to attract the sort of women I’d like to settle down with. All of my guy friends are married except for one who is engaged. I’m going to be his best man at the wedding this Fall. Anyway, I feel like there’s something wrong with me. Is there?

Bruce in Houma Louisiana

Dear Forgotten Man:

As one single gent to another I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you. Frankly, I don’t think you think there’s anything wrong with you either.

More than likely you’ve been getting the “So, when are you going to get married?” pressure cooker treatment from friends and family who just assume from their own limited experience that marriage is the natural next step for you.

Perhaps it is, but I doubt it. You say you want to marry but something’s been holding you back. I don’t believe that. I don’t think you do either. Anyone can find a mate. It’s simple and if you’re smart, fun to be with, reasonably attractive and financial sound you’ve probably had your pick of woman who desperately wants to be the one on your arm.

That none of these gals have made a successful impression on you thus far means you’ve been discerning in your options. I salute that. After all, there’s a distinct difference between settling down and just settling!

I used to get asked this same annoying question all the time. “Why aren’t you married?” When it first started to happen my replies were tart, as in “None of your business” or “When you get divorced, I’ll get married.”

Evidently, I misperceived the question as prying and thought I’d fix all that probing by clobbering the asker with a what for and what not. Now, I realize that some people – under the rubric of ‘misery loves company’ - will always be fascinated by those of us who refuse to take the plunge.

Don’t take it to heart, Bruce.

Some people were born to marry and others weren’t. I’d rather be a single contented man than someone who popped the question to a girl I sort of liked just because my years on this planet had gained momentum onto middle age.

Remember that life’s too short, but with the wrong person at your side it can be an eternity - and not one by Calvin Klein!

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

Dear Crabby:

Sex just isn’t any fun anymore. Let me explain. I married my high school sweetheart when the two of us were finishing college. The next year I had our first son. We have two boys and one girl. Our oldest is getting ready to go to college. Lately, I find I just don’t want to have sex with my husband. I’m still crazy about the guy and cherish our times spent together – we do practically everything as one – but intimacy just doesn’t seem to be on my ‘to do’ list these days. Am I weird or what?

Francis, Janesville Wisconsin

Dear Stalemate:

No. You’re not weird.

Things change. I used to make the Band-Aid comment – with regards to young couples making bad romantic choices – that, it was a genuine pity genitalia matured faster than intellect. I am now willing to concede – at least in some cases - that hormonal spark is absolutely necessary to launch most people into connubial orbit so that life as we know it can grow and move on.

Besides, in your case you didn’t make a bad choice. You made a life one! If your husband is running a parallel course with your decision there’s no reason why you two won’t be happy in the future. The fact that you didn’t mention him as the kind who’s pressuring for more than you’re willing to give leads me to think the two of you are exactly where you should be – in each others hearts – even if things have become sporadic in each other’s arms.

You’ve entered a new phase in your relationship and it doesn’t place so much emphasis on sexual intimacy. That’s inevitable in most partnerships. But you’ve realized a fundamental more important than shared bodily fluids; shared mindset, likened goals and personal interests outside the bedroom. That makes you and your husband ‘genuine soul mates.’ Congrats’, Fran’. You’re one in a million!

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

Dear Crabby:

I don’t think you’re crabby at all. In fact, I think you’ve gone soft in the head. I used to like it when you slammed people for their behavior but lately all I get is some candy ass feel good from your column. What gives? Where’s the old ‘hell fire’ kind’a guy I used to look up to?

Dave in Doaktown New Brunswick

Dear Boondocks Fluff-Muffin:

First of all, I think it should be pointed out that I have never ‘slammed people for their behavior’ – only for behavior that, in my not so humble opinion I felt was unbecoming of the human animal at its most enlightened;

ergo – ‘bad’ behavior!

While it’s probably true that I’ve mellowed somewhat since I first started this column I have to say that listening in on other people’s problems has provided me with a new perspective on people in general. So permit me to enlighten you on the prospects of your fellow man and/or woman…at least, as I’ve come to see them.

People are just people. To be certain, there are psychopathic individuals among us – people who derive great strength and pleasure from other people’s pain, misfortune, suffering and mistakes. I suspect you’ve guess by now that I’m not one of these.

And, although I’ve no hard data to back up this claim, I suspect that most people who are currently suffering – either by their own hand or at someone else’s – are not psychopathic, but just generally very unhappy individuals. To those who fall into this latter category and who write in to this column I reserve the right to listen with an open mind and unbiased heart. After all, I’ve no personal stake in what happens to my readership.

Sure, I still come across the arrogant twitter-head or numb nut who thinks nothing of simultaneously impregnating three women with his demon seed, then wonders why I want to bash him in his badoobies with a baseball bat or recommend chemical castration.

However, such morons are few and far between. Most of the people who write to me are just looking for sincere advice. I’m not entirely certain why they’ve chosen me. Perhaps I’ll never understand it. However, if the question is legitimate I don’t see why my response to it should be anything but!

You’ve decided that I should hate the world or at least the people who write to me. That my desire in operating this column is as a sort of psychopathic figure who shouldn’t seek to diffuse the problem but amplify it – even blow it out of proportion so that others such as yourself can read on and laugh at someone’s expense.

Sorry, can’t do it!

How sad is it that you would prefer a critic who would urinate all over someone else’s misfortunes rather than try to provide them with a blueprint that might help fix their problems? Perhaps you should start your own blog…something petty along the lines of ‘if you haven’t anything nice to say, come sit next to me.’

Or simply continue to read me herein and feel as though I’ve let you down. Either way, you’ll never convince me that selfish arrogance and miserly condemnation are the great pacifiers to human suffrage.

Yours truly
The Crabby Critic

QUESTIONS, CONFUSIONS & QUANDARIES

noreply@blogger.com (Nick Zegarac) — Sun, 30 Mar 2008 23:27:00 +0000

Dear Crabby:

I think my daughter might be the victim of an online sexual predator. She’s fourteen and started talking to some boy named ‘Jake’ a few months back. But last week a man called our house. My husband took the call. He asked when our daughter would be home and told her to dress nice and tight…clearly he didn’t know he was talking to my husband.

Anyway, my husband said the man sounded fairly mature – though there’s no way of knowing for sure. My husband also told this man that if he ever came by out house he’d be a dead man.

When we confronted our daughter when she came home from school she confided in us that she’s been receiving very ‘weird’ emails from ‘Jake’ and let me have a look at some of them. They are disturbing to say the least. The shirtless boy in the profile looks about 18 but my husband says the man on the telephone sounded about 40.

I want to contact the authorities. My husband thinks the guy is just a crank and it will pass. What do you think?

Sincerely,
Jesoline in Merrill Wisconsin

Dear Jesoline:

I think your husband needs to take a more proactive stance against this fruit-loop who’s harassing your daughter…or start preparing a snapshot of her for the back of a milk carton right now!

Are you serious?!?
You need me to tell you this?

Do you have any idea how many little girls and boys go off to school each day after talking to someone on line and then never come home again?!?!?

Here are a few things I want you to do
– right NOW!

First, I want you to call your local authorities pronto. If I were you I’d have them on speed dial. Talk to an officer involved in internet identity theft and kiddy porn/sex crimes because that’s exactly what this ‘crank’ correspondence is shaping up to be.

Depending on where you live and the size of your law enforcement you may not have an officer dedicated to such crimes. If your local police station doesn’t have someone in charge of this particular unit, I still want you to talk to an officer – not some phone jockey – and get an email contact so that you can forward ALL of the correspondences this weirdo has sent to your daughter to the officer investigating your case.

Second, I want you to go into your daughter’s bedroom and disconnect the internet and the computer and relocate both to a more central part of your house where you and your husband can keep an eye on her while she’s using it. At fourteen, she may need a computer for school work, but that’s about all she needs it for and she can do her work from the comfort and safety of your living room just as easily as she can from her bedroom.

If your daughter complains about this decision, as in “I need my privacy” simply explain to her that personal privacy and a computer – like a telephone (which is the other instrument of technology I want you to yank out of her bedroom after you read this) is a privilege – NOT A RIGHT!

She doesn’t have that right any more!

Your daughter’s already proven that her hormones have run away with her head. She’s also shown a decided lack of good judgment by falling for the posted image of some 17 year old shirtless stud – who’s probably a middle-aged potbelly pervert doing sick things to himself in his rat infested basement apartment while he’s typing ‘sick-nothings’ to your kid on the internet with greasy thumbs.

I’m not an alarmist, Jesoline – but the last thing this world needs is another prepubescent body dragged out of a dumpster or abandoned field. I’m counting on you to make sure this scenario doesn’t play itself out.

Finally, I want you to get your husband to get a grip on reality. This ‘crank’ is serious about your kid otherwise he would have forgotten about her after one or two emails. He’s developed a real taste for talking to your daughter and that won’t likely go away just because she’s decided she doesn’t want to play the game anymore.

Get busy. There’s lots to do. And best of luck.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

Dear Crabby:

I’m sick of dating. I’m 28 and I go out with men who act more like boys. They don’t interest me. I get bored real fast. Any advice on what to do to attract a guy who thinks about more than his bling and Gameboy.

Frieda in Sullivan New Hampshire

Dear Gal with the Grief:

Stop dating Democrats.

(I’m kidding!)

Seriously though, you may be gravitating to the same old circle instead of branching out for more options. There’s something about you that says ‘I Like Immaturity’ and I’m not exactly sure what that might be. You’ll have to figure it out for yourself. I can give you a few pointers.

First up – a very old cliché:

Clothes make the man!

I’m not suggesting that you only go after the power broker and politico set in their business suits, dress shoes and carrying attachés with their cell phones glued to their ears. However, if, when you first meet some guy he’s generally unkempt; long greasy hair, wearing his baseball cap turned backwards, chewing bubble gum in open0toed sandals with feet that haven’t been washed since the Reagan administration while carrying his skateboard tucked under one smelly armpit – then that might be a definite indicator of exactly where his mindset is.

Second – avoid the ‘club’ scene!

I don’t know of a single personal friend who found a lasting relationship after the third “ooo, you look kind’a sexy there, girlfriend.”

True, some people do marry the guy they meet while shaking their business like a hoochy mama in heat – but generally that guy isn’t a man of quality interested in more of your intellect than your booty.

Third – be up front.

This one sounds easy enough but I am amazed at how many people don’t even know the basics about the person clinging to their arm.

Two examples: I have an impulsive friend who told me he was thinking of taking a girl he’d just met to bed because she was hot. When I asked him what color her eyes were my friend had to confess that he didn’t know.

Clearly, eyes weren’t first on his list of things to ogle but I should think that anyone worth bedding is worth recognizing in a crowd first!

Maybe that’s just my mistake!

I have another friend who married last month and only recently discovered that his new wife wants a big family. He’s an only child and doesn’t want ANY kids.

Oh, right!

Like that one’s going to work itself out to a happy conclusion!

Now, when I say ‘up front’ I don’t mean you have to find out whether the guy you’re interested in is circumcised, enjoys cow-tipping and likes to shoot heroin biweekly while watching fetish porn. Remember, people rarely present that side of themselves they don’t want others to see in public.

However, you can jump start the conversation and learn a lot about the other person by mentioning things in a third party context. In other words, if you want to know if a guy wants a family you don’t say, “So, you wanna have kids?”

Instead you say something like, “Gee, the other day a girlfriend told me her guy hates kids and she’s known him for almost a year. Can you believe that?”…then see where the question leads.

If the guy says, “Hey, I’m down with that! Kids suck!” and you want twelve running around the house by the time your 35 then this cat is not the right howl for you!

Last, but not least – I find too many people these days desperate to marry because ‘time is flying.’ That’s the WRONG reason to get together with ANY ONE – either on a pay per view basis or more lasting relationship!

Love is not an Easter Egg Hunt!

You don’t get first prize for discovering the rabbit in his pocket before the next gal!

If you see someone who interests you and they haven’t noticed you from afar, it’s perfectly acceptable to make the first move; reach out and touch someone. But after the initial contact’s been made it’ll be up to you to find out what else is right and wrong with them.

If all else fails I suppose you could take out an ad in the lovelorn section of the Classifieds:

Classy woman seeking mate with real moral values, solid judgment and a sense of self. PS – No Gameboys allowed!

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

Dear Crabby:

I think I’m a man. I mean, I think I want to be one. I was born a woman and according to my parts I am one still today. But inside I’ve never felt feminine. I like all the guy things. But here’s the problem. I have this huge crush on this guy in high school. But I’m not a girlie-girl. Is there something wrong with me?

Phoebe in Pontiac

Dear Phoebus:

Well, that’s what our name would technically be if you became a dude for real.

But I want to get a few things straight in my head first. One, you say you don’t feel feminine, but you haven’t really defined what ‘feminine’ is for you. Your comment about not being a girlie-girl suggests to me that you’re more into blue jeans/T-shirts than high-heels and nylons. So was Katharine Hepburn. So what?

You also hint about ‘some guy’ in ‘high school’. I’ll take that to mean that you’re also in high school – at least I hope so; otherwise we’re taking about a middle-aged transvestite who’s into picking up little boys. E-yuck!

Okay, now let’s get serious!

The fact that you’re boy crazy leads me to deduce that you haven’t a lesbian bone in your body. So, ‘becoming a man’ just to have artistic license to wear manly attire doesn’t really sit well with me. That doesn’t mean that you might not be gay. I mean, if you want this other man as a man than you might have male homosexual tendencies. I don’t know this for a fact. You’ll have to ask and answer that question for yourself.

Do you want this boy in high school to take you in his arms as you are right now – a.k.a. with a vagina – or, as you would be if you two both came from the same anatomical junk yard?

When you say you like guy things – apparently you also like the guys who can do guy things.

That makes you a Tom Boy all right.

It doesn’t make you transgender.

So, let’s drop these options and discuss what I think is the real problem at hand.

You want to meet some guy in your class but are afraid that he won’t like you because you’re into the same stuff he is. Here’s a flash – have you considered how ‘hot’ that prospect might be for him?

I mean, most girls hate talking football stats and tuning up cars. If you can do both and so can he you might have an instant lead in to this guy’s heart that the gal applying her war paint and hiking up her skirt in the girl’s bathroom has not. Okay, stereotypes aside – maybe you’ll always be like a sister…er – brother…to him rather than the gal he wants to take to the senior prom.

But I think you’re approaching this all wrong. If you can read this guy and know he’s after a prom queen, but fancy yourself more the aggressive pit bull, then I suppose one of two things have to happen. Either you’re going to have to soften your image to suit him or he’s going to have to accept you for what you look like.

If you’re confident enough in yourself to make this work without a quick trip to the hair salon and cosmetics counter then I say ‘Go for it!’ Give it your best shot. If he shoots you down for trying then he’s not the right guy for you and its better you find out now.
If, on the other hand, your personality wins him over – and in my opinion, personality goes a hell of a lot farther than rouge and eye shadow – then you’ve scored a point for your side and on your own terms. That’s most admirable.

Finally, I’d be interested in knowing what it is exactly that you don’t like about girlie-girls. Is it that you don’t like the actual dressing up in all the many softer garments that women need just to get by in life – or is it that you equate a certain stupidity, weakness or cheapness to looking what you call ‘feminine’?

If the answer is (A) you just don’t dig the clothes I’ll just point out that today’s woman has a ton of fashion accessory options that don’t involve lacy frilly things. If, on the other hand, you think that soft clothes mean you’re on your way to selling out and becoming an airhead then I would suggest you’ve bigger issues coming out of your closet rather than what’s hanging in it.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

@The Crabby Critic 2008 (all rights reserved).

POLITICS/SIDE SHOW: REDUX - An Update for Jo

noreply@blogger.com (Nick Zegarac) — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 22:37:00 +0000

Dear Crabby:

I have been reading your column and noticed your Kwame-bashing. I suppose this means you’re damn happy the mayor’s going to prison!

Jo in Lansing

Dear Misguided:

No. I’m not happy. Human stupidity in all its forms is never cause for my rejoicing.

With regards to ‘Kwame-Bashing’ – since when is it considered ‘bashing’ to merely re-state facts that have already come to light elsewhere in the media?

You want my opinion?

I feel that Prosecutor Kym Worthy did her job admirably –something Mayor Kilpatrick hasn’t been doing at all for some time. By indicting the mayor for his crimes, Ms. Worthy has taken the first step in liberating the City of Detroit from this very egotistical and absolute monarch.

In her televised decision today, Ms. Worthy spoke eloquently about the law before proceeding to the business at hand. She explained how even children understand the basic concepts of the law (do right, never lie and always be accountable for your actions).

She further reinforced that the oath of law that every witness is required to take when giving legal testimony in a trial does NOT read “I hereby solemnly swear to give some of the truth, some of the time, when it suits me and everything but the truth!”

In my books, Ms. Worthy is top-drawer; a credit – not only to the legal profession – but also to the citizens of Detroit. Win, lose or draw at trial time – she has done her duty as a prosecutor and lived up to the level of public scrutiny ALL ELECTED OFFICIALS should.

Raise your level of expectation Jo - both of others and yourself.

Prosecutor Worthy didn’t arrive to her decision today or at the 12 counts of perjury lightly. Rather, she ran a fair, impartial 59 day investigation through 40,000 pages of evidence with a highly skilled team of prosecutors.

The evidence in the now infamous text messages uncovered that the mayor and his former Chief of Staff, Christine Beatty clearly DID NOT tell the truth. The fact that a jury awarded the wrongfully dismissed police officers in that case a shared settlement of $8.4 million dollars suggests to me that at least 12 Detroiters thought the mayor had something to hide – even then. No testimony counter to that decision has emerged since to suggest that the monies allocated then were ill gotten gains.

There are really only two aspects about this case that baffle my better judgment. First, that Mayor Kilpatrick has been allowed to run amuck with depraved contempt for the law for so long, and second, that he still believes the charges levied against him are unfounded.

In his televised speech this afternoon, the Mayor said he expects he will be fully exonerated in a court of law. That’s either wishful thinking or utter cheek and indifference – that the law somehow does not pertain to either him or his situation.

As for my ‘personal interest’ on this matter: I hope for only one outcome at trial – a just one.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

@The Crabby Critic 2008 (all rights reserved).

POLITICS: THE SIDE SHOW THAT THINKS IT'S THE WHOLE CIRCUS!

noreply@blogger.com (Nick Zegarac) — Sat, 22 Mar 2008 21:27:00 +0000

Hey Crabby:

I just wanted to tell you that I’ve been reading you for about a year and I think your advice is fabulous. It speaks from the gut rather than the heart…the latter, never a reliable appendage for solid thought. Anyway, a while back you had some stuff about a Detroit Mayor who’s in it up to his eyeballs. I was fascinated by the scandal but don’t see much of it on the news anymore. PS – I live in Hawaii. Anyway, just wondering if you could get readers like me up to snuff and thanks.

Malikaya in Honolulu

Dear Grass Skirt Gal:

Thanks for the praise. It’s always appreciated. With respect to both the gut and the heart – I would hope I touch my readership on both levels, though I respectfully leave that for others to decide.

Not much new with Kwame Kilpatrick – the mayor of Detroit. Since I last reported in this column, the mayor’s approval rating – according to a recently conducted independent poll is 97% in favor of his stepping down from his job; something Kilpatrick absolutely refuses to do despite the fact that all but one of his city council members believe that the recent scandals have irreversibly damaged the city’s credibility for outside investments.

The mayor has hired himself several high priced attorneys and an even hirer priced spin doctor to launch his comeback. Will all the smoke and mirrors work?

So far, the answer seems to be – no! Various religious and business leaders in the community have raised their voices in protest – including the Union representing Transit City workers – all in favor of the mayor’s resignation.

To be perfectly honest with you, I’ve never encountered a guy like this before; so utterly misguided in his bull-headedness that he actually blamed the media for their ‘lynch mob mentality’ in exposing his foibles in print and on the air as part of his ‘State of the City’ address.

Now that takes guts!

Even the state of Michigan’s Attorney General Mike Cox has called for Kwame’s resignation but to no avail. Legally, no one but the state governor – in this case, Jennifer Granholm, can actually depose the mayor from his office. Will she do it?

She may not have a choice if Prosecutor Kim Worthy decides to file criminal charges against the mayor for his…uh…‘alleged’ indiscretions. I think there’s enough evidence compiled to support a charge of perjury though I suspect Worthy is waiting until such time as more evidence will lead to weightier charges. If that happens, Granholm will surely have to remove Kilpatrick from office. After all, affairs of the city (no pun intended) can hardly be run from a prison cell.

Let’s just put Kwame into context for a moment, shall we, and compare his scandal to that most recent debacle involving New York’s Governor Eliot Spitzer. Spitzer was practically flogged by the press for Pretty Womaning it with $4000 of his own money and high class whores. His penitents - an immediate apology and a resignation.

Mayor Kilpatrick is accused of perjury, spending ‘city tax dollars’ on private pleasures for him and his family and is suspected at some level of involvement in the mysterious murder of dancer, Tamara Greene shortly before she was to be called as a star witness in the now infamous ‘Whistle Blower’ lawsuit.

Aside: Interestingly enough, a former city clerk – now retired – claims to have seen an official police report that alleges the Mayor’s wife, Carlita physically assaulted Tamara Greene at the Mayor’s home with a ‘wooden object’ on the night that the Mayor claims no such party at the Manoogian Mansion took place.

Miss Greene sustained injuries and was attended to by paramedics. This city clerk (who shall remain nameless herein because she has since gone on record as saying that she fears for her own safety) was so civic minded that she immediately telephoned her local unit of Crime Stoppers to report her news after the Mayor’s scandal broke in the press.

The clerk called Crime Stoppers twice. Crime Stoppers went on record with the local media as saying they had no documentation to sustain the claim that this clerk had in fact called. Afterward, the clerk was able to produce two unique and traceable confirmation numbers to prove that she had. Clever gal. I hope she lives to tell the tale in court.

While the Mayor’s involvement in Ms. Greene’s death has yet to be proven – the other charges pending would topple most fat cats from their political throne. Yet King Kwame sits atop his without any great shame.

According to him, everyone else is at fault for his woes and problems. It’s a media thing, a race card played badly. He’s just as pure as the driven snow – only he’s drifted!

Anyway, this story is far from over though it’s anybody’s guess where the final pile of manure will land. One thing is for certain, Kilpatrick’s initial branding by the Democratic Party as a ‘rising star’ is over. He’s a falling star.

If you’re interested, Wikipedia.org has an exceptional chronology of this mayoral debacle that – if you have the time – will provide far more details than I ever could herein. Here’s the link.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kwame_Kilpatrick

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

Dear Crabby:

I was wondering what you thought of the most recent Barack Obama scandal involving Rev. Jeremiah Wright?

Faoud in New Jersey

Dear Politico-Watcher:

I think Wright is all wrong.

I also believe that Obama’s spin doctors made a gross error in judgment by suggesting to the media at large that Wright’s comments were taken ‘out of context’ – an utterly moot point, since the ‘context’ of Wright’s remarks is a pulpit inside a house of God in which vicious rhetoric was meant to insight anger, hatred and anti-Americanism from his congregation.

Wright’s ‘context’ was set in neither the right time nor the right place to spread big-mouthed/closed-minded evil!

Besides, whatever happened to the separation of church and state?

The fact that Obama has gone on record as saying he could no more disown Wright as a spiritual guide than he could walk away from black people is a rather disturbing statement that ought to be raising more than a few red flags inside the Democratic Party and elsewhere amongst the popular vote.

Red Flag #1: Obama claims that he never heard his pastor spew such foul hate-mongering readily depicted in the sound bytes we’ve all had a chance too often to hear. That’s a curious statement coming from the man who wants to be your next President.

Obama and his family have been regular attendees at Wright’s church for over 20 years.

It seems to me that anyone going that steady to a place of worship would likely have tuned in to at least one ugly sermon of hell fire and brimstone from the pulpit by now – especially since there are so many of them readily available on You Tube!

Will any of this muckraking damage Obama’s credibility?

Not according to recent polls which still have Obama leading Hilary Clinton by a narrow but nevertheless evident margin.

Red Flag #2: Obama’s a smart cookie. But hiring Wright as an advisor on his campaign committee was not smart at all – even before the scandal involving Wright broke in the news. Obama had to know that somewhere, someday Wright’s past would come back to haunt him in the public arena – especially with all the taped evidence to condemn his actions.
Red Flag #3: Michelle Obama’s statement, that for the first time in her life she feels like an American resonates a big problem with me. Aside: to my readership I would appreciate someone informing me exactly what exactly ‘feeling’ has to do with ‘being.’

Either the Obamas are American through and through or they’re not.

Either they embrace the constitution and principles of the country or they don’t.

You can’t feel your way around the prospect of ‘being’ President of the United States.

It’s not a state of mind. It’s a state of the union and a huge responsibility and an afforded respect in carrying on time-honored traditions that have made the country great.

If Obama can’t even step up to the plate and admit that having Jeremiah Wright as his spiritual advisor was akin to asking the anti-Christ for Holy Communion, and furthermore, that to place Wright on his political campaign was a colossal misstep, then in my ever not-so-humble opinion Barack Obama certainly isn’t up to the challenge of disseminating ‘truth, justice and the ‘American way’ throughout the land as its commander and chief.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

Dear Crabby:

Call me crazy, but I live in Windsor and think I saw you on the six o’clock news the other day. Did I, or was I just drinking the weird Kool-Aid?

Jessica in Windsor

Dear Jessica:

You did and regrettably I wish I hadn’t agreed to putting both feet in my mouth at the same time with the local press. ‘Context’ is everything and the points made by yours truly and showcased in my thirty seconds of fame on CBC’s Channel 9 were grossly spun in a direction I had no desire to entertain.

A bit of background needs to be covered here for everyone else who doesn’t live where you and I do. I recently attended our Mayor Eddie Francis’ State of the City address – an extremely abysmal speech in my opinion.

Most disappointing for this life-long Windsorite was listening to the Mayor’s incongruous rhetoric, as paper thin as a Barak Obama speech. Mayor Francis called for every constituent to “change the conversation” a catch phrase he repeatedly used that was meant to suggest Windsor’s most recent decline and lack of prosperity was largely due to its own residents bashing the city in public with blame and bad thoughts.

Never mind that our Mayor spoke of the loss of 10,000 manufacturing jobs, yet chose to focus of his entire state of the city address on stimulating more manufacturing jobs. Let us be honest, blunt and fair. Manufacturing has already departed for the halcyon plantations of Mexico, Bangladesh, Taiwan, China and so forth – where labor is cheap and the quality of life cheaper still.

Why employ a Windsorite at $25 an hour when a Cambodian toiling in deplorable sweatshop conditions can do the same job faster, cheaper and without any complaints that his/her civil rights in the workplace are being violated?!?! No union. No defense.

Other oddities in the Mayor’s speech included the recent acceptance of a plan to construct a retirement home that will eventually employ 50 people. Sorry if, after being told of the 10,000 who lost their jobs, if I don’t get overly excited about the meager 50 who’ll benefit from this new project.

Tragically, another retirement home in our city does not make Windsor a retirement community – just a sad derelict of what I consider shameless ‘prisons for the elderly’ – where anyone over the age of 60 is segregated to a gated community and pretty much forgotten while they wait to die. You want a retirement “community?!?” – then take a good look at Miami. It’s that and so much more.

The Mayor also mentioned how welfare recipients finally went off the dole into retail jobs. I would like to take this opportunity to ask the mayor when was the last time he held a ‘retail’ job and was able to support a wife, children, house and car with those earnings?

Or is it simply that in the Windsor of tomorrow, “after the conversation has been changed”, that we will all be driving rickshaws and bicycles in some park infested utopia where everyone sings Kumbaya while facing that other Mecca in the West – Toronto!
My dismay rose as Mayor Francis continued to tout manufacturing. “We need to get the Ford deal done” - his exact words.

My question was “Why?”

It is high time that our City Council wake up to the realization that Windsor’s love affair with the automotive industry is – sadly – at an end. It behooves me not one ounce of pleasure to make such a statement. Windsor’s bread and butter has been ‘cars’. But to simply ignore the fact that GM, Chrysler and Ford are a dying breed in our midst is like telling someone with AIDS and brain cancer that they ought to have a Coke and a multi-vitamin to get them back on the road to good health.

A deal between the City of Windsor and Ford Motor Company is a band-aid solution at best. It will keep a skeleton crew of highly skilled workers employable for another 3-5 years until a contract dispute sends the company packing to greener/cheaper pastures in Tennessee, Mexico or elsewhere. Let’s be reasonable – Ford can’t afford high priced labor!
I also heard a lot about building a bigger airport to service planes on route from Toronto to Chicago – per say, and the construction of another bridge to the United States so that more traffic could pass to and fro en route to destinations unknown.

Great – more truck traffic/more pollution. More people going from Toronto to Detroit and waving goodbye as they drive overhead.

Still no re-stimulating our lagging local economy. The only economic stimulant in that package will be for the Bridge Commission’s toll collection and McDonald and Harvey’s trade in burgers for the gridlocked truck drivers.

The Mayor’s speech was big on asking “how do we keep our people here”, answered haphazardly enough with the response that we ship out all of this city’s viable breadwinners to some Godforsaken parts out west but encourage them to leave their families behind in this city – thus ensuring that the City of Windsor reaps the tax dollars from both property, trade and business from this exodus.

I heard NO talk of bringing enticing job prospects to THIS city. Rather I heard a lot about how the Mayor’s office was in the process of brokering an arrangement with companies out west so that if one of the newly departed ‘loved ones’ wanted to attend another ‘loved one’s birthday or funeral in this city an allotment of time and possibly financial aid would be afforded the weary traveler on his return. How quaint, gosh and anti-community can you get?!?!?

I have a reply for Mayor Eddie Francis to his question of ‘how do we keep people here’ – if he’d care to hear it.

You keep people in Windsor by making Windsor a destination, not a pit stop to somewhere else. You create a tourist Mecca on par with Clifton Hill in Niagara or the strip by the CNE in Toronto. One Casino and a bunch of bike trails DO NOT a TOURIST DESTINATION MAKE!

They don’t even MAKE GOOD BUSINESS SENSE!!!

You make Windsor an exciting place to be – period!

You DON’T BLAME the Federal Government for refusing to pour more money into a dying pile of bull and then encourage modest anarchy from your constituents who are encouraged to write angry letters to their members of parliament on mass!!!

You don’t put up silly billboards around town encouraging citizens to get proactive when they’ve been used to top heavy municipal “we’ll do it on our own – thanks” for at least 5 generations.

You don’t look without – flying to Germany and so forth – to attend ‘motivational’ conferences that just talk the same blasted rhetoric I heard in the Mayor’s speech!

You look within! Tragically, I found NO WITHIN in the Mayor’s speech. Instead, I perceived a gutless city administration with hollow weary promises and no guts to look beyond the Big Three; no solid plan to do anything other than make it easier for more people with better prospects elsewhere and the good sense God gave a lemon and the wherewithal to leave Windsor for good! How utterly sad, tragic, misguided and misinformed!

“Need to change the conversation?”

I think Windsor needs to change its plan of passivity into REAL ACTION – FAST! All these points were made to the CBC reporter who interviewed me.

Regrettably, she chose to air none of them. I was not amused!

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

@The Crabby Critic 2008 (all rights reserved).

FROM THE ALL-SEEING EYE TO THE ONE EYE

noreply@blogger.com (Nick Zegarac) — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 02:58:00 +0000

Dear Crabby:

Twenty years ago my sister told me she didn’t approve of the man I was going to marry and, to prove her point she put a Sicilian curse on my house. Well, nothing bad ever happened to us in those twenty years. In fact, my husband and I were talking about it the other day and we both agree that as marriages go, ours has been totally charmed. My question to you is my mother telephoned the other day to say that my sister is dying of bone cancer. We haven’t spoken in all this time. Should I try to go see her or do you think I should just leave well enough alone?

Filomena in New Mexico

Dear Superstitiously Charmed:

Evidently, your sister thought she could scare you. Instead, you married exactly the person you were supposed to and proved what I’ve suspected all along – that no mortal can put a ‘curse’ on another mortal. If we could, people would be dropping dead left and right under the most mysterious of circumstances and a lot more of us would be winning the lottery on a regular basis.

True, I’ve known a few fairy Godmothers and wicked witches in my lifetime. The former were saints; the latter - plenty ‘mean’ but ultimately powerless and none too scary.

Looks like, if anything, your sister’s wicked ways have caught up to her in a big way. Actually, I don’t believe that either. She’s just unfortunate. She’s become one of the too many who have this terrible disease. She has my sympathy. I speculate herein that she also has yours or you wouldn’t be writing to me.

However, you and your sister have not spoken in twenty years. It seems to me that she’s been able to hold a grudge all these years while you’ve been living in paradise. Have you considered that she may not want to see you?

Any attempt to bond at this late stage may be misperceived as you coming to gloat about all your happiness at her expense. I’m not suggesting that you are. Just be aware that your sister will more than likely misread your honorable intensions as such.

My best advice would be to find an intermediary – someone close to you and your sister who could approach her with the request that you would like to see her. If that person returns to you with an emphatic ‘No! Don’t come!’ then you should respect that wish. It will probably be your sister’s last.

I wouldn’t burden your mother with this problem. She’s doubtless aware of it anyhow. But, if I’m doing the math correctly, you and your sister are roughly in your mid-forties which means mama is at best a spry sixty. She’s preparing to lose one of her children – a burden no mother should ever have to go through. So, find that other person who can approach sis’ – an uncle, cousin, mutual friend, whoever. Bottom line: I want you to be prepared for another rejection from your sister.

It sounds to me as though she’s very bitter. Illness will not mellow that animosity. If you really want to do something nice for her from the goodness of your heart then my suggestion is that you pray for her now; for divine mercy, a quick death and redemption of her eternal soul after this life has passed into the next. Then cling to your husband for support. Regardless of what your sister thinks, he’s been a keeper – something your sister should have been for you.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

Dear Crabby:

I think my husband’s leading a double life. The other day I came home early from work and called to him. There was a lot of noise upstairs and when I made it to the top of the stairs my panty hose that I left to dry on the towel rack were still hanging there but they were stretched out. It’s not my imagination.

About a month ago we were on our way out to a dinner party. I sprayed some perfume on my wrist and my husband asked if he could have a whiff. I held my wrist to him, thinking he wanted to smell me, but instead he took the bottle out of my hand and sprayed his wrist with the same perfume.

Am I crazy? Is my husband gay or a transvestite or something? I’m scared. We’ve been married for six years and I thought everything was fine but now I think there’s a problem and it’s making me paranoid. Yesterday, I actually hid my panty hose behind the furnace in the basement so that my husband won’t know where they are. I’m creeped out. Please advise.

Jolene in Arkansas

Dear Sexy by Proxy:

I’m not a clinical psychologist. I can’t diagnosis what your husband is – if anything. But a brief bit of research on my part concluded a few facts I’d like to pass along. First of all: men of the homosexual persuasion rarely accompany their secret double life by dressing in women’s apparel. Gay men want other gay men to love them for being men. So I don’t think your husband’s gay.

Second: transvestitism and homosexuality rarely go hand in sequined glove. True male transvestites dress in women’s apparel to achieve a sexual satisfaction by pretending to be women. If you’re husband is dressing up for this reason he may in fact want to be a woman, rather than be with one. I can’t make that fine line of distinction for you.

Third: studies have shown that some men borrow their wives’ attire in private to pretend to be their wives during prolonged separation from their spouses. I’m not exactly sure how or why this is comforting to the male psyche but I’m willing to concede that certain fellows are up for just about anything to relive that magic time they spend with their gals. The real problem for you now is to discover which of the aforementioned reasons make the most logical sense. That won’t be easy.

I mean, if I were you I wouldn’t just come out to your husband with something like, “Okay, what gives with you and my hose?” A modicum of sensitivity is required to make things work out.

Your woes about some sort of ‘double life’ seem grossly unfounded. I mean, you went upstairs and your husband was alone with your panty hose. That’s kinky but it cannot be classified in the same sentence as marital infidelity. If you want a more authoritative explanation, I would suggest you contact a psychologist in your area and go by yourself to explain your suspicions. Perhaps, then you’ll have a greater understanding of what you’re up against. I can understand and sympathize with your level of frustration.

Finally, consider this – that in our culture women are frequently afforded acceptance to don male attire; blue jeans, sweaters, work boots, etc. without any sort of societal stigma attached. Men don’t rate that same level of acceptance. At best then, your husband’s guilty of being a closet dresser in ladies fashions. While that might not fit with your idea of the big, burly jock you thought you married, we can’t rightfully say it makes him a nominee for the Norman Bates Mother of the Year Award either.

Your not crazy. Stop being creeped out. But by all means, get some solid answers as to where all this is going. You deserve the truth.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

Dear Crabby:

I know you won’t approve but I’m a very contented bachelor who enjoys the company of many women. I don’t feel the need to settle down and I don’t think that everyone who doesn’t stay monogamous is, as you’ve often said, ‘a gross pig of a human being.’ There are many cultures – present and past – that don’t subscribe to our own North American sense of narrow-minded Christianity and seem to do alright. My two brothers disagree with me as I suspect you will but I think what I’m doing is right for me.

Josh in Barnham

Dear Testicle Juggler:

Your right. I don’t agree. But I won’t try to convince you that you’re wrong. Might I at least suggest that you’re unhappy?

Why the need to prove your prowess into the triple digits? I mean, where’s the level at which the number of conquests becomes redundant and boring. Just as polygamists think monogamy’s a snore, so too will the bed-hopping get to be old hat at some point and then where will you be?

I would like to address a few things you mentioned. First of all – I consider any man or woman who thinks nothing of sleeping around with multiple partners a gross pig of a human being. If the partners you frequent don’t much care how often you stray to and fro in between sessions with them that simply suggests to me that you’ve sunk to a level of familiarity where everyone involved enjoys slurping the swill from the same trough.

Just because you found a bunch of other like-minded fools to compliment your own lifestyle doesn’t mean that your place in the animal hierarchy has risen. Fools seldom differ.

What you would suggest is ‘narrow-minded Christianity’ I would offer up as a standard convention that has a precedence of several thousand years to back itself up as the proven path to discovering personal fulfillment. Perhaps you don’t want that level of involvement. Perhaps it scares you. I would suggest there’s a lot more out there that’s equally – if not more scary.

Your brothers aren’t prudes. They know you’re playing a dangerous game with yourself and they’re worried about you. Take the hint. Start worrying about yourself before parts start falling off.

Finally, you haven’t introduced the concept of disease into your equation so permit me that luxury: every one night love affair you encounter has the potential to impact the rest of your life in a very negative way. Pregnancy, STD’s and AIDS aside – you’re mixing with a crowd who obviously have no discernable nature when it comes to partnering up for sex.

They’ll sleep with anyone.

They proved it.

They slept with you.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

Dear Crabby:

I’m 37 and want a baby. I don’t have a guy so I’m contemplating something my girlfriend suggested. She said I should pick out someone who excites me and who I think would make a good-looking kid; then, get pregnant by him and take the baby and raise it on my own without telling the guy. It kind of makes sense and it may be my last chance. What do you think?

Helena in St. Martin

Dear Desperately Seeking Stupidity:

I think you and your girlfriend sound like a verse and chorus from that truly awful 80s pop song by Heart – ‘All I Want To Do Is Make Love To You.’ Not only are you willing to betray some poor bozo you’re planning to pick up and toss out like the trash, but you’re also plotting to deprive an embryo of its right to a two parent upbringing.

That’s sick, twisted femi-Nazi logic. Somewhere in that brutalized claptrap you call a mind you came to the conclusion that men are expendable sperm donors. But get a clue – this is one game where the issue of ‘plug and play’ comes with far more severe consequences!

My advice to you is simple. Want a baby? Then, find a man who’s willing to marry and support you and a child and start feathering your nest together. Otherwise, you’re nobody’s idea of a mother.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

Dear Crabby:

My girlfriend says I don’t satisfy her anymore. I’m wondering if there are any books you could recommend that would fix my problem.

Todd in Pennsylvania

Dear Book Worm:

I don’t know what your problem is, exactly. Off hand, I’d say it’s time to take your heads – both of them - out of any book and start getting creative in the bedroom. I’m not big on texts that report to suggest ‘self help’ for something as basic and self explanatory as fornication. It’s not rocket science. If you need a few pointers, the rental of a filthy movie will probably suffice just as easily as fifty dollars worth of Doctor Ruth.

If you’re stumped for a lead in, why not ask your girlfriend what she would like to have you do to her the next time you two get naked? I’m sure if she’s that bored with your technique she’ll have no shortage of self-help suggestion.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

Dear Crabby:

I don’t like sex very much. Actually, not at all. The problem is that my husband loves it – a lot! We usually make love first thing in the morning. Then he comes home for nooners almost every day and we do it pretty regularly at night too – at least three times a week. I don’t want my husband to think it’s his problem or that he’s doing something wrong. I just don’t really get into the mechanics of lovemaking like he does and I’m afraid if I tell him he’ll take it the wrong way. Any thoughts?

Sheila in Queensland

Dear Aussie Angel:

There’s a definite problem here. I’m just not sure whose problem it is. It’s yours to start, I suppose, for picking a guy who can’t get enough in a 24 hr. period when you knew that once or twice in a lifetime would more than satisfy you.

I’m surprised you didn’t figure this one out during the dating process. That you never confided as much to your husband gave him the green light to go ahead and ravage you silly at his beckoned call. He probably thinks he’s doing you a favor by coming home in the middle of the day for seconds…or thirds – I’ve lost count.

Now, as a guy I think it’s your husband’s problem too. From a physiological standpoint, I would certainly have to say his friskiness falls into the gifted program for the sexual arts. I mean three times a day and still ready for action the next morning. Hi-o-silver! Seriously though, his sexual habits have become more than habit forming. They're slightly obsessive. He’s on a mission.

If you want to stave off your husband’s affections without making it appear as much I have a few suggestions, starting with making yourself unavailable during peak times in creative ways. For example: after a morning kanoodling session you may want to inform your husband that you’re not going to be home for lunch because you’ve been asked out by a girlfriend. Don’t lie about it.

Actually, make plans with a girlfriend for lunch and then go. Do this a few times a week or schedule routine trips to the bank, mall, grocery store during the lunch hour. If your husband suggests its cutting into his time with you, you can always claim that his bunny-busting in the bedroom is hampering your ability to manage an efficient household. As a man, we’re sensible creatures. That’ll probably make sense to him from an economic standpoint.

As for the evenings; why not plan things for you and your husband to do outside of the bedroom. Surprise him at the door with a new dress and dinner reservations, outings with mutual friends, exciting trips to nightclubs, museums, raceways, casinos, bowling alleys…whatever diversion strikes both your fancies. Your husband has a lot of energy to burn off. He also must have a hobby other than you. So, indulge it.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

Dear Crabby:

I broke my hip last month in an automobile accident and have been in a lower body cast since. The woman I was with wasn’t so lucky. She died. Her sister comes by almost daily to visit and comfort me at the hospital. Here’s the problem. She thinks that me and her sister were a couple and feels an obligation to look after me in her sister’s absence.

But the truth is that this woman who died in that car was just giving me a ride home from the place we both worked at when we were sideswiped by a drunk driver in an SUV. We weren’t lovers or even friends. Just colleagues. I wasn’t even supposed to be in the car with her that evening. My car died on the parking lot and she offered me a lift.

I don’t know what to do. Her sister is very kind but I feel as though I am deceiving her for sympathy and treats. Am I being cruel? Am I wrong? Should I tell her the truth?

Boris in Mount Vernon

Dear Boris:

Under normal circumstances I would have suggested you tell this woman’s sister the truth. In most cases the truth is always best. But the truth of the matter in your situation is that this woman has lost someone who was very dear to her. She is using you as her therapy to get through a difficult situation. In some way, she probably feels as though she’s still connected to her sister through you. If she sees you, she keeps the memory of her sister alive.

Consider this: it’s not a total lie. After all, you and her sister did work together – ergo you weren’t total strangers! Her sister knew you well enough to feel comfortable offering you a ride home. Most women wouldn’t give just any male coworker a lift to be kind. There’s just too many weirdos out there.

Clearly, there was some connection between you two – however platonic. Her sister trusted you enough to feel safe in your company away from the work place. In my opinion, telling this woman who is caring for you now that you didn’t love her dead sister would be cruel and unusual.

Yes, you’re reaping the nurturing benefits of a grieving relative. However, this woman is also gaining mental solace and strength from being in your presence. Her commitment to you has kept her going. In her mind, if she can restore you to health then her sister’s death will not have been in vane.

My advice: let this angel of mercy perform the ascribed duties of a caregiver for as long as she sees fit to do so. Your recovery is doing her a world of good. As long as you don’t fabricate some great romance between you and her sister, you’re not exactly feeding into the lie.

I think you’ve assessed this situation all wrong. Re-examine it from the perspective of what you might be able to offer that would help this woman recover from her loss more quickly and you may find that your friendship will be more lasting than either of you ever suspected. Above all else – keep your strength up and keep the faith. A speedy recovery to the both of you.

TALES OF THE RICH AND INFAMOUSLY TRIVIAL

noreply@blogger.com (Nick Zegarac) — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 23:31:00 +0000

Dear Crabby:

I was wondering if you saw this year’s Grammy Awards. I did and was shocked to say the least. Amy Winehouse won 5 – largely undeserved in my opinion – awards including one for best original song ‘They Said Go To Rehab I Said No, No, No’ or something like that! What a crock!

Torri in New Valley Falls

Dear Grave with the Grammys:

Didn’t see the Grammy’s live and grateful not to. I did catch the rehash and bits on Pod-Cast. In my not so humble opinion, most award shows are little more than a superficial reason for closed clubs of inbreds to have photo ops in between patting one another on the back for merely doing what’s expected of them.

With regards to artists in general and in any medium; I realize I’m in the minority here, but I grow increasingly tired and bored with talent-less celebs trying to out-‘weird’ their competition. Quirky is good – or at least, shall we say – interesting - if it’s in service of innate talent or in the creation of a mystique or personal statement other than “hey, I’m quirky…look at me. Hey, I have six nipple rings and twelve body tattoos more than the next gal…hey, I stick my fingers down my throat to throw up and line my eyes in black lipstick..." and so on and so forth.

With regards to Ms. Winehouse in particular; I believe the accolades afforded her at this year’s Grammys were given more for behind the scenes struggles rather than earned for her on camera talent. That’s just an opinion. I don’t much care for her music. I also don’t care for the media’s tabloid fascination to quickly label her ‘Amy Wino’ simply because she can’t stay the course away from the bourbon isle and cocktail shaker. That makes Amy Winehouse just another celeb drowning in a sea of troubled youth – not a figure of fun.

She’s not a thing – although she may act like one more than she seems to be a real person. But perhaps that’s just an act on Ms. Winehouse’s part; a sort of protective shield she uses so that the tabloids don’t really know who she is. The media love people like Amy Winehouse because her personal life is used as a piñata to be violently swung at until the whole darn mess of her past comes tumbling out.

But you know, I always reserve the right to toast someone’s ability to pick up and triumph over seemingly insurmountable adversity.

So she went into rehab...

So what?

Winehouse’s addiction to alcohol and other illegal recreational substances is well documented. However, I’m also of the opinion that no one shouldn’t win an award – Grammy or otherwise – just because they decided to detox.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but a Grammy is supposed to be doled out for musical prowess, right?

Frankly, I don’t see that sort of promise in Winehouse – drunk, sober or otherwise.

Clearly, the impact of her Grammy wins was heartfelt at some level. I mean, Winehouse looked confused and glassy-eyed. Oh…right.

But then, she cried. Nice touch. It still doesn’t make her Best Artist of the Year. So, the next time someone tells Winehouse to go to rehab, I would suggest she go, go, go!

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

Dear Crabby:

Who do you think will be our next President?

Tom in Las Vegas

Dear White House Wonderer:

I’m not an American so, for me, any speculation is moot. With regards to personal predictions on who will be your next President…early polls suggest that the final stretch of the race will be run by Barack Obama and John McCain. I hope McCain has a good pair of running shoes and a strong ticker. He’ll need both to beat, or even catch up to, the ‘magic Negro.’

Obama’s political platform is rather vapid at best, though nevertheless effective at bolstering support – a sad indictment on how simple and silly his mass appeal remains. Honestly, are his supporters really that stupid to believe that a promise of ‘change’ alone will be enough to actually induce ‘change’ once the oath of office has been taken?

Obama’s level of inexperience aside, his entire campaign thus far has been built on a tired platitude. He wants to be the purveyor of social ‘change.’

Good for him!

I hope he has some sort of concrete plan to back up all that high-minded liberalism.

I read somewhere that Obama wants free college and/or university education and government funded health care available to everyone.

Noble peace offerings, I must say.

If I want free thong underwear for the homeless and million dollar cash vouchers so that every state in the union can hold its own dance-a-thon with Bruno and Carrie Ann, does that mean I can run for President too?

Huh, can I? Please! Please!

Running on these campaign promises I’m sure I could get at least one state in the primaries – California.

I’ll say this, if Obama can make good on just one of his campaign ‘promises’ I’ll tip my hat to him and be glib no more. No one before Obama has been able to do as much. It is highly unlikely that anyone after him will be able to either. The Democrats voting for him in the primaries ought to remember that before casting their ballot.

Moving on, I don’t think Hillary Clinton should be discounted out of the running for the Democratic nomination just yet. She’s a devious fly in the Obama ointment, but has quite a stinger as she’s proven over the course of several heated televised debates. I also don’t believe that Hil’s hubby, Slick Willie has been very much of an asset to her campaign. If anything, Bill is stomping the trail because he misses those perks at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

However, for those who think sheer spousal support is his selfless motive, I would suggest the blinders fastened too tight come off directly! Bill’s is a far less high-minded or pure purpose than any of us give him discredit for.

Last, I think it’s a pity Mitt Romney dropped out of the running when he did. Ditto for Rudy Guilliani and Fred Thompson. Politics needs good candidates – not just greedy ones. I understand why the boys above quit. It’s still a pity.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

Dear Crabby:

What’s new with Britney Spears?

Jodie in Connecticut

Dear Star-Gazer:

In my opinion Spears has written herself off into oblivion through bad choices and stupid publicity stunts. It’s time the general public stopped immortalizing this backwoods lunatic for her meteoric crash and burn. She’s not a comet - just a burnt out cinderblock of heavy rock hurdling through her own inner space.

By the way, Britney’s initials are ‘B’, ‘S’ – a rather telling moniker, wouldn’t you say?

- C.C.

Dear Crabby:

Why is Tony Bennett considered a great talent?

Morris in New England

Dear Musically Confused:

Your guess is as good as mine. I’ve always thought of Bennett as a cheap – and not terribly convincing or talented – Sinatra knock-off. So long as ol’ Blue Eyes was in the mix, Bennett didn’t seem to get much playtime or attention in either the media or on the music circuit. Currently, he’s the grand old man of the song – definitive proof that in the realm of celebrity you just have to live long enough to outlast the competition to be considered a ‘great talent.’ How sad.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

Dear Crabby:

I live in Detroit. I don’t know if you’ve been following the news here but frankly, it ain’t good! Our mayor is Kwame Kilpatrick and he’s been accused of all sorts of stuff, including lying under oath and involvement in a murder! Even if only half of what I’ve read and heard is true, it’s still pretty bad. I’m just wondering how much worse it will get and what you think about any elected official who gets involved in things like this.

Shaqualita in Michigan

Dear Living It Down in Detroit:

For those readers who might not have a clue about what you’re referring to, I think a summation of the events you’ve briefly touched on might be in order. So, here goes.

When Kwame Kilpatrick took office as the mayor of Detroit he is presumed to have kicked off a wild party at the Manoogian Mansion with tax payer dollars – in addition to indulged expenditures incurred from buying his wife a new Ford Navigator and other unaccounted luxuries for the mayor and his extended family.

But back to the party at the Manoogian where an exotic dancer by the name of Tamara Greene – better known to her clientele as ‘Strawberry’ – is alleged to have performed; Ms. Greene became a potential witness set to testify against the mayor in the now infamous ‘Whistle-Blower Lawsuit’ filed by two police investigators who were wrongfully fired from their jobs after they undertook an investigation into these allegations regarding the mayor’s misappropriation of tax dollars for personal usage. Shortly before the trial, Ms. Greene met with an untimely end that has never been sufficiently explained away by the media or solved by the police.

Even without Ms. Greene’s testimony, the evidence presented at the ‘Whistle-Blower’ trial was damaging to the mayor’s credibility. For his part, Mayor Kilpatrick believed that no jury would convict him. He was wrong. The trial ended in the detective’s favor with the city of Detroit ordered to pay out a cash settlement somewhere in the ballpark of nearly nine million dollars. Immediately following the trial, all documents pertaining to this case were sealed and a non-disclosure agreement between everyone was signed.

However, when it was discovered that the mayor lied under oath during trial about a lurid affair he had with his former Chief of Staff, Christine Beatty, prosecution began to speculate about what other skeletons Kilpatrick had in his closet. Clearly, there seems to be at least one other unresolved ‘loose end’ to contend with – Carmen Slowski; a woman photographed with the mayor in North Carolina who apparently gave Kilpatrick a massage at a vacation retreat. Just what else Slowski and the mayor are guilty of remains open for discussion.

All of this manure was uncovered by WXYZ Channel 7 investigative reporter Steve Wilson who, at one point in his questioning of the mayor received a violent body slam from one of the mayor’s personal bodyguards (on the mayor’s command) on his person for his efforts.

Now, to answer your question. Given the circumstances, while I seriously doubt Kwame has killed anyone with his own two hands, I do believe there is enough of a pattern in his lies, deceit and corruption to warrant not only speculation, but much further investigation of any and every facet of the mayor’s comings and goings. The ledger of indictments against Mayor Kilpatrick and his administration thus far is hardly flattering.

If he has nothing to hide apart from that which he has already confessed to, then nothing further will develop from these inquiries. Tragically, I don’t think ‘forthright’ is a word in Kwame’s lexicon. We already know ‘honesty’ and ‘trustworthiness’ don’t belong in his vocabulary either.

Cheer up, Shaqualita.

The truth will out, perhaps sooner than either of us thinks. Steve Wilson’s investigative reporting has already severely hampered the mayor’s ability to conduct and/or cover up such spurious business transactions that may have directly led to his being elected in the first place. If it’s any consolation; Kwame Kilpatrick probably isn’t the worst public official to defraud his constituents, though he’s certainly the most high-profile at the moment. Tragically, he most certainly won’t be the last either.

‘ONE’, NOT NECESSARILY THE LONLIEST NUMBER

noreply@blogger.com (Nick Zegarac) — Sat, 26 Jan 2008 16:27:00 +0000

Dear Crabby:

I am on marriage #2. First one was 17 years. He walked out on me and our 2 small boys. Three years after the divorce I fell in love and married hubby # 2. My boys are incredible (marine and diesel tech).

Hubby also has two raised by angry resentful ex-wife. Daughter, 22 just arrested for shoplifting; lives with us right now while waiting to enlist. Son, age 18, still in high school; moved out because of our rules - after he punched holes in the walls, totaled his truck (in hubby's name) this week.

Both (my husband’s kids) lived with (their) mom their entire lives. Stepson came to live with us when he turned 16. His mom literally dropped him off with his belongings in a trash bag at 9 pm one night. We picked (my husband’s daughter) up from jail and brought her home. Hubby said tops 30 days. It is going on 4 months.

I know hubby is bringing them into our lives because of guilt. Thinks he can correct twenty years of crap? Anyway, I'm the one carrying the load. I'm the one available for the transportation, doctor appointments, recruiter’s even running with SD every night so she can meet the weight requirement.

I love him dearly, I just can't imagine the next thirty years of my life (I'm 48) revolving around his kids and the ex (who calls daily) to solve their problems. There is no other man, if anything happens to this relationship, I'm done. I'll get a pet.

My sister agrees that my hubby loves me and would do anything for me he is just diluted when it comes to the trouble his past is causing our future. We are being sued by his son's friend who was in the truck at the time of the accident. But sis tells me I need to take off my own rose colored glasses.

Do I stay or do I go?

Kathy in Florida
Dear Should I Stay or Go?

It sounds to me like you stepped in a rather large pile of marital manure that oddly enough didn’t seem to bother you during the courtship phase.

I’m a firm believer in doing extensive critical analysis of all the variables in any relationship before jumping into the sack. Sometimes prospective mates will get bored and leave. Oh, well – they’re loss.

As I’ve said before on this blog, there are a lot worse things in life than remaining single!

I gather you’ve discovered this since you said ‘I do.’

You may think you’ve made some lousy choices in men (and perhaps, you have) but I don’t believe this guy is one of them. So, where do you go from here?

The answer to your question – ‘stay’ or ‘go’ is ‘yes’ and ‘no.’ I’ll explain.

You say that your stepdaughter is enlisting in the armed forces. I think that’s a step in the right direction for her. A military career will provide her with some guidance, discipline and structure; all qualities I gather were evidently lacking in her home life before she moved in with you.

Anyway, soon she’ll be off to boot camp where they don’t tolerate tarts with big mouths and bad attitudes, so it should be interesting to see how the military influence reshapes her way of thinking about life in general. As far as she goes, my advice would be a more of a ‘wait and see’ rather than laying down the law. Leave that to the drill sergeant she’s about to meet. He’s better suited for the challenge.

At 22, your stepdaughter perhaps doesn’t need any more maternal influences (not that she’s had much with her own mother by the sound of it) but she very probably could use a genuine girlfriend when reality reaches over and smacks her down. That’s where you come in. Remember that whatever her own mother’s done to her until now, very likely she’ll wake up from the stupor once real life gets a hold of her.

At that moment of vulnerability, your stepdaughter will need a real woman’s influence – someone who doesn’t judge her or hold a grudge for everything that’s gone before. Just a woman who knows the ropes and is willing to share her experiences without putting on a pair of boxing gloves.

Be that person in her life.

She may not recognize it now, but you’re her best hope for a happy tomorrow. You never know, it might turn out to be the best thing for both of you.

I’m not trying to suggest you let her walk all over you. It’s still your home. But, if at all possible, stave off the urge to stomp her silly little brain into the mush or she will hate you for it. (Aside: she probably already hates you because her mother’s filled her head with all sorts of crap about how you ruined their lives by marrying her father. Ignore the excess baggage. Life’s too short to give a damn about those who don’t give as much about you.) Take the high road and follow your heart.

As for your stepson; at 18 he’s an irresponsible kid with an attitude that needs realigning. Not that you’re the one to do it. He needs a strong male influence that’s going to steer him in the right direction. I’d like to say that male role model is you’re husband – but from what you’ve told me about his lack of stamina when push comes to shove – I don’t think he’s the guy for the job.

My advice: when sonny boy’s not home I’d have a serious chat with your guy about his son’s future. If he’s tearing up your home, wrecking vehicles and being a total ass

- he’s out!

You don’t need him and he clearly doesn’t want to be needed by you!

Tell your husband that you married him for better or worse and since his son falls under the category of ‘worse’ you would appreciate a brainstorming session on how the two of you can come to one decision on how to make him part of your ‘better’.

Now, given that your husband has a track record for caving when it comes to making practical decisions, I don’t want you to go into this conversation with him unprepared. Face facts: your husband probably won’t have any solutions to recommend. I know you’ve been the drudge on family matters thus far, so even though that hasn’t been fair to you, one more responsibility really won’t shift things that much.

I want you to take the initiative. You’re not trying to make sonny boy homeless.

But he’s definitely outstayed his welcome in your home!

So, look into programs for your husband’s son; enrollment in boot camp comes immediately to mind.

He’s old enough for a military career so give it to him if that’s what your husband agrees to. But whatever tough love the two of you decide on, make it clear that it’ll be your husband’s responsibility to lower the boom and inform his kid about the decision. At that point, you stay out of the mix. Otherwise, sonny boy will hold that decision against you.

See, my philosophy on being a stepparent while the ex of the spouse is alive is quite simple:

DON’T DO IT!

Rarely do the children understand the mechanics behind a marital split and/or remarriage. Heck, they’re not supposed to! They’re kids!

But since they can’t formulate an understanding on the matter it’s grossly unfair of the adults placed with the responsibility in rearing them to simply go spouse hunting with the blind ignorance and hope that everything will just work itself out in the end where the children are concerned. It won’t! It rarely – if ever – does!

In my opinion, Kathy, you’re fortunate because I feel there is a genuine love between you and your husband. He’s not an authority figure with his kids and that’s a shame. But he’s also a loving individual and that’s a definite plus. Since both his children are actually young adults – not kids - it’s time they left the nest in search of their own future.

Your stepdaughter has already taken the hint with her enlistment.

Good for her!

It will probably turn out to be good for you too.

As for sonny boy: yep – the time has come for him to discover what he’s made of: crap or credulity – we all have to come to our own realization of who we are.

One can only come to that conclusion in an absence of anger. Currently, step-boy has too much rage directed at the two of you to discover his own self worth. Help him find it. Remove yourselves from his life’s equation – at least for a time. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Get him out of your house and on a path to becoming the man he can be.

I wish you every success, Kathy. If I were you I wouldn’t leave just yet. You’ve too much invested here to simply pack up and go.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

STUPID HUMAN TRICKS WE PLAY ON ONE ANOTHER

noreply@blogger.com (Nick Zegarac) — Wed, 09 Jan 2008 18:34:00 +0000

Dear Crabby:

In Oct. of last year, my wife and I decided to spice up our marriage by bringing another person into our love-making. That really did the trick. In fact, we couldn’t be happier with our arrangement. Only now, our partner says she wants to bring her boyfriend in on the fun and games. I’m not really comfortable with another guy seeing me naked but I also think what’s fair is fair. I mean, my wife’s been without her clothes in front of our partner now twice a week for almost three months. Please advise.

James from Dillion

Dear Oversexed Clunk-head:

Advise and consent, no doubt.

Honestly, some people ought to be strung up by their feet and beaten with the silly stick like a piñata.

Personally, I’m a big believer in wooden planks – the sting of revelation lasts longer!

Well, where to begin? First of all, I think that you’re placing too much emphasis on this third person in your marital equation. If your love life was that dead before she came along, then you guys really had no business bringing someone else into your dysfunctional bedroom. Couples counseling would have sufficed. And, while we’re on the topic, stop calling her ‘your partner!’ You make her sound like a business associate from mergers and acquisitions.

Be honest!

This extra breast tissue you bring in for ménage a trois is just an inviting piece of skin the two of you swing around like a piñata at festival time. Only it sounds like every day’s Marti Gras at Casa Jimbo.

I’m not a Victorian prude. I can also see what the appeal has been for you up till now. But even under the most liberal definition, marriage remains a union between TWO people; not two people who invite celebrity judges and contortionist acts from Cirque du Soliel in for the high jumps when the going gets rough or dull and uninspired.

The way I see it you have two choices; one – bring Joe Studly into the mix because – as you say “fair is fair.” Just be prepared that he might be an absolute monster (both figuratively and literally) in the boudoir. My personal advice however would be to end the sham.

Oh…and the next time you want to add a little spice to your marriage – try oregano!

Yours truly,
The crabby critic

Dear Crabby:

My husband broke his wrist last week when he fell off the garage trying to fix our Christmas lights. It was so embarrassing. The neighbors ran over, picked him up and brought him inside. I was on the phone long distance to my mother, but had to hang up so we could call our family doctor. Then, the neighbors drove him to the hospital. They said he really screamed when they put the pins in or whatever to fix him up. Now he’s home and behaving like a big baby.

How do you deal with a guy who needs everything handed to him all the time?

Joyce in Missouri

Dear Heartless Trophy:

You cater to his every wish until he’s able to do for himself again…and you do it with a smile. I would have added ‘sincerely,’ but after re-reading your email I must confess that I don’t think you have any concept of the meaning of that word. Frankly, you disgust me.

Your husband’s lucky he came away from the accident with only a broken wrist. He might have snapped his spine and been paralyzed or even died. Instead, all you can think about is how his mishap cut into your long distance conversation with mama. I mean, you didn’t even go to the hospital with him. That’s sick!

If your husband has any idea how much you feel you’re being put out, I’m sure he wishes he had taken the quickie header into a casket instead!

Honestly, if you’re not up to the challenge of carrying for the fellow you took a vow to love, honor and obey, then I would suggest you just march into the front room right now, tell him you’re getting a divorce, then walk out of his life forever. Trust me, Nurse Ratchet – with your bedside manner you’d be doing this man a BIG favor!

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

Dear Crabby:

I just confessed to my wife that I married her for her family’s money. She’s really upset. It was a huge mistake because I never loved her or was even remotely attracted to her. But I was poor. So, I figured ‘money first’ and love will follow. That was seven years ago. It hasn’t happened. What should I do?

Douglas in Barrie, On.

Dear Dough-boy:

Here’s a novel idea. When it comes to money, why not make your own? You know what you are, Douglas; a sponge and not a very convincing one either. You can’t even pick up the spills and keep the floor dry at the same time.

I don’t doubt that your wife is tear-stained and angry.

You’re lucky she didn’t cut your kibble off and feed it to the family dog.

Frankly, I hope she’s more angry than tear-stained…at least enough to kick your mooching behind to the curb – Cartier wrist watch, designer blue jeans and all!

You’re a pathetic excuse for a husband and NO great shakes as a man either. I know what you’re temptation was. I’m just trying to figure out hers. I suppose the mother instinct kicked in and she decided you were a fixer upper rather than a run-and-hide. So, I’m going to dedicate the rest of this reply to your wife and other women out there who think they’ve found a diamond in the rough.

Ladies: the men you pick up are not like that marked down handbag on special on Boxing Day.

A cheapy doesn’t become a steal!

e’re also not like vintage cheese or wine. We DON’T and WON’T improve with age. So ladies – please – do yourselves a colossal favor. Think about the man in your life as though he were a retaining wall in your basement. You don’t want your basement to get that moldy smell from too many cracks letting in the dampness, do you?

You can’t change a man, or ‘fix him up’ or make him better than he was or is. There’s no law against trying. You can knock yourself out trying. You may even get him to alter his hair style, cologne, choice of cotton knit pull over, etc. etc. etc. But in the end, you’ve only placed a superficial patch on the cracks of an otherwise leaky basement wall. The mold is going to come in and you won’t like it.

Douglas, I don’t know what crack your wife thought she was patching when she decided to hook up with you, but clearly even one as wide as the Grand Canyon at first glance was easily overlooked. Your wife must need stronger prescription eyewear. You were a red flag from a million miles away!

My suggestion to you is to economize. Now that your wife knows the truth behind your motivations, I suspect you’ll be doing a lot more shopping at the local Pick N’ Save!

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

Dear Crabby:

Will you marry me?

- anonymous

Dear Invisible Admirer:

No!

C.C.

Dear Crabster:

I think I must be getting old. The other day two twenty-somethings came into my coffee shop with their I-Pods blaring and I couldn’t help but give them a ‘Hey, turn that crap down’ look as I took their order. I always thought of myself as hip to the new thing but these days I feel more like a grouch than a game player. Guess I just need a sounding board.

Scott in Nova Scotia

Dear Hundred Year Old Man:

I’m kidding! Seriously, I’m 36 and the things I used to find fun and exciting in my twenties I really don’t care for at this age. Numerically, I’m aging. No question about it. But I still think I’m young enough to appreciate the fun stuff. Having said that, there’s certain things I look back on now in my own development as a human being and realize were not so much ‘fun’ as they were just ‘dumb’ and generally only appealing to somebody who didn’t have enough seniority on this planet to realize otherwise. Does that mean I’ve become an old geezer or did I just grow up?

Sounds to me like you just grew up, Scott.

Playing music loud enough to drown out everyone within a five to ten foot radius isn’t just dumb. It’s rude and dangerous to future hearing loss. Anyway, it’s your shop. Chances are if these teens were annoying you, then they were probably also ticking off your regular trade and that’s cause to stand up and request that the noise level come down or be taken somewhere else.

If it makes any difference - I don’t think you’re old, Scott. You’re just more ‘with it’ than you know, because you’ve arrived at the age where ‘making an impression’ by following the new fangled trend just to matter doesn’t really matter anymore. You’ve migrated from the importance of status symbols to being concerned with the genuine ‘here’ and ‘now.’

Bravo and keep going. Life’s a journey. You’re on a new road.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

Crabs:

I think you blog is total crap. What you think of that?

- Joe

Dear Joe from Nowhere:

I think you’re entitled to your opinion – however misguided. What you think of that - Joe? Or maybe 'think' isn't the right word!

C.C.

Dear Crabby:

I love your blog. I think it’s well written and insightful. So, please – share some of that insight with me. I’m 29 and desperately wanting to get married, only I’m a little worried that desperation has begun to show. I just graduated from university and can’t find a man that suits me. I find a lot of boys who aren’t mature enough to handle a woman or men too into themselves to even know I’m in the room. But the regular hard-working all-around good guy who just wants to find a nice girl seems to be passing me by. What am I doing wrong?

Jodie in New York

Dear Big-Apple Babe:

It’s tough being in a city of eight million plus and no beau. I sympathize. But I have to tell you, you’re not alone. I also should point out that ‘being alone’ is not the worst that could happen to you. Now, I realize that these are small comforts for someone who really wants Mr. Right at the wedding chapel. But I have to add that I admire your discerning nature – your ability to scrutinize prospective mates and weed out the flashy junk from the real collectables.

Keep in mind that in the dumpster of life there’s a lot more ‘toss away’ than rare finds. That’s why seagulls love trash. There’s just so much of it! You sound like a find. So my best advise would be that you not sell out or sell short simple because the pickin’s are slim. You don’t sound like the type that would be satisfied with second best anyway. Nor should you.

Maybe a change of venue would spice up your prospects. If you’re not a church going gal and the clubs just aren’t your scene, I would suggest that you tackle the art scene. Go to galleries, poetry readings, book signings and live theater with another single girlfriend. Be seen in some of the city’s upscale tratorias, restaurants, cafes.

Now, here’s the hard part. I want you to go to all these places without looking around at who might be looking at you. You said at the start of your email that you’re afraid desperation may be starting to show. If it is, you need to take the edge off. The most fatal thing in the world is someone who looks like a lost puppy – unless of course you’re appealing to the dog catcher in some of us.

That’s why I suggested taking a friend. Not just a good friend, but an outgoing one. Then the two of you are guaranteed to have a great time with each other. From a male perspective, there’s nothing quite as sexy as a gal who looks like she has it all. You sound like you already do, so now its time to accessorize and accentuate those positives.

Put on a bright face and a polite smile and go out on the town. All together now… “If I can make it there, I’ll make it anywhere…it’s up to you – New York, New York!”

Yours truly
The Crabby Critic

GETTING REAL, SERIOUS and TOTALLY HONEST with YOURSELF and OTHERS - more questions answered by THE CRABBY CRITIC

noreply@blogger.com (Nick Zegarac) — Sat, 18 Aug 2007 20:15:00 +0000

Dear Crabby:

I’m in love with my sister.

Let me explain. When I was six years old my mother left the continental U.S. to get away from a bad marriage. We eventually settled in Australia where my mother met and married the man whom I consider to be my father. He has a daughter. I’ll call her Carol. Anyway, for some time now I’ve been developing feelings for Carol that I’ve been finding difficult to control.

Anyway, the other night mom and dad went out and Carol and I stayed home with a rented movie when suddenly, at one point Carol leaned in to me and kissed me – not one the forehead, but full on the lips. I was shocked but willing. We made out and then just as suddenly felt we were doing something terribly wrong and separated. I didn’t know Carol had these same feelings but obviously she does. Now neither one of us knows what we should say to our folks. I’m twenty-two and Carol’s just turned twenty.

I think it’ll kill my parents to know that we’re in love. I have to say that I have mixed emotions about it too and so does Carol. What should we do?

Joel in Bundaberg Australia

Dear Caught Between a Rock and a Hard Place:

I think you have to step back a moment and look at this romance a bit more clearly than you have been. First of all, Carol is not your biological sister – so, the question of family incest doesn’t exist.

You’re not related!

You’ve fallen in love with someone who shares your interests and tastes and – guess what – you didn’t even have to go looking for her – she came to you.

Legally, I don’t know what sort of leg you have to stand on. If you two are serious about pursuing an emotional/sexual/long term relationship then you’ll have to consult the statutes on how your legal system deals with such matters. The last thing we want is for you and Carol to set up house and then discover that some archaic law from 1812 considers the two of you blasphemous deviants and sentences you both to life in prison. With all due respect to archaic laws – I don’t think this will be an issue either.

Okay, on a more serious note – you’re both still young. A lot can happen between twenty and thirty. I wouldn’t advise taking your relationship to the next level yet. One point of contention I am adamant about –

YOU HAVE TO TELL YOUR FAMILY WHAT’S GOING ON!

That’s non-negotiable.

Now…how to tell them without starting WWIII at Casa Joel. There’s no point in beating about the bush, meaning scoping out the parents for opinions on hypothetical scenarios. That’s just a big waste of time because the reality is that you and Carol are in love. I think part of your anxiety stems from the common nervousness all guys have when they first meet the father of the girl they want to date. The problem for you is that her father also happens to be yours!

If Carol is in agreement, I think the four of you should sit down calmly with you being the man in this equation and starting off the conversation with something like: “Mom, Dad. We (meaning you and Carol) have something to tell you…” then ease into the conversation slowly. FYI – I wouldn’t mention the kiss you shared.

I would just say something like ‘you’ve grown attached to Carol and have started to regard her as more than a sister and it scares you because you value and respect the family and feel this is some sort of terrible thing you’ve been hiding. Carol has to come in here and state her case too. It’s no good if you state it for her. She has to reciprocate your sentiments and stand firm and by you on this issue. Make sure you have Carol’s full backing otherwise the conversation has the potential to turn ugly.

It sounds to me like the man that had the guts, courage and commitment to raise you after your dad bolted is good people. Don’t be so quick to judge and discount his thoughts on this matter. You may be surprised. Since you and Carol are both being up front and honest about what’s going on I can’t see either parent shipping you off to Siberia until the home fires cool.

Yours truly
The crabby critic

Hey Crabby:

You’re a guy. I’m a guy. Will you please tell my girlfriend that she’s way out of line asking me to curb my workouts and personal grooming to spend more time with her! See, Sarah thinks I spend way too much time in the bathroom getting ready and way too much time pumping up in the gym.

Just so we’re clear – I’m usually not in the can for any more than an hour and a half each morning and a couple of fifteen to twenty minute breaks spread throughout the day. I workout Mon. – Fri.; a couple of hours in the am and pm, and, like to run about an hour every other day.

I’m not a bodybuilder or anything, but I’m focusing on getting and staying huge and that takes time and effort. But lately she thinks I’m too into myself. Set her straight.

Zack in Waterbury Connecticut

Dear Muscle-Head Narcissist:

I sure wish someone would love me the way you love you!

Just so we’re clear – I like to look my best too. But if I’m in ‘the can’ – as you say – in the am. it’s for a maximum stretch of ten to fifteen minutes – TOPS!

Most of that is for shaving, running a comb through the ol’ mop, brushing teeth and using the facilities. I don’t know what you’re doing in there for an hour and a half each morning, plus two to four twenty minute sessions throughout the day.

I think there’s only been four times in my life that I ever went to the bathroom in the middle of the day to see what I looked like and each time it was to freshen up with some deodorant and/or re-brush my teeth. Neither exercise took more than 30 seconds of my time.

Moving on: I work out too, but unlike yourself I have zero interest in maximizing my girth. I do it strictly to maintain my weight, stay trim and feel good – both on the inside and out. I space my exercise so that it doesn’t interfere with my extracurricular activities, so our interests in physical fitness diverge.

However, the fact that you’re not in training or competition for Mr. O but still want to look as though you might jump up on stage at any moment and do a pose down to ‘I’m Too Sexy’ suggests some deeper need you have about building an intimidating physique that at least 70% of women polled in a recent survey said they find ‘unattractive.’

If your girlfriend falls into that 70% let’s put aside that you’re beefing up for the good of her and get real. This is all about you!

Now, I haven’t fallen on my head and developed amnesia yet. I’m fully acquainted with the new narcissism sweeping the nation. Some trendy marketer has labeled it ‘metrosexualism.’

I don’t like the term because minus the ‘metro’ prefix, it suggests a pre-programmed biological necessity built into the male animal for wanting to preen and primp like a Jim Dandy 24/7. Self worship of the variety and color we’re talking about in your case has already tipped the scales of vanity. You like yourself too much and that’s creating a problem you’ll have to remedy.

If you love your girlfriend, then maybe you can do your training after she goes to bed or work so that she’s not aware it’s being done. Out of sight, out of mind. But the frequent flyer miles you’ve been racking up in ‘the can’ have to stop!

Make it a personal challenge. Make a conscious effort to gradually reduce the time you spend in their by fifteen minutes a day until you’re down to a running time of say, thirty minutes max. Economize. And those twenty minute ‘touch ups’ you referred to? Gone! Right now.

Here’s the thing, Zack. Unless your girlfriend is as wrapped up in herself as you are in yourself, she will love you whether hair 1,176 is in or out of place!

Just in case you’re wondering - there’s no denying that past cultures – from the Egyptian to the Roman to 16th century Frenchmen relished putting on the dog with varying accoutrements – wigs, earrings, metal bands across the bicep and calf, painting their eyes, cheeks, applying white powder and makeup etc. So, there’s really nothing new to what you’re doing.

But if it’s damaging your relationship with your girlfriend then you have to decide what’s more important to you...

...your relationship with her, or your love affair with yourself.

Yours truly,
The crabby critic

Dear Crabby:

My cousin Ralph says because I masturbate I’m going straight to hell. Is this true?

Chuck in Richland North Dakota

Dear Whack-Master:

Yes. Absolutely. Start picking out your pitchfork now!

I’m kidding!!!

You can tell your cousin, Ralph from me that he’s a hypocrite and a moron. Not that you require any data to back that up, but self pleasure is as old as The Bible. It’s a natural part of experimentation and growing up.

Somewhere along the way, religion and well intentioned, though thoroughly misguided health practitioners of the early 1900s became involved in suggesting that masturbation was responsible for everything from male pattern baldness to insanity. Guess what?

There’s absolutely NO truth to these rumors.

But here’s a thought – I wouldn’t share your backstage practices with Ralph any more. Your own satisfaction is your own business. You don’t need masturbation by committee…uh…unless that’s your thing.

As long as you’re not inflicting physical torture or pain on yourself with weird and wonderful implements I can’t see why you shouldn’t grow up healthy, happy and normal and without the gates of hell yawning before you for all eternity.

Yours truly,
The crabby critic

Dear Crabby:

Two years ago my best friend, Erica’s four year old daughter drowned in their backyard pool. It was a devastating experience to say the least.

After the funeral, Erica immediately had her husband Bob fill in the pool with a backhoe. It’s a garden now. Anyway, she’s never been to my house since I moved away and I’m afraid to tell her about the pool before she comes. We just finished putting it in last month. I’m afraid if I tell Erica this she won’t come for a visit. What should I do?

Melanie in Bluffton South Carolina

Dear Mel’:

You have to tell her.

She’ll fee hurt and betrayed if you don’t. You mentioned only Erica and Bob so I’ll assume there are no children coming down for this visit. Either way, the fact that Erica had Bob landfill her pool after their tragedy suggests an obvious regard for all swimming pools as a death hazard. If you’re worried about Erica not coming for a visit because of the pool I would suggest that after you tell her about the pool you also offer to put Erica and her husband up in a hotel instead – one that doesn’t have a pool – or suggest that if it’s going to be a problem you could go and visit her instead.

If Erica and Bob decide to come down anyway, I would spend as little time around the pool as possible – even, maybe going so far as to draw the drapes on the windows overlooking your backyard while they’re in your home. That’s just out of courtesy and respect for Erica’s feelings – something you seem to care very much and deeply about. Also, after you mention that you have a pool on the phone, I wouldn’t bring up the topic again – ever!

I wouldn’t make an issue out of ignoring the pool either. I just would pretend like you don’t have it. You didn’t until this past year, so faking absence of memory on this matter shouldn’t be too hard.

Finally, if Erica comes down and asks to see the pool I would show it to her. Do whatever it is she wants. She’s a guest in your home. If she’s receptive to getting her feet wet again, you go along for the dip. This is your best friend. She knows you didn’t put a pool in your yard out of lack of sensitivity for her loss. If she respects your wish to own a pool as much as you seem to treasure the concern that it might ruin her visit with you then it sounds to me like the two of you will have a cherished time together – one that may help heal old wounds.

Yours truly,
The crabby critic

@The Crabby Critic 2007 (all rights reserved).

ROMANTIC ROAD KILL AND OTHER PROBLEMS

noreply@blogger.com (Nick Zegarac) — Wed, 01 Aug 2007 23:37:00 +0000

Dear Crabby:

My girlfriend says my mother is the problem but my mother says my girlfriend is the problem and my ex wife says I am the problem. What’s a guy to do?

- George in Fenton New Jersey

Dear Georgie Porgy:

You’re the one who kissed the girls and made them cry...

Now that you’ve decided you don’t like the sound of incessant whining you’ve also decided you want to roll back the hands of time and live a quiet life.

Tragically, it can’t be done!

But I do think the most telling part of your rather inarticulate sentence (i.e. you don’t tell me exactly what the problem is) is that your ex-wife thinks you were the problem! Taking into account that your ex is not a total write off and hell bent on making your life miserable, perhaps she has something there.

There’s an old saying:
in order to be fit company for somebody else you have to first be relatively pleased with yourself.

It sounds to me like a little personal housekeeping is in order in Fenton New Jersey.

You haven’t mentioned children in this equation. One can only pray that you don’t have any because kids should never have to cope with the fallout of adult stupidity.
My best advice to you would be to abstain from male/female relationships while you take that much needed moment to reconsider what’s truly important in your own life and get your head screwed on correctly – the other one!

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

Dear Crabby:

My sister Tina thinks she’s God’s gift to guys. Her boyfriend, Mark gets treated like crap all the time. I feel so bad for him cuz he really likes her a lot and she knows it. How can I get him to see he’s being used.

Sandra in Dempsey

Dear Man-Trap:

You’ve just given away the goods on where your own loyalties lay...lay being the operative word!

The question you should have asked was ‘how can I get my sister to treat her boyfriend more like a man than a mouse.' Instead, you want to know what is the best way to get down his pants by spiking Mark full of your own contempt for your sister.

For shame, trollop!

Mark clearly doesn’t have a problem with your sister’s behavior. If he does and continues to be used, then he’s a doormat. Either way, it’s none of your affair…and that’s the problem.

What’s troubling you is that Mark doesn’t even know you’re alive.

Get a clue, Nancy Drew.

Then get your own stud and leave your sister’s alone.

You’ll get more mileage out of life if you’re not slashing everyone else’s tires along the way.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

Dear Crabby:

The couple next door to us recently decided to come out of the closet. For years they told everyone in the neighborhood that they were two sisters living together after a pair of messy marriages. We, the rest of the neighbors and I, had our children play together. I went over there for a Tupperware party two weeks ago! But last week, at a block party, they announced to the crowd that in fact they’re lesbians! I don’t know what to do. We’re a respectable small community and frankly, I don’t know how to handle this revelation. Please advise.

Marcelina in Buckton

Dear neighborhood blockhead:

I don’t understand your predicament. What’s changed since the block party?

If the answer is ‘nothing’ then I suggest you go about respecting the sexual preferences of others without totting a closet-full of your own misperceptions and hang-ups about lesbianism.

You state that you and the other neighbors let your kids play at this couple’s house. You also state that you attended a social gathering over plastic dishes and flatware. Clearly, the two ladies in question were highly regarded by you and the rest of the neighborhood until this ‘revelation’ occurred.

If you had said that since their ‘coming out’ at the block party these two women were engaging in lewd acts in their back and front yards; if you had suggested they were attempting to solicit either you or the neighbors, and/or the children to partake in wild kinky parties of a sexual nature; if you had told me that these women had embarked upon a campaign of vial and socially unacceptable behavior that was not only dangerous, but damaging to the moral fiber of your ‘little community’ – then I would have suggested to you that you had every right for a cause to action by the police over public disturbances.

But these gals have not changed their social habits one bit since the block party. The only difference is that before the party you didn’t know what went on behind those walls next door and now you do. To me, that clearly demarcates that your neighborhood has thus far fostered a healthy communication where all opinions and preferences have seemed valid, embraced and accepted.

It isn’t up to you to change that communal dynamic now just because you’ve your Calvin’s in a ball over the L-word. If you can’t get over having a pair of respectful woman of a varying sexual preference to your own living next to you, there are only two choices left for you to consider: 1) curtail your involvement with the neighbors or (2) move – not them…YOU!

Everyone’s entitled to their own space and happiness. These women have found their Shangri-La. Isn’t it about time you discovered yours?

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

Dear Crabby:

I hate my life. It’s not just one thing. It’s everything. I get so discouraged I could just scream. My friend who reads you all the time says you fix other people’s problems. Fix mine, please.

Jodie in Saratoga

Dear Jodie:

With all due respect to your friend, I don’t fix other people’s problems. I try, superficially at best, to provide advice that makes the person writing in think differently about their problem.

It’s just my opinion that I’m offering. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t. But miracles are beyond my control. What with magic wands being is such short supply these days it’s no wonder.

However, since you said ‘please’ – I’ll do my best to provide you with some options that may help you stop hating your life in totem. First, nobody hates everything about their life. There’s always some bit of good in all that bad. So, for starters, how about searching within yourself to find out what that bit is? I guarantee that it’s in there. You just might have to look harder than most – certainly, harder than you have been.

A wise old sage living close to our family when I was a child used to say that

some people grow up, while others just grow old:

time to decide which one you are.

I have faith in you, Jodie. So, for argument’s sake – let us assume you’re a grown up.

The first thing a grown up does with dissatisfaction is to assess the areas where improvement is required. For starters – sit down and make a list of what it is particularly that you ‘hate’ about your life. When you tell me that it’s everything you’re not being very clear, fair or honest with yourself. You need to put down in black and white on paper – so that it becomes clear to you where the problems are. Even if it’s something as silly as, “I hate my nose” or “My teeth are crooked” I need you to write it down.

Acknowledge and document all your woes for posterity.

Then, get off your posterior and start making the necessary changes.

Self improvement can be daunting. But it’s not about doing everything all at once, rather, about doing something for a change. Wallowing in self pity and regret gets you nowhere fast! Consider the statue of ‘the thinker.’ He’s still thinking! You haven’t his luxury of being cast in marble. Life is moving in a forward direction – you either catch up or give up trying. Just in case you’re wondering – giving up is not an option!

So, if you need to lose weight – lose it!
Want a better job? – Find one!
Thinking about going back to school – get registered!

Is it easy to get motivated. Not at all.

Is it essential to your well being.

Absolutely - yes!

I don’t want you to look at the big picture – because I get the sense that when you do you’re simply overwhelmed by the model of inefficiency you see staring back at you.

After you’ve made your list, I want you to take the thing on it that bugs you the most and make a concerted effort to change the circumstances creating that one problem. Put blinders on like a pony in training and concentrate only on that one facet of your life that you’re determined to improve.

You’ll be amazed how much you’ll accomplish if you only invest and focus on that one problem instead of your top 50! When you feel you have a handle on your first problem, you may want to challenge yourself by taking on another problem area from your list.

But here’s the wrinkle: as you conquer your dislikes (and conquer them you will!) I want you to take a big red marker and cross them from your list – to illustrate for yourself what you’ve accomplished and how much more there is left to do. Three final bits of advice for you to remember:

1) Think positive!
2) Stay strong (emotionally and physically)
3) Never be disheartened!

I’m expecting great things from you! It’s time for you to start expecting them from yourself.

Yours truly,
The crabby critic

Dear Crabby:

Would you date someone who was considerably younger than you?

Debbie in Fresno

Dear Toddler:

Define ‘considerably.’

I’m serious. People in love are always quick to say that age is just a number and a relatively inconsequential variable when choosing a soul mate. I beg to differ. I’ve heard too many men and women during the courtship stage make the argument that ‘Oh, he/she is very mature for their age’ only to marry that person and then discover that ‘whoops! - actually, they’re not’ or just think that they are and that pomposity begins to grate on the other person’s psyche and nerves.

At the age of 36, I’ve developed a scale for myself that is fairly limiting. I wouldn’t even consider dating someone more than five years younger or two years older than myself. That’s a personal preference. I have friends and colleagues who have chosen to discard this advice. Only some are living to regret their decision.

I’m not saying that all May/December romances are doomed from the start. Goodness knows, there are quite a few that do more than just survive – they thrive! But it takes an exceptional couple to make the rift in age work…or, conversely speaking - a lot of money so that the younger of the two can be occupied as the older person in the equation enters their emeritus years.

I’ll use myself as an example again, this time with an 11 year discrepancy between me and my prospective mate. That means that if I’m 36, my imaginary partner would be 25. She’s very mature for her age. She just likes to kick it at the clubs until two in the morning while I’m thinking about buying my first home and going on a really nice three week vacation to the Bahamas.

Okay, fast forward 20 years. I’m 56 – a scary thought. My significant other is only 45. She’s in her prime and wanting to experience travel and great sex revisited. I’m getting close to retirement. Now let’s tack on another 20 years. I’m 76. She’s 65. She’s just retired. I’m already on my third round of Ovalteen.

The point to this exercise was to illustrate that tastes and preferences come suitable to the time. I don’t think it’s a particularly fair level of expectation for me to want my 25 year old mate to give up her clubbing standards to stay at home and paint cupboards and hang wallpaper simply because she’s with a guy who wants to settle down and build a home. I also don’t think that my 65 year old wife should have to run out to buy me Depends and massage bed sores from my feet when she’d rather be playing with grand kids in the backyard or planning a restful cruise.

Life is hard enough when you find someone who thinks and acts similarly to your own likes and dislikes. But introducing a rift of 10 years or more creates a whole new set of variables. Some people cope with this discrepancy. Some don’t.

I’m not clever enough to try.

Yours truly,
The crabby critic

Dear Crabby:

I was a bad father to my children. I divorced their mother when they were nine and seven and with very few exceptions, pretty much stopped seeing them all together once my ex remarried. That was seventeen years ago. Last week I discovered I’m dying of cancer and I wanted to get in touch with them and let them know before it’s too late. My father thinks this is a bad idea. What do you think?

James in San Bernadino

Dear James:

I stand with your father on this one. You did a terrible thing seventeen years ago. You cut out a piece of your life that desperately needed a father figure. You didn’t just ignore your past – you obliterated it, and you did it remorselessly until now. But you haven’t learned your lesson yet. You’re still thinking only of yourself.

You’re dying and so you want the children you cast off to run to your side, embrace you and ease your conscience into the great beyond. But you don’t want these things for the sake of your kids. It won’t ease their lives to be reintroduced to you now – especially since any reunion with their estranged sperm donor can only be short term.

You want your kids back because it suits your agenda best; because your conscience is gnawing at you and you fear the repercussions you’re facing for your own actions in the after life.

It’s ironic that as human beings we only tend to think of the pain and suffering we’ve managed to inflict on others – either deliberately or by accident – when similar peril is staring us down.

I’ll go this far – no one should have to suffer through cancer alone. But you won’t be alone. You’ll have your father by your bedside which is more than your own children have had next to theirs for the past seventeen years!

Leave them alone, James. Your ex gave them what you couldn’t – a stable two parent home with a guy who at least attempted to coddle their joys, support their ambitions and quell their fears. That man is their father.

Yours truly,
The crabby critic

THINK IT OVER...then - THINK SOME MORE!

noreply@blogger.com (Nick Zegarac) — Wed, 07 Mar 2007 19:15:00 +0000

Dear Crabby:

Life is getting me down. I need a pick me up but don’t know where to look. Any suggestions?

Jill in Fresno

Dear Girlie Grape-picker:

I envy your location. In Canada we’re stuck with cold and crappy weather. You have NO excuse not to get out and mingle. Climate is everything, and in southern California you are blessed with the best of all worlds. My advice is real simple and it won’t cost you a dime.

Ready?

Get out of the house!

I like to come home as much as the next fella, but four walls can be stifling to one’s sense of creative self.

If my suggestion sounds vague – I’ll narrow the field a bit so we don’t find you wandering the wrong side of the tracks with a bottle of cheap wine and your undies Mack-Tacked to your forehead.

Suggestion (A): I’m not a fan of the nightclub scene. I also don’t necessarily believe that you can ‘find yourself’ when you’re being stifled in a room full of yak-yaks who are ready and all too willing to bump uglies after a few drinks, then ask questions about your religious background later…if there is a later. Stay out of the lime light. It’ll turn you green.

Suggestion (B): Get back to nature. I’m not talking about some hippie’s free love nudist camp off the Big Sur. But I find that I become much more in tune with what provides me with inner happiness when I have all of God’s wide open spaces to appreciate. If you own a bicycle, I suggest you get it out of mothballs and go for a spin.

Again, technology is grand – but you won’t find what you’re looking for if you just drive a car or take the bus or operate any other kind of motorized vehicle. Time and scenery pass much too quickly in these modes of transportation. Slow the pace down and take in your surroundings. If all else fails – use your legs. One foot in front of the other always works for me.

Suggestion (C): Make a plan to go somewhere you’ve never been and then stick to it. It doesn’t have to be a pipedream vacation – like, ‘gee, I wish I could go to Ting-Pai and eat mangos in the house of the High Lama.’

Maybe it’s a new restaurant in your neighborhood that you haven’t tried.

Maybe, it’s a trip to a nearby winery or museum that you’ve passed many times on your daily travels but have never gone into.

How about a quiet trip to the book store or library?

When your life feels inconsequential, reading about someone else’s fictional story can really liberate the mind and the spirit.

On these journeys you could take a friend or go alone. When I’m feeling blue I prefer to go it alone.

Remember that while most friends don’t mind your company when you’re up, many consider it more of a tired duty than an inspired honor to tote the bail of your emotional baggage.

Always think twice – then once more – before burdening someone with your troubles.

You’ll retain their respect that way!

Finally, it behooves me to inform you that life gets everyone down from time to time. I supposed the ‘blahs’ are a necessary evil to the human condition. After all, how would we come to respect the truly great moments if we never experiences a bit of the doldrums along the way?

Above all else – have fun! To quote French actress Jean-Marie, whose fractured English always made me smile, “Life is – but – for - to enjoy!”

So, enjoy it.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

Dear Crabs:

I don’t think I love my girlfriend anymore. I mean, not the way I did before. We’ve been living together for a few years. I haven’t told her how I feel but before I forget, because I’ve been reading you a lot, I think you should know that I’m not cheating on her with anybody else. I just don’t feel the same way about her. Does this make any sense?

Dale in Wyoming

Dear Different:

It makes perfect sense!

Relationships are tricky and some aren’t meant to last. Since you’re not two timing your lady – which, by the way, is an infinitely smart move on your part (I can’t tell you how many guys think that finding an alternative warm place to put it will set their world right) – then I think you’re justified in having these feelings.

But I have a few suggestions that I want you to consider before you decide to put this living arrangement on life support.

First, remember that love – NOT SEX - is not a constant thing.

It changes with age and time spent together. When you were just dating the gal you’re currently with, you were probably driven to distraction in every waking hour you didn’t spend with her. In short, you were ‘love crazy’ or ‘love obsessed.’ You couldn’t get enough of each other and that made the relationship hot and exciting.

But I got news for you, Dale:

hot and spicy doesn’t last forever

– and thank goodness too, or we’d all have chronic indigestion and very limp members.

A friend of mine once told a rather crude joke in which he summarized the course of love in three easy steps. I’ll sanitize those steps for you herein.

The first begins when the couple, under a temporary frenetic malaise of carnal lust, goes absolutely wild like a pair of oversexed farm animals, christening every room in the house and possibly a few public venues when no one is looking.

Aside: there’s always someone watching. Remember, it’s all fun and games until nude photos wind up on the internet!

It sounds to me like you’re well into step two; when the couple gets tired – both physically and emotionally. The love that seemed so eternally white hot and sultry has become ‘par for the course.’

His “so what are you doing Tuesday?” gets her, “My taxes, and then, my hair.”

Alas, the once happy gerbils are now just a pair of fuzzy roommates who’d rather watch than make Hard Copy.

In the last phase, the couple passes one another in the hall without regard or respect, often regretting their tenure together, with one inevitably telling the other what he/she can do with his/herself in no uncertain terms. Charming way to round out the golden years, n’est pas?

…and they claimed French was a romance language?

The point is, not every relationship has to follow this apocalyptic three part scenario.

You say you don’t love your girlfriend anymore? My first question is – why not?

Has she suddenly sprouted horns and turned into a wildebeest?

Generally speaking, people don’t change overnight. Some psychologists will argue that people don’t change at all. I reserve the right to say that everyone has room for, and can make necessary improvements if self-dedication is the order of the day. Perhaps the problem isn’t with your girlfriend, Dale.

Maybe, it’s with you!

Why have you changed towards her? When you can answer that question you will have a better understanding of whether or not your current relationship is worth saving. Word to the wise: don’t stick it out and make yourself and your woman miserable, especially if you don’t love her anymore, and, just because you don’t want her to have a cry-fest that will inevitably segue into a conversation of the flying plates. But, don’t be too hasty to cut your ties right away either.

You say you feel different but you don’t know why. Answer the why for yourself first. Then make an educated decision on where you stand in this relationship.

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

Crabby:

I’m 45 and in love. The guy I’m with now knows it but is willing to let me go so I can pursue the guy I absolutely can’t live without. But the guy I want is with someone else and I need tips on how to break them up so that I can get where I want to be. Advise!

Sheryl in Manitoba

Dear Derelict Ditch Pig Without a Conscience:

You disgust me!

Not only have you completely discounted how your guy feels about your confession (and I have news for you, honey – even if he says he doesn’t care…HE DOES), but you’re only concern now is how best to destroy another relationship so that you can satisfy your own crazy obsession to be with someone who doesn’t even know you’re alive.

What a lucky man!

I hope he never finds out about you – or, at the very least, is able to see what a colossal mistake it would be for him to leave whoever he’s currently with and rustle the hay in your barn.

You’re definitely NOT Miss Right.

You’re just Miss Right Now and not even particularly good at playing that part!

You have no remorse, no feelings and no regard for anyone but yourself.

Selfish is as selfish does; Florence Gump!

My advice to you is to leave the guy you’re with and shop the Yellow Pages for a convent that takes ignorant hot bodies like yourself and tries at least – and probably in vane - to mold something other than narcissism from that very malleable clay.

Last bit of advice – grow up!

You’re not a teenager but you’re most certainly acting like a child!

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

Dear Crabby:

My sister is openly gay. We used to be close. I guess we still are. But now I’m afraid if we’re seen together people will think I’m gay to and I won’t be able to get a date. What should I do?

Shirley in St. Martin

Dear Guilty-by-association:

I don’t know much about your sister, but I do know one thing...

...after your parents go to the great beyond she is all you’ll have left on this planet.

Rather than allowing your bias toward her sexual orientation to dampen your relationship, maybe you should recognize that the world is full of many different people who all basically want one thing

– to be respected and loved.

If you were hanging out in gay nightclubs with your sister or frequenting other homosexual venues (i.e. pride parades) then I’d say perhaps your ability to procure a male/female relationship would suffer.

But being seen with your gay sister at the mall, having your toe nails painted, walking in the park, eating at a restaurant, going to the movies…etc…etc…etc, should not stamp the imprint of her sexual orientation on yours by association.

Yes, you’ll find small-minded people everywhere – some of who are probably speculating right now that you’re into girls just because you and sis’ once shared the same womb.

Screw those people!

Not literally, but definitely – because life is much too short to give a damn about people who don’t give as much about you!

Your sister seems to be the one person you can trust and talk to. Don’t sacrifice that relationship just because your hormones are raging for some guy who may or may not be there when he finds out sis’ is gay.

Oh, and by the way, if you do find a guy who’s uncomfortable with the idea – trust me on this – he is NOT the guy for you!

Blood is thicker than water and significantly thicker than semen!

Yours truly,
The crabby critic

PRAISE, PRAISE and more PRAISE...

noreply@blogger.com (Nick Zegarac) — Wed, 07 Feb 2007 20:24:00 +0000

Dear Crabby:

My girlfriend of two months thinks I should see other women. Is this normal?

Scott in Jonestown

Dear Thick Skull:

Gal pal is trying to give you a clue without solving the whole crime. She’s not into you even if you’ve been into her. Two months was enough for her to channel the ugly vibe and decide you weren’t the man she’s been fantasizing over during long hot bubble baths.

Sorry, I don’t think that means you’re a bad call. You just phoned in the wrong number. Try again. Remember to enter the area code first!

Yours truly,
The crabby critic

Dear Crabby:

I don’t know what to do about my fourteen year old son. Yesterday I found a Playboy in his tote bag. When I asked him where he got it he told me that he borrowed it from a friend who stole it from his father’s desk. Naturally, he was embarrassed. I made sure he returned the magazine to this friend and I told my son to refuse other ‘materials’ if they’re offered. What else can I do?

Melissa in Ridgetown

Dear Over-protective:

Let him grow up!

I’ll admit that at fourteen your son shouldn’t be…um…reading adult entertainment magazines. But you can’t slip him into a prophylactic marked ‘do not puncture until eighteen.’

The world is full of ugly details; soldiers dying on the battlefield, woman being raped, children being abused, mass genocides, nuclear bombs, etc., etc. etc.…but I have to level with you.

The so-called ‘exploitation’ of women in nudie mags isn’t one of these ugly details.

Pornography may be an insensitive showcase for illustrating base biological/physical reactions between adult human bodies, but the gals who spread for the centerfold aren’t doing so with a Hesbula court-martial dangling precariously over their heads.

They sign up for the exposure.

Some become ‘stars’ and go on to better things. Most just go on. Either way – it’s their choice.

If I were you I wouldn’t make any more of an issue about your son’s curiosity. You set the record straight. Leave it alone. If the situation arises again, you may want to take the opportunity to have a loose chat about most women not being ‘sex objects’…but again, the one’s he’s been peeking at are just that…objects, on display for the gratification of male pleasure.

Relax, your son’s not a deviant or a pervert. He’s just a normal boy with a burgeoning sexual appetite. But please, do us both a favor – don’t become the sort of possessive matriarch who’s listening through keyholes and carting him off to the free clinic every six months to get tested.

Your boy’s not bad.
He’s just budding.

The gardener’s rule of thumb on the subject is quite simple
– no pruning!

Yours truly,
The crabby Critic

Dear Crabby:

My boyfriend needs to grow up! He’s out all night, sleeps all day, does whatever the hell he pleases and really doesn’t listen to a damn thing I say. Yesterday I told him to pick up his socks and toss them in the hamper and he told me to shut up! I need your help. Advise!

Jolene in Tallahassee

Dear Doormat:

Maybe the issue isn’t so much that your boyfriend needs to grow up. Maybe it’s that you just need to be more assertive about what it is you expect from a mate - and I don’t mean a heart-to-heart with young’s love kiss either!

I mean it’s time to get real…with yourself!

I don’t know too many self-respecting ladies who would tolerate a wild party hog who doesn’t mind telling them to shut up, but then expects them ready and waiting to get him a beer. Sounds to me like you set a standard the first time he crawled between the sheets – wasted and slovenly and discovered that you were waiting there with a bromide and cold compress for his hangover in the morning.

Again, you set the standard and it’s a low one!

He’s not your boyfriend. He’s a grunt with a gal who doesn’t mind mothering him and taking his slack. Talk is cheap. The time for placing an ad for a fixer upper is over and you lost.

I’m perennially intrigued by women like you who find these sorts of men attractive and decide to stick it out with the same old abuse day in and out, in the hopes that one morning they’ll roll over in bed and discover that the frog has miraculously turned into their prince. Fairytales are for kids, honey. Roll over in bed on a frog and I can tell you what you’ll have – a dead frog!

Princes aren’t made.
They’re born.

Yours needs to go back to the pond.

Yours truly,
The crabby critic

Dear Crabby:

I don’t know if I should marry my fiancée. The wedding’s planned for June. She’s great and I was excited about it at first. Only now I’m having doubts and don’t know how to tell her. She thinks everything’s fine. What should I say or do?

Todd in Levi

Dear Conflicted:

Without concrete logic to back up your apprehensions, the best I can offer is that you’re going through some pre-nup’ purgatory and wondering if the girl you’ve chosen is the right one for you. Why you are asking that question now…only you can say for certain.

If she were
cheating on you,
was an alcoholic or drug abuser,
turning tricks and starring in home-made porn on the net,
molesting small boys and farm animals with equal aplomb,
doing drive-by and bank jobs with a Ginsu

…all these, I’d say, are fairly good reasons to throw up a red flag – and hire personal security. But you haven’t given me anything to pin my assessment.

Take a deep breath, Todd...a deep one!

If your woman is a fine upstanding citizen with no grave flaws that are illegal and/or immortal, then I say you’ve got your Calvins in a ball over nothing. You’ve been pretty good at keeping up your false front. Most women can spot a chicken ready to bolt through the farm gate at twenty paces. Maybe yours is just too wrapped up in the euphoria of fittings and picking out place cards.

Personally, I think you’re overreacting.
The old cliché – ‘good to bed/good to wed’ fits.

If I were you, I’d share your fears. If she’s any kind of woman, she’ll embrace the opportunity to lay your concerns to rest. If she just comes out with something like “Listen up, Mr. Man. I’ve got thirty pounds of crab meat defrosting and a halo of jet fighters getting ready to spell out our names in pink exhaust!” then perhaps she really doesn’t care about you and your concerns are completely justified.

Bottom line: you need to find out what sort of ‘Bride-zilla’ you’re marrying. Just cut her some slack.

Nothing so unhinges the female mind as the thought of ending up in a long white overly expensive gown that she’ll never wear again, and with rice stuck in her teeth and hair while some DJ strikes up, ‘Wind Beneath My Wings’…go figure?!?

Yours truly,
The Crabby Critic

Dear Crabby:

I think
A: You are a woman,
B: you are gay, or
C: you are the best thing that has ever put on a straight pair of pants and I am in love with you.

Yeah! You, Nick.

Wow, I only discovered you today, and the insights you share into the thought processes of men and women are absolutely astonishing, only rivaling that of what’s his face…Greg Berent.

…besides, your writing abilities are kind’a hot.

- anonymous

Dear MIA with an attitude:

Where to start?

I’m flattered that you’ve found something to sink your head into besides a pillow or plastic bag. Like most back-handed compliments, yours comes with a bite. Let’s rub a little salt on that wound, shall we?

One – last time I checked, being introspective and sensitive to the human condition wasn’t an attribute exclusively ascribed to gay men. Having said that, my sexual preference isn’t something I discuss with total strangers and certainly NOT on the internet.

On this score I think Jodie Foster’s got the right moves – keep ‘em guessing.

Great for gossip.

Good for career.

Two: as per ‘being a woman?!?

Check the photo in my profile settings. I’ll admit to some light airbrushing and yeah, it dates a few years back. Otherwise, not much has changed. Certainly, not that much! At last opportunity to use a public restroom I chose the little boy’s convenience and didn’t raise any eyebrows. Hope that clears up any lingering misunderstandings.

Three – as per being ‘the best thing in straight pants’…I’ve never been one to toot my own horn. Reputation is best left to others to assess.

Pucker up and blow!

If you say I am the best – maybe I am.

Many thanks for that.

Finally, about my ‘hot writing abilities’ that have you professing undying love to a total stranger on the net...

cold shower it until most parts have returned to room temperature...

I’ll supply the soapy wit.

Yours truly,
The crabby critic

@2007 The Crabby Critic (all rigthts reserved).

AFFAIRS TO REMEMBER...or FORGET?!?

noreply@blogger.com (Nick Zegarac) — Sat, 26 Aug 2006 18:44:00 +0000

Dear Crabby Critic:

I have a friend who, despite being engaged, continues to have cyber affairs with lonely old desperate women. Most of these women are nothing special. In fact, some of them are downright scary. Why does he do it?Signed,concerned in Boise

Dear Concerned:

I have an old saying that seems a fitting reply to your inquiry:

some people will never be satisfied…even if what they aspire to is less than what they already have.

It sounds to me as though your ‘friend’ is two mouse clicks shy of cultivating some long distance genital warts. He’s also something of a coward. I mean, consider how much – or how little - guts, bravado, machismo and studliness it takes to throw his heart (and other appendages) out to any fat sweaty hillbilly’s wet dream who can type “I love you” in the virtual world.

Unless there’s a web cam set up and he and his superhighway lovelies are performing for one another, typing impure thoughts (at least in my book) is not the same as acting on them.

I know, I know…I’ve about seventeen volumes of psycho-babble and no less of an authority than the Bible going against me on this assessment – but as long as your friend is merely typing what he’d like to do to someone if they ever met, I don’t think he should be charged with having an ‘affair’. At best, he’s guilty of stupid, moronic bad judgment and gutless tacky behavior.

Should his fiancée stand for such nonsense?

I wouldn’t.

Should she demand that he stop his internet flirtations if their relationship is to continue?

I would.

Should she dump him just because he’s let his fingers do the talking?

My answer is an emphatic “NO” provided that the behavior ceases immediately and NEVER resumes.

In my books, this guy isn’t a cheater yet – he’s just an insecure gutless little man. For that, we could recommend counseling. But I’d enforce a smack up side the head first.

Nobody’s perfect.

But everyone’s entitled to the opportunity to reform. I think your friend’s fiancée should give her silly boy one chance to make amends.

If your friend were using the computer as his own private call center for making actual physical contact with these cut n’ paste trollops I’d actually have more respect for him. At least then he would have made the commitment to infidelity as a lifestyle. As the situation stands, he’s merely playing weekend beau to a series of nondescript characters who don’t mind posting their panties on a ‘My Space’ for public (or maybe I should say, ‘pubic’) viewing.

That’s tacky, disgusting and juvenile behavior.
But it’s not an ‘affair’ and certainly NOT one to remember!

Yours truly,
The crabby critic

Dear Crabby:
Why do people cheat?

Curious in Connecticut

Dear Curious:

Well, I suppose the short answer is – because they can.

In a society where not even the former President of the United States could make up his mind as to what constituted a clear definition of sex, we’ve rather learned to accept cheating as par for the course of any potential relationship.

I firmly believe that part of the problem in dealing with the issue of cheating remains steadfast with women’s low expectations of men.

A recent poll of college/university women found that most have idealized the male animal as a rover with a wandering eye. It’s just a given that cheating is ‘a guy thing’ – something preordained in a man’s genetic makeup that sooner or later will trigger an episode of infidelity.

But I have an old expression I’m fond of using to combat that abysmal scenario:

I won’t ask you to be any more than you are if you won’t expect me to be less than I am.

There’s an even older cliché on the books that begins with, “give them an inch…” I think it’s time women began expecting more from their partners. I also think the time has come for men to demand more integrity from themselves. A guy who will cheat merely to satisfy his own ego and loins is a boy playing at being a man. It takes someone of genuine character to stand up to - rather than lay down with - the first available Miss or Mrs. who flashes a come hither glance in his direction.

There are still ‘nice’ guys out there. If you’ve been burned by a ‘less than’ you have my sympathy. Granted, there’s more bad, than good, eggs out there for the cracking. Just remember, not all men are cheaters. However, just like in an Easter egg hunt, it takes time to distinguish between the hard boiled and rotten ones.

Yours truly,
The crabby critic

O Crabby One:

Why would someone leave a Significant Other for someone they only know over the internet?Your fan, Becky

Dear Becky:

The short answer is because he is an idiot.

To mis-quote the old adage: “The grass…she’s a greener on the other side of the fence.”

The more in depth analysis goes something like this: A man is lonely so he decides to get himself a girlfriend. The two go out, have sex, get married, have more sex, have children. Suddenly the relationship has gone stale. Worse, the mechanism behind it has reached a plateau.

There’s nothing new in this. But it does seem to me that today’s society has a shorter threshold of tolerance for such expiration of initial passion.

Somewhere along the way women bought into the whole glass slipper/fairytale Prince Charming scenario and men decided that every night with their beloved should curl their toes.

Men seem to reach this plateau faster than women. Women are much more sensible, even after they’ve reached their own plateau. When the initial bloom, allure or buzz has worn off the relationship, they find other virtues in their mate to celebrate and settle down with. They take up a hobby, buy some new furniture or get a different styled hairdo to make themselves feel fresh and alive. I suppose a man could redecorate the garage or take up some new vigorous form of physical exercise to get his juices flowing but then he never seems to think of anything so unobtrusive, healthy or sensible.

The most important thing to remember, Becky is that this stalemate has absolutely nothing to do with the women in men’s lives. The fellas aren’t tired of them…they’re tired of themselves! Some men recover by rectifying their own boredom through healthy productive channels of activity. Others suggest their women get a boob job. Still others go out and start a flirtation with Sally No Thumbs on the internet.

But here’s the deal that ALL men should consider before aspiring to relationships less than worthy of the ones they currently occupy – “the grass…she’s a greener on the other side of the fence” for a very short time, and sometimes not even that long. After hopping the fence it takes more than a hint of nitrogen to perpetuate that rejuvenation.

If love is like a garden, roses are for the idyllic romance. But dandelions remind us that no romance is an Eden without weeds.

Yours truly,
The crabby critic

DREAMING DOESN'T MAKE IT SO...

noreply@blogger.com (Nick Zegarac) — Tue, 01 Aug 2006 19:18:00 +0000

...and more of your questions answered by
THE CRABBY CRITIC

Dear Crabby:

Why can’t life be more like the movies?

- Debbie in El Paso

Dear Celluloid Dreamer:

Well, I suppose the shortest answer is, because you’re no Sophia Loren.

But seriously, movies are art.

Contrary to popular belief, art does not imitate life. Rather, it’s the barometer of measurement for the chasm between the two.

All entertainment is a form of illusion. But you – you’re the real thing. Recognize that and move on.

I’ll recall for you that one summer while I was still an impoverished student my television went on the fritz and then died. After a twenty-four hour period of withdrawal from the barrage of mindless junk from the boob tube I actually began to realize something very special – that the ability to amuse myself came not from that external box of reconstituted claptrap but from within. I became more in tune with what my needs (rather than my wants) were and I recognized that people in life are more to my speed than the images I was trying (and expected to) live up to.

To say that my newly acquired self reliance and acceptance was an epiphany is perhaps stretching the moment a bit too far, but suffice it to state that I realized just how intellectually sideswiped I had been by my complicity indoctrination into pop culture. That was 1991. I have yet to return to television to ‘find’ myself.

Want my advice – stop comparing your life to the movies.

It will inevitably come up short and depress you. Remember that what you see on the screen is NOT reality but a preprocessed version of life as most would like it to be. Like the perfect dream or total wish fulfillment, movies serve the basic human need to pretend. But be wary that the pretend does not consume rather than console you.

Finally, movies do not represent a world that you can go out and find. They suggest a world that is total creation. Hollywood does not make you aware of all the backstage nonsense that goes into making that creation seem real – it merely draws your attention to the creation itself and asks you to believe in it as fact.

Don’t be fooled but continue – at least at some level – to daydream. We all need our escapism.

Yours truly,
The crabby critic

Dear Crabby:

How do I know you’re not an internet stalker? I can’t believe all the people who open up to you without knowing anything about you. You could be an axe murderer or a child predator. You scare me.

Lynn in Monroe

Dear Easily Spooked:

Boo!

I think you have this blog confused with someone’s ‘My Space’ account who’s soliciting underage boys for beer and sex parties at his cabin in the Ozarks.

So, to set the record straight – I don’t solicit anything:
NOT EVEN YOUR QUESTIONS!
People write in and I publish my solutions to their inquiries. Depending on your point of view, the fact that some people choose to confide about all sorts of behavior and allow me that special glimpse into their lives might be a reflection of how lonely and isolated a society we’ve become.

But I choose to believe that some people are just more willing to share thoughts and ideas with others.

Consider this: all human relationships begin as strangers.

After a sufficient amount of time has passed those relations either develop into friendships or dissipate into vague acquaintances. Either way, once you’ve touched base with another you cannot continue to count that person as a stranger.

As for being an internet stalker…unless you can prove that I’ve sent you this reply a million times via the same email that you employed to contact me…I’d have to suggest to you that your paranoid concerns hold little – if any – validity in real time.

Stop peeking through the key hole of life, Lynn.

Get out and mingle with the beautiful people.

Hell – just get out and mingle!

Yours truly,
The crabby critic

Crabs’:

I’m going to kill my brother if he doesn’t stop following me around. Everywhere I turn, he’s there. He’s cramping my style. How do I get him to leave me alone?

George in Wyoming

Dear Sibling Twit-head:

Have you stopped to consider that your brother looks up to you for guidance, friendship and above all else as a template of how to be a popular man about town?

You’re in a very flattering position to make a significant difference in this young boy’s life.

Instead of trying to shed him like excess fat around your midsection why not embrace the fact that your brother thinks far more highly of you than you do of him.

Okay, so you need your space, as it were. You want time out from your brother. I can respect that. Doesn’t he have any friends of his own that he hangs out with? If so, maybe you could suggest to him that he spend more time with them.

Don’t just say something like “Get lost, midget.”

Instead, angle your reply. Say to your brother, “Hey, I know you were hanging out with (insert friend’s name here) the other day. Why don’t you call him and see if he wants to do something today? Maybe you two can go to the movies, ride your bikes, go swimming, play tag, find a lost puppy and name it Snooky…whatever.”

You might also try having a legitimate heart to heart with your brother about the age difference that separates the two of you. Inform him that while you’ll always be there for him as a sounding board, he needs to cultivate time away from you so that your experiences will be varied. Then the two of you will have different things to talk about whenever you decide to spend time together.

Finally, I don’t think you realize how fortunate you are. Many siblings hate one another with a passion.

Personally, I’d rather have a brother for my best friend than an enemy…wouldn’t you?

As for the prospect of killing the one person who looks up to you as a God – my advice: don’t do it. Because then we’ll all have to look down on you as vermin!

Yours truly,
The crabby critic

Dear Crabby:

My wife and I have a fairly active sex life but she always needs to be coaxed into trying new things. It took me a year to get her to experiment with her first anal experience and now I want to introduce chocolate syrup and raspberries into our foreplay – something my wife absolutely refuses to do. How can I get my wife to recognize the benefits of food play in the boudoir?

Dale in Jacksonville

Dear Chocolate Covered Weirdo:

The whole food/sex fetish scenario is one that has always been lost on me. By my estimation, things get sticky enough during the act of procreation without the aid of various and sundry food additives poured across the flesh. Besides, who does laundry at your house?

Obviously NOT you!

…and just think of all those starving children in Africa who can’t afford chocolate syrup and raspberries for the purpose they were originally intended.

If I wanted to be cynical I could classify your fetish as just another North American misguided stupidity where seemingly normal individuals waste perfectly good time, energy, money and resources on an abuse of their rights and freedoms as ascribed by the constitution.

Trust me on this one – Thomas Jefferson and Ben Franklin weren’t thinking of your situation when they coined the term ‘pursuit of happiness.’

I must admit however, that in the grand scheme of things as laid out by you I cannot fathom a woman who would allow anyone to insert their banana into a cavity God did not intend, but emphatically refuses to try a bit of squeezed Nestle Quik across her ta-ta’s.

‘Bizarre’ doesn’t begin to describe that one! Tell me, after you’ve broken down this barrier what’s next; whips, chains, asphyxiation, blood letting, or some other juvenile pursuit from the outtakes of Fear Factor?

I suppose your twisted self won’t rest. You’ll keep prodding your wife to accept your terms until one day she caves in.

So here’s a thought: compromise.

Tell your wife that you’d be willing to partake in her secret sex fantasy if she’ll rub Mazola all over her body and do the ‘slip n’ slide’ with you. But be forewarned: if Wifey Dear’s warped idea of erotica includes you, a strap-on and some prison bitch named Louie No-Thumbs you’re in for a hell of a night. Is chocolate syrup and raspberries really worth it? Maybe it would just be more prudent and safe of you to offer to do the laundry.

Now, isn’t that sexy?

Yours truly,
The crabby critic

@ The Crabby Critic 2006 (all rights reserved).

YO-YO PARTY GIRL and more of your questions answered by THE CRABBY CRITIC

noreply@blogger.com (Nick Zegarac) — Mon, 24 Jul 2006 17:55:00 +0000

Dear Crabby:

I’m a 31 year old single mother of two who cannot figure out what everybody else’s problem is with me dressing sexy in public. The other day I went to do some light shopping in my daisy duke’s, halter and high heels and was publicly scowled at from ever direction. I mean, ‘don’t hate me because I’m beautiful’ didn’t even begin to describe the sort of looks I was attracting. I don’t see what all the fuss is about. I’m still young and looking for love. My sister, the prude, thinks I should dress age appropriate. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the way I dress but my sister, who reads you all the time, says she’s right and you’ll prove it. Will you?

Deborah in Philmore

Dear Funky Town Trollop:

On the surface there’s nothing wrong with either of your arguments. But I don’t believe in limiting my remarks to surface banter.

You seem to be under the delusion that just because you’re well endowed others want to ogle you. T’ain’t necessarily so.

Even if you are the cat’s meow sporting someone else’s pajamas, have you considered what will become of all that new found popularity after gravity takes its inevitable toll?

The supermarkets these days are riddled with single middle-aged frumps who used to trip the light fantastic from couch to bedspread and who continue to dress up like twenty-something Loreal Stair-Master crotch jockeys – either, in the desperate hopes that some man (any man) will find them remotely attractive, or under the misguided delusion that hasn’t yet realized the parade of youth has indeed passed them by.

Let us say, for argument argument’s sake that you’re as svelte as silk n’ satin on a Saturday night. That’s still no reason to dress as though every day is a centerfold. Just so that we’re on the same page, the last time I checked, ‘hooker-wear’ was an unflattering form of attire regardless of age and body type.

The problem today isn’t that there aren’t any beautiful women out there in the world; it’s that every common gal in a push up and choker fancies herself cut from the same G-string as an aspiring porn star.

Evidently your look is not a flattering one to most eyes, including the fella who left you high and dry with a couple of kids.

Feminine wiles are supposed to attract – not repel – a guy.

My best advice would be that you reconsider your wardrobe under the auspices of ‘act your age and not your shoe size.’ That doesn’t mean you have to hightail it to the nunnery resale shop to invest in black flats and floor length knickers. But a little reservation will go a long way.

Looking as though you’re bod’s been poured into a sausage casing is emphatically NOT the look of a responsible thirty something mama whose days of man-hunting should have already taken a back burner to her children; her FIRST priority.

Yours truly,
The crabby critic

Dear Crabby:

Last weekend I brought a coworker home from a party and we had sex. Ever since she’s been leaving me hints about how great it was and how much she wants to hook up again. Here’s the problem. I have no interest in getting together with her again. But the other day as I walked by the secretary’s office I received looks from a trio of coworkers who clearly heard all about my night in…and not from me. How do I get this woman off my back?

Brian in Lettering

Dear Clueless Office Lothario:

Flip her over onto your stomach.

You know, guys like you genuinely sicken me, because for every idiot boy who thinks he can toy with a woman’s affections and then move on to the next easy target, there’s a decent honest guy looking for genuine commitment who’ll be saddle-bagged with some gal dragging around a Xerox-full of emotional baggage incurred by some fool like you!

If you had no intensions of furthering your relationship with Sally Steno Pool you had NO BUSINESS making triplicates off company time at your place – that is, unless you made it very clear to the woman you were with that you just wanted some diversionary playtime and nothing more.

That you’ve become the brunt of office gossip is a fitting conclusion to your wayward night of misguided passion. At least you know something more about your lady friend now than you did the night you two exchanged bodily fluids – she can’t keep a secret.

I suppose if you’re girth exceeds your common sense at least you don’t have to be worried about becoming an embarrassment inside the men’s executive washroom.

As for becoming the object of other people’s rumors and innuendo
– hey pal, you asked for it.

Not much you can do about it now except fess up and take it like a man.

Squealing post-coital about your lost reputation is as beneficial as walking through a night without candles cursing the darkness.

Yours truly,
The crabby critic

Dear Crabby:

My husband is a slob. He leaves his clothes on the floor, doesn’t clean up around the house and doesn’t bathe regularly. I didn’t seem to notice this when we were dating or even during the first few years of our marriage, but now it’s really starting to bug me. How can I get my husband to change?

Jodie in Balboa

Dear Frazzled in Body Odor:

People don’t change
– not because they don’t want to, but generally because they don’t feel a sense or a need that they have to.

Your husband was probably always a slob, only you didn’t choose to see him that way. Maybe you liked the way he treated you as a woman and date or maybe you were all hung up on his looks and his money – but whatever the initial attraction there was, its bloom has worn off.

Reality has at last set in.

It’s been said that there are only two things a woman knows for sure – what she wants and what she’s willing to settle for.

Clearly, you thought you knew what you wanted at the time but aren’t certain you’re willing to settle for what you have right now. That’s a sincere problem and one that you’ll have to contemplate more seriously before making a decision.

Maybe it’s time for a trade-in.

With regards to bathing regularly – that’s just plain disgusting and unsanitary. You shouldn’t have to lie next to someone you already knew was in bed before you even entered the room simply on the layering pungency of his preceding scent. That’s nasty. Want my advice on how to handle that bit of laziness – you start sleeping on the couch.

Tell hubby that reinstatement of your proximity to his bone lazy self is predicated on the assumption and expectation that he will shower from horn to hoof at least once a day.

With regards to getting your man to do more around the house – well, I suppose you could point out the obvious: that a home doesn’t run by itself; that you need and would genuinely appreciate help in all matters that concern you both. I don’t know…maybe your husband will be compassionate and acquiesce to your requests, or maybe he’ll simply turn a blind eye, deaf ear and empty beer can to any and all suggestions that he clean up his act.

At the very least – he has to clean up himself.

Yours truly,
The crabby critic

Dear Crabby:

My mom’s a teacher at my school but just before classes got out for the summer she told my father and I that she had decided to embrace a lesbian lifestyle. I was so ashamed. Everyone at school knows the other teacher she’s interested in and my friends are all talking about it. I don’t want to go back to school. My dad says if I have any trouble at school this fall I should come to him and he’ll take care of it. My mother’s moved out of our house to be with her friend. What should I do?

Chelsea in Broadbank

Dear Chelsea:

Let’s be clear about one thing – your mother was always a lesbian.

That she pulled off the illusion and the lie that she was heterosexual long enough to produce a child with your father was a grand experiment gone wrong on her part. But mama always knew which side of the couch her pillows were being fluffed on.

As your mother’s daughter you have nothing to be ashamed of.

True – the kid’s a school might look at you funny for a while but they’ll be more inclined to find fault if you illustrate for them how uncomfortable this situation has made you feel.

Remember this – nobody’s life is perfect.

Some of your friends may have mothers or fathers who are inattentive, abusive or alcoholics. Some may feel unloved and unwanted. You at least have the affections of your father to fall back on in this instance. I can’t begin to understand what all this familial turmoil has done to your own stored fragile sense of self confidence but I can certainly sympathize with your feelings right now.

Have you considered how your father’s coping with this bombshell right now?

You know, it’s oft’ been said that a girl’s best friend is her father.

The fact that yours already told you if trouble is brewing on the horizon you need look no further than him for consolation says to me that dad is good people.

Take him up on his offer.
Rely on him in times of need.
Use him as your crutch, only be there as a crutch for him too, because you both have the scar of mama’s decision to heal from.

You’ve both been given a challenge and an obstacle to overcome. The journey to the other side of happiness will be long, but its not insurmountable.

Now dry your eyes and clear your conscience and go forth with your chin up and head held high. Expect great things and you’ll prove yourself worthy of deserving them.

Your truly,
The crabby critic

@Crabby Critic 2006 (all rights reserved).

DON'T HATE US BECAUSE WE'RE BEAUTIFUL...

noreply@blogger.com (Nick Zegarac) — Fri, 14 Jul 2006 15:17:00 +0000

…thanks. I won’t…

Your questions answered by
The Crabby Critic

Dear Crabby:

My girlfriend is getting on my nerves. Every time we plan to go out it takes her forever to get ready and when she does she’s still not satisfied with how she looks. Once, I thought I’d kiss her as we were walking on the beach and she said, ‘Don’t. You’ll ruin my lip gloss.’

What gives? I don’t want a mannequin to hang out with. I want a woman. What’s your take?

Harvey in Palm Beach

Dear ‘Don’t Hate Me Because I’m Vain’:

It’s been my experience that most women veer on the side of sadomasochism where fashion is concerned. No other creature on the planet endures a more aggressive litany of consistently applied pain (plucking, waxing, suiting up in girdle and stilettos, various levels of cosmetic surgery, et al.) in the name of vanity – and enjoying every minute of the assault - than women.

I once yanked a wayward hair with a pair of tweezers that was growing above the shaving line on my left cheek and thought I saw visions of the holy virgin. I think I muttered an obscenity or two also.

My point is the self inflicted pain was enough to convince me. I’ve since learned to live with that reoccurring follicle. While it’s true that a certain share of the male population has recently embraced the phenomenon known as ‘metrosexualism,’ this motley troupe of aspiring hairless pretty boys remain a niche market and not the norm.

However, women almost universally apply acrylic varnish to their nails (which damages the natural enamel), reconstituted horse’s hooves to their lips (which is disgusting) and hair dye to their withering scalps (which has been proven to exacerbate the effects of dry scalp, psoriasis and has even been linked to rare forms of cancer)…all in their quest to remain twenty-one forever.

Aside: a fifty-two year old female painted up to mimic a twenty-something circus pony is still a fifty-two year old horsey whose slated herself for the ‘Sands-O-Time’ glue factory.

What I suspect you’ve realized is that the women you’re currently with has adopted and whole-heartedly embraced a level of high maintenance that will eventually consume her – if it already hasn’t.

She won’t change, Harvey.

Not for you or any other male, because she firmly believes in the twisted philosophies of painful beauty. I suppose you could put an ultimatum on the relationship but I suspect that will only strain your patience further and eventually lead to a split. I’m with you on this one, Harv’:

give me a gal who knows her own mind and doesn’t mind a light peck on the lips – even if they’re painted in two-tone Kentucky Derby.

My best advice to you, if you’re absolutely crazy in love with the girl, endure the pain along side her. But remember, you will always be second in line after her vane selfishness to look good. If you can live with that, then I suppose you will.

I only know from personal experience that I would never consider someone my soul mate who thought of Miss Clairol, Redkin, ‘Liz Arden, Revlon, Almay and my affections in that order.

Yours truly,
The crabby critic

Dear Crabby:

My daughter has been surfing the net for plastic surgery sites. When asked why, she told me that she was seriously considering breast augmentation and wanted to be better informed. My daughter’s only sixteen.

My wife says not to worry. The urge will pass. My wife has implants and my daughter knows it. I really don’t want my daughter to get breast implants. What should I do?

Chuck in Vancouver

Dear Inflatable & Co.:

There’s a strange dichotomy in your thought process that doesn’t give a hoot if your wife’s cleavage has been packed to maximum density, but emphatically doesn’t want his teenage daughter to share in mummy’s wealth of artificially enhanced womanhood.

My best guess – and it is just that…a guess – is that your wife had her implants before you met and so you had nothing to say on the matter, but didn’t mind enjoying them while you were dating. Now, you have a chance to save another family member from making the same mistakes your wife did – both of them.

My advice – use this opportunity to instill some constructive thought in your daughter’s noggin, rather than wasting your time attempting to dismantle the misguided determination she has already inculcated to have her chest turned into a pair of floatation devices.

I won’t ask how or why your daughter knows mom’s bongos aren’t real. But your daughter’s not stupid – at least, not on the surface. If she’s been surfing the net and doing other research, I’m sure she’s read about all the side effects and has convinced herself that either they don’t matter or do not apply directly to her situation. Such is the blind faith attached to youthful folly and ignorance.

If I were you, I would rather use your influence to illustrate the point that a woman should never be judged by the endowment of her cleavage, but her inner strength and beauty that are not immediately visible to the naked eye. These are qualities that radiate and permeate the everyday. They are much more valid and ultimately respected by men than a quality rack of perky headlamps – which merely draw immediate…and in most cases, unwanted…attention.

Point out to your daughter that men who desire her for her breasts will never respect, cherish or even consider her as much beyond their personal plaything or sex toy.

All this is a tad difficult for you to do with a straight face because you did marry her mother – big boobies and all. But if you’re serious about preventing your daughter from going under the knife you’ll have to be creative. Assess for her that when you met her mother for the first time it wasn’t her breasts that had you coming back for more.

It was her heart, spirit, mind, intelligence, wit, charm, tenderness, personality, conviction, aspirations, determination and reciprocated love for you that made you decide to slip a ring on her finger.

Finally, impart the wisdom that beauty is only skin deep.
But a quality and enduring life together requires both partners scratch well below the surface.

Yours truly,
The crabby critic

Dear Crabby:

I consider myself a heterosexual metrosexual. My family thinks I’m just plain weird. How can I get them to embrace my lifestyle?

Jerry in Toronto

Dear Big City Fluff-Ball:

The new-age definition of a ‘metrosexual’ is a young guy of means and varying sexual preference living in a metropolitan center, but who’s so much in love with himself that he’s managed to create an insular world in which only he reigns supreme as the be-all and end-all of his own pleasure dome.

I much prefer the classical definition: ‘narcissism’ - it is much more accurate in defining those sad and all consuming selfish limited boundaries you’ve constructed for yourself.

Why ‘metrosexual’?

You can love yourself without transforming your image into that of a self absorbed egotist and superficially driven sport n’ shave Ken doll who considers it his greatest achievement to look and smell good on a Saturday night.

I’ve always said there’s only one thing more obvious and socially embarrassing than a woman who’s adopted the ‘don’t hate me because I’m beautiful’ outlook on life...

her male vanity counterpart.

I suspect that what you (and every other metrosexual out there) is trying to emulate is that tough/butch acting, yet slightly effeminate ‘image’ – like that of English soccer sensation, David Beckham who’s inadvertently become the poster child for the movement.

Yet, what most metrosexuals have forgotten is that Beckham isn’t just a pretty face. He’s a major player on the world stage of professional sports. His talents lay elsewhere.

To quote Judge Judy: beauty fades…dumb is forever.

Most metrosexuals are dumb…because they fail to recognize that stars like Beckham have more on their plate than just good looks.

Hence, metrosexualism is fast becoming a movement like 60s ‘mod’ or parodied in the same vein as Elvis and Marilyn Monroe impersonators.

Your family shouldn’t have to ‘embrace’ your lifestyle.
Clearly, you haven’t ‘embraced’ theirs.

They don’t even have to understand your mad drive to be outwardly pretty at the expense of being inwardly shallow.

What they should do – if they’re the right sort of bunch – is tolerate your desire to be different.

But you shouldn’t frown on them for not offering to come over next Friday to help you exfoliate and bikini wax and paint your toe nails ‘businessman blue.’

Yours truly,
The crabby critic

@2006 (all rights reserved).